sometimes an individual’s karms plays such a role with another’s attitude.

not as excited as i should have been, i awoke this morning grumpy about my exam. i never did feel that it tested my skills or knowledge.. so i started sulking to my exam. part of the way down waterman street, i heard my name screamed from someone’s car. i looked around, confused and saw that it was hyon gak sunim. he looked at me, smiled and asked where i was headed. i explained that i was off to an exam and that we should meet later in the week. he agreed, smiled and said “don’t worry about the exam. it won’t matter in 4 years.” he is totally right and when the professor asked how i did at the end, i said “it is over; there is nothing more i can do or say,” smiled and walked out of the exam. jon looked at me, asked how i did. “it is over.” every time someone asked me, i responded the same. i will know how i did in a few weeks but for now, it is over and i am happy. besides, i gained knowledge from the class.. does it matter what my “score” on the exam is? nah…

why can’t i just deal? why am i so attached to jon? i want so hard to let him go, to not control his life but when he does things that do not mesh with my morals, i don’t know how to cope. i want him to run free and experience things but i cannot deal with the result. i don’t like the idea of him with another woman without me there. i want him to understand what it is like to experience someone else but my emotions flip. it is such a battle between my mind and my emotions.

i am too attached to him. i know that. i cannot imagine being unattached. maybe this entire situation will help. i will learn what it means to not have him and then accept the unattachment. i am going to meditate on that thought.

sometimes i shock myself. the last week has been brutal. too much has been on my mind. suicidal people approach me as a stable standing (since when am i stable??). my mental energy focused this week on helping people and i did so well. now, everyone is at least dealing with there current situation in one way or another. but i am not dealing so well.

to make matters worse, i have been having the most uncomfortable discussions with my boyfriend. i just want everything to work out. i just keep thinking that i cannot cage birds. i must let them fly, no matter how hard it stings. my mind knows that but my emotional state is rebelling hardcore and i don’t know what to do. it is a no-win situation. grumble…

so, tonite, i got this bright idea that relaxing with a bunch of friends, willingly loosing a little bit of sobriety would be a good idea. WRONG! shortly into the nite, i was sitting in the bathroom singing two little girls by ani. let me tell you, that did NOT help. so, i walk out of the bathroom with my friend and the first thing we hear is a panik signal. i go off running, go knows what i am running from, running and afraid, afraid of me more than anything. i have never before felt out of control in myself. i learned that anti-sobriety elements really can be bad for you. i hid under someone’s bed, trying to escape from myself. finally, i made it to my friend’s dorm room where i proceeded to curl myself against the wall, convinced i was dying.

this whole dying thing was weird. my mind was 100% convinced that i was dying. i lay there, confused to all shit, feeling sorry for myself and trying to grasp any sense of reality or the mortal world. in my mind, i kept saying to myself, release the attachments. disengage yourself from reality. let go. it is ok to die. accept the dying. accept yourself. release attachments. clear your mind. slowly, i accepted my state, accepted the fact that i was dying and slowly cleared my mind. at one point, i knew that i was meditating. it was a strange thing because i was not thinking about it but my body was relaxed and accepting. suddenly, i felt whipplash. my entire body and mind whipped back through my entire history, backwards. trying hard to maintain a clear mind, i flashed in and out of prior experiences: the nite before’s discussion wtih my boyfriend, the cheating incidents, this summer’s rumor stuff… backwards backwards… clark’s death, nicole’s expulsion, governor’s school, fracturing my neck, audrey’s rape, her brother’s death, camp.. backwards backwards… hideous birthmark experiences / chopping off birthmarks, breaking my arm, my parent’s divorce, the adultry discovery, even back to ryan’s hospitalization. i flashed in and out of my whole history, things i had forgotten about, good and bad, insane.

when i stopped, my mind was clear and i opened my eyes. convinced i was in another state (ie: heaven or hell), i openened my eyes and asked for the bathroom. it was entirely white. i wondered how i deserved heaven when i did not believe in it in the first place. slowly, i realized that i was just alive and back to normal. it was the oddest feeling. but i could accept it.

one of the things that it totally made me realize is how important clear mind is to me; i needed that in order to get by. i appreciated and loved the feeling of clear mind and it helped me thru the nite. my mind was racing and it was the only solution.

the nite is over, i hope never to go thru it again but i learned a lot about me from it. a lot.

i despise dishonesty. it hurts far too many people. i have been hurt by dishonesty so many times. why do people lie and cheat? what advantage does that serve? do they feel like they get something out of it? what purpose does it serve? why do people do it?
i have been experiencing the results of people’s dishonesty and i don’t know how to react. i want to be mad at them while i want to feel pity for them. resolving these feelings is soooo difficult. above all else, i want to understand. what in me makes me want to understand everything? i do…

although i would like to remark more about this, i cannot unfortunately. the problems with unsecure technologies…

my body conveys my gender. my gender conveys me. but why?
i am not attached to my looks, my personality can not be viewed thru a mirror.

everyone else does not seem to agree.

i am labeled, stamped, degraded, classified, clarified, portrayed and forced to fit into a persona that someone created on an anonymous server and called by the same name that i call myself. it is not me. why don’t people realize this? and why do people continue to define people in such a manner?

i want to be free. free from other peoples’ perceptions and midjudgments. i want to be me, not some self-degrading, self-pitying incompetent whore.

Adrienne Rich said:

If you are trying to transform a brutalized society into one where people can live in dignity and hope, you begin with the empowering of the most powerless. You build from the ground up.

i turned 20 today but it did not feel much different- just another day if you ask me. why are birthdays so special? it is just a day that my mother was in agony- she should be celebrating the release of all that pain.. but then i am 20 years worth of pain.. odd how that works… regardless, another day passed and i became a year older…

another san francisco nite
turquoise lights implode
entwined women shimmer
long legs end in stillettos
Manic Panik Glitter- silver
tangy tangerine dress yanked high
i never did like crayola naming system
old man rolls his eyes in disgust
“the world sure is changing”
[to me it appears to be less dungeon like;
i have a lot to learn]
dalmation drools from ten feet,
pink crayon a showin’,
dog eyes a glowin’
lights from Golden Gate
make halos in the sky,
angel women

i lean back, nipples erect
frustrated that i never see Orion

sometimes i feel alone. i think i have superficial comfort in the fact that jon is around. although i have been trying REALLY hard to not depend on him, not be attached, i know that i am not succeeding. i am not doing well at eliminating that crutch that his presence creates. when he is gone from me, i sometimes feel this emptiness inside of me that i don’t understand. i try to not have that feeling but it just happens. his presence creates a glow that i enjoy. i like complanionship. i am bedridden right now and i don’t like being alone. i want my housmeates around, not even to talk to, just to be there. i wonder what my mother experiences at home; she is so mortally alone. sometimes i realize that i wait for jon to go home, so that i won’t be alone. i like having three roommates. i am never alone that way. this is unhealthy and i know that. i just have to kill my loneliness. this is my life goal- kill the loneliness, kill the dependency that i have on being with people.

uneveness bothers me. it is a silly bothersome but i was just thinking about it. it makes no sense. my body is even- left=right, symmetric. when one side hurts, it bothers me more than if both sides hurt. strange. if jon gives me a body message and focuses on one side, it bothers me. when my socks don’t match, it bothers me. somethings are not even about my body though- i write with my right hand (but i like typing better because i use both hands equally). i cannot stand being mal balanced. if my body is leaning, it bothers me. i cannot sleep on tilted beds (even slightly), it bothers me. i don’t like watches- i never know which hand to put it on (i used to wear two watches). when i exercise one half of my body, i must exercise the toher half equally. very odd. i never though much about it until recently but it is true. my mind always thinks of good thoughts with bad thoughts; a bad though with each good thought. i need to accept that not everything is balanced and flow with it, accept it. bringing my oddities to the surface is a good thing. that way i can think about them and not let them rule me. acceptance is good. realization is good. that is my focus of the week.

november 14 i cried tonite. in fact, i bawled. not because of some torment but because i finally understood. i came home for the weekend, for my mother, to take care of her and keep her sane. it is her birthday and i did not want her to grow another year old alone. she is so sad as it is. we talked about her life and the pain she went thru. for some reason, it made sense tonite. she has told me many of the same stories many nites before and i would listen as a dutiful daughter but tonite it hit home. i understood. the realization that i finally understood hit home just a moment ago and i started crying. tears rolled down my eyes and i did not try to stop them. i did not need to hide from myself. the truth was inside me

we sat there for hours, holding each other, talking about this and that. the important things, the important moments. there has been so much sadness in the family and it is devastating. i am sad for her. both of us sat in our living room, bereaved in pain over the recent deaths and past frustrations. then, we both breathed and we both knew and that knowledge was shattering. i hugged her and we sat like that for a long time, knowing that the pain was over, the time was over and the past was finally in the past. it was one of those perfect hugs. and the tears flowed, releasing all of the past with them…