y’know? i’m in a bit of a personal mode for a bit… so i’ve kinda been on pause on these ramblings, as they’ve become all personal because i cannot react to the large quantities of social input that i’m currently experiencing in a public manner… i cannot consume more digital content and stay content. it’s time to go offline for a bit whenever possible… i will come back.. i just need a break.

oh, and besides, i have to admit that all of my digital feelings are a bit cranky right now. never do work that the CIA is interested in.

After wandering through the fabulous state of Utah (who knew it would be so beautiful!?!?!), i’m now in Santa Fe, working. Ah yes, sometimes fun just has to be put on pause for a bit of a reality check. We’ll be spending a few days in this town before doing the mad rush back to the east coast. Yes, mad is the best description as it will be 36 hours of driving and we’re allotting about 50 hours to get there…

Santa Fe is such an adorable little town.. it’s been a while since i’ve been here, although i really enjoyed my last trip. Then again, there was someone special here. Although it’s funny to think that my eastward entrance/departure is always mad rushed. The last time we came to Santa Fe, Jon and i were too scared by Texas so we rushed here, totally exhausted and utterly crashing. I guess that Texas, Oklahoma, Kansas, etc. are just not that interesting when there are more desired targets.

My headspace got a bit muddled by my digital reappearance last nite. When i came to the Media Lab, there were two sponsors that i did not want to work with for ethical reasons. Well, it seems as though my old advisor is going to continue my work (without really discussing it with me), done by other people, because one of those sponsors wants it. To make matters worse, she’s been getting involved with all of this Homeland Security crap. I remember a year ago listening to her bitch about an old colleague who let his philosophical values down to work for a mega-corp and has kinda turned into that mega-corp’s lackey, not really doing research anymore, but trying to please for money. It seems as though the same thing holds now. Money runs the acadamy and i’m even more horrified to be associated with it all. At least now, i can associate myself with V-Day and i will continue to associate myself with Brown. I’m through with MIT, as it offends every sense of ethics that i have. I’m also through with doing anything “scientific” in the academy because there’s no such thing as scientific research… it’s only the pursuit of the technological and scientific inqueries that will make people either rich or powerful. I’m quite disgusted…

On other news, i think that i’m going to put down my party days following an upcoming festival. I still love the music so much… every time i sit down and zone out to psy, i see things in another dimension… it gives me such great joy. But just as i’ve wandered to other dimensions in my listening, so have others.. and they are not a shared dimension. Boston has been full of a lot of pain for me, much of which is associated with unnecessary drug-induced drama. I’m tired of interacting with people who are deceptive because they live on a different planet. I’m tired of interacting with this form of drug culture. I didn’t realize how fabulous the drug culture that i knew back at university was until i started seeing it in “adult form.” I don’t want to be one of those cracked out people, and i’m tired of seeing them all of the time. Moving away from Boston will mean moving away from a lot of what i associate with it, and i think it will be a good thing. I find myself slipping into avoidance and self-indulgence and i haven’t felt truly connected to people in quite some time…

As the road flattened last nite when i exited the Rockies, i had a long conversation with myself, directed in part to my best friend. Change is a good thing; awareness is a good thing. I’m finally moving on rather than just running away, and this too is a good thing.

Oh.. and in case you’re wandering here randomly, my blog has not contained links to much as of late, because i’ve been quite disconnected and not reading… Thus, it has turned a bit internal, for those who know me and have this peculiar desire to know what’s in my head since i’m so bad at communicating… Sorry if the self-indulgence seems peculiar…

It’s so funny to feel so offline like i do at this moment. I mean, i check in every few days or so to check email, but it’s not like the connectivity that i’ve become accustomed to. I’m not sure whether or not i miss being online… i certainly despise the constant “you have 479 new messages” esque notes that i get whenever i log in.. And splitting them into 4 different email accounts does *not* ease the pain…. At least i’ve been ignoring one of them which has acrued over 1000 messages since i haven’t dealt with it in a week. ::sigh::

Of course, being offline is when most of the adventures occur, the ones that i should share with the brave souls who venture to this page for no good reason. I mean, i could rabble on about the Jelly Belly factory or Burning Man, but i doubt that i could give it justice in even sharing it… Not just for the reader but for myself. I mean, how do you distill an emotional adventure to a series of words that are meant to express the unexpressable? Not only does it seem foolish to try, it feels like the explanation corrupts the memories. Some memories are just meant to be kept inside, to be stored for a glimpse of joy and happiness. But needless to say, it was fun…

Following the most magnificant burn (not the Man, silly, but the Temple), we ventured out of the playa and onto the open road, for a full day of Nevada to land in yet another ludicrous town: Vegas… Coming back to reality is a bit tricky because there is responsibility and needless to say, it stands strong… So we slept, did laundry, visited the Body Shop (for all of those post-desert products to ease the pain) and i worked worked worked. But it’s all good.. it’s still nice and relaxed… Tomorrow we go back to camping and pretty scenary. Of course, nothing will be so glorious as a sunrise on the playa with a bit of glimmer in one’s eyes and a backdrop of crazed heads bouncing to a glorious set of psy. Although there is one more festival to go.. and for that one, i will be accompanied by my best friend and most favorite plotter which brings me such glee.

I have no idea what is happening in the world (that is the email account from which i have refrained) nor am i even certain what is happening with my beloveds (because i’ve been doing more soul searching than connecting). After flicking through Glitter on the pretty color box, i realized that the nation has kicked into “one year later” mode which made me glad that i’m avoiding everything… although it reminded me that i want to avoid the City like the plague when returning east.

Through avoidance, i did get two peculiar email messages this week… one from folks at Google wondering if i was interested in a job (::raised eyebrows::) and one hooked on phonics message with a cryptic drug-induced apology that refers me to Bukowski’s Women, Chapter 93. Sadly, i do not have said book (and neither did the local Barnes & Noble) so if any reader out there possesses such title, could you drop me a line to give me a synopsis of the chapter? I read the book… but i don’t know my chapters so very well.

I have been coming to terms with my relationships of the past year, trying to understand what is real and what isn’t. It’s interesting to get an apology, cryptic as it might be, but i’ve also come to accept that i just cannot stomach any more bullshit, deception or cruelty. At the Burn, i ran into an old roommate of mine who reminded me of a lot of things about myself, about who i used to be… I miss that person. Boston has hardened me, made me despise things, made me distrust people and thrown more bullshit in my way covered over as the typical drama. There’s something amazing about passion and desire, something about eternal optimism. I’m tired of the people who long to be cruel and hardened, to be deceptive and bitchy, just for protection. It makes for a pretty sorrowful environment. There is no need to substitute touchy-feely-connectivitity for sketchy lust, but i do prefer that to the coldness that exists out east. My collegeate bubble has finally burst and i’ve started to realize the conceptual vacancy of reality. That said, i’ve also realized that i would prefer to reconstruct my prefered environment than to accept this reality as eternal.

Life must be full of joy, not pain.

Travelling is not very good for blogging or reading email or doing anything typically productive. Thus, as per usual, i’ve been doing minimal online time (although it does take me at least an hour every time to get through my email… ::sigh::)

Traveling has been most wonderful in that personal breathing kind of way. It’s a nice little reminder of everything that is out there, of how i don’t need to always be so loud, of how to sit back and just watch a few things go by. I’ve enjoyed it. Fusion and the absurdity was a quiet little reminder of how difficult underground culture is. So many people are so angry as a result of it; i just feel pity for the organizers cause i know how hard it is to get that shit together… and i know that they did what they thought they were supposed to do. That’s always a challenge.

San Francisco is San Francisco. It’s great to be back though and this time i’m trying to look at it with that critical eye of where i want to live. I know that i need sun which basically means either the Mission or out in Berkeley… i just don’t think i could deal with the greyness all of the time. But watching my friends search for housing does not look like fun. 🙁 Too bad. Seeing friends is both fantabulous and exhausting. I’m just not in a place where i can deal with a lot of emotional strife – i’ve been too engrossed in my own and i’m trying to come out of it. I just don’t have the energy to think on that level, not because i don’t want to but because i’m so precariously surviving as it is. The last few months in Boston tore me apart in way too many ways, both on a work and a personal level, leaving me angry and bitter and horrified at the magnitude in which people could be inconsiderate. And for the first time in my life, i didn’t want to talk about it, to anyone. I spoke briefly with a few closest friends on the days that i felt buried, on the days that i wasn’t sure if i could get out of bed. Basic survival. But since then, i haven’t wanted to speak to anyone. I realized how powerful communication is, how important it is, what happens when it is broken. But i also realized that there is no reason to burden outsiders with the communicative incompetencies of my own life. I guess it’s a part of growing up – turning inwards. But to do so, i can’t deal with others, which makes me feel guilty.

That said, it is good to see people. My dearly beloveds. Talking, cookies, hottubbing at Frogs with massages, all of the precious things that make San Francisco so magical in my head. But i’m also aware of the daily stresses of everyone around me. It makes me really wonder if i shouldn’t just go to Hawaii for a while before coming out here. Self time. Sanity time. Yoga and breathing, inwards looking, spirituality, the whole nine yards. Hell, i can’t even really breathe in this city right now, emeshed in people’s chaos. ::sigh:: On the other hand, it is Burning Man time and this city lights up like a schizophrenic octopus on fire, balancing the world, slippery arms not properly grasping the different responsibilities so that emotions come crashing down, seeping from the different dangling goodies.

Ah Burning Man… next week… I too have been preparing, but in a typical way. Silver and pink. Two more pink hats, a set of pink cowboy boots, silver body paint. I keep thinking i may go outside of my norm, but i really just want to be comfortable, low key but still me… besides, there’s still pink and dude, the pink cowboy boots are *HOTT*… i’ve been eyeing them for over a year now… mm.. mm.. mmm…

And now.. i must work.. because life continues to be a balance.

Woweeee… So i’ve been on the road for quite some time and am now sitting in a little cafe in San Francisco. Catie, Steph and i drove all around the funny country – through Iowa (which is not spelled O-H-I-O as the sign said) and Nebraska, Colorado, Wyoming, Utah…. Utah was way pretty.. way way pretty… we spent quite a bit of time there, probably a bit too much as we realized at 2PM on Thursday in Arches that we had 24 hours to rush to northern California for Fusion… which we did…. in one large rushed journey. But everything was very silly (including the sketchy truck stop where Steph got a nice little note from a trucker “I’ll pay you real good” slipped under her shower room).

Fusion was a bit chaotic. We got stopped in the local town because we “looked like ravers” but we played clueless when the sheriff kept telling us it was cancelled. So we drove up the mountain (more really bad roads.. location changed.. good thing we had the truck…) and ran into more cops who told us to turn around. We ignored them. Got to the top and sure enough there was chaos. Although it was on private, native territory, the permits that the organizers had acquired were not considered good enough for a rave. Hrmfpt. We weren’t a rave. But alas.. they declared us as such and we had to seek new permits… Music didn’t happen the first nite, large numbers of road blocks and other chaos… Mean sheriffs… Angry sheriffs… Crazy cool people – the best type – west coast hippie psy kids… So we chilled relaxed and waited. And then i offered my funny satellite phone and they started calling lawyers… and then a little piece of legal paperwork was drafted and Fusion Festival was cancelled and we were marched off the land. And then a church was created, we all joined the church by signing our names, marched back on the land and viola! music!!!! Oh, it was ridiculous.. in a good adventurous kind of way.. hte best kind. And there was crazy dancing. And there were crazy people and water holes and a beautiful campsite and everythign wonderful.

And oh drats.. my card at the internet cafe is running out…

We’re in Iowa… There was another change in cars and now we have a very big truck. Tehehehehe. We’re doing quite well – ridiculous in fact… we’re still stunned by the new car, which is awefully big and lets us put things on the roof. Mmm.. Priscilla, Queen of the Desert, here we go!!! Sleepy.. more shortly…

Why is it that i never cleanly finish one thing before phasing into the next? Although this really reflects an absurd number of the aspects of my life, i keep thinking about school. I oozed into grad school from undergrad, taking forever to finish my thesis. And i’m definitely oozing out of grad school into everything else. Hell, this week has been this chaotic mixture of thesising, V-Day and preparations for travels.

Speaking of which, oh my god am i excited! Car chaos was a bit out of hand, but it is settled now. We were going to take Jon’s car, but then Catie’s mom was a little nervous so she offered her car (which is brand spanking new) and well, we just didn’t object. So, we’re driving my car out to Ohio where it will sit for the month, which is perfectly fine with me. I started getting little things (like Dr. Bronner’s.. mmm..) but most of the shopping is going to happen on route. Steph is bouncing uncontrollably and i just can’t wait. We have no idea where we’re going or what we’re doing and that’s just A-OK. We’ve started babbling uncontrollably in emails.. in those thinking aloud kinda ways… Latest one involved underwater themes and fishies…

Basically, i can’t wait for the absurdity. Outdoor festivals just rock my world. Everyone comes out of their caves and smiles and just gets ridiculous. Absurd ideas fly through the air and there’s such a magical feeling about the combination of earth fire water sky and music. ::bounce::

My advisor and i sat down to go over my thesis. For three hours. I’m glad to see she has a lot of fabulous comments although i can’t help but be a bit grumply that she waited until now to give me feedback about chapters that i had given her one at a time starting weeks ago. ::sigh:: But oh well, i’ll deal. Now i just have a few days to incorporate them.

Oh, and i ran across a great little quote today: “The world was made for people who aren’t cursed with self-awareness.” – Bull Durham, screenplay by Ron Shelton

Psychedelic culture constantly reflects on the meaning of reality, the questioning of other dimensions and the notion that we are not alone in this universe. It’s one of the reasons that i am fascinated by the culture and the conversations embedded in it; i think that they challenge normative values in a meaningful way.

Unfortunately, these interests are not purely philosophical and in altering the realities in which their brain operates, some people seem determined to project themselves into another reality and live in an alternate dimension, regardless of the impact on others. In constructing their own realities, they accept that their reality will not mesh with those around them and thus the idea of reality loses its truth-value. It is not surprising that two people leave a situation with entirely different impressions as to its impact, but when the order and structure of events is constantly altered, this eliminates any shared ground and all activities turn into a personal hallucination. More than anything, this creates separation between people, anger, frustration and other negative consequences, simply because people need to maintain their own reality. Rather than developing cohesiveness, this creates ultimate loneliness, separation and despair.

Thus, i see psychedelic culture as constantly in conflict with itself. Rather than mind-expanding, people seem content to mind-deviate, avoid and ignore. This frustrates me to no end because i cannot accept a value system that accepts intentional deception in order to promote alternate realities or dimensions. Nor can i accept people who embrace such values in the name of mind-expansion.

I never quite know what to make of horoscopes and tarot cards and the like. I’ve never believed in astrology or its meanings, but i had a little realization today. What i like about them is that they provide feedback, stuff that i already know (partially because i read the horoscope/tarot cards in the light that i want to read it), but they provide the feedback in a way that i’m willing to digest it. I can see a reading and it’s like looking in the mirror, only because of the mysticism and the idea that someone else wrote it, i end up better able to hear what i am actually personally constructing. I never thought about putting astrology into the same vein as self-help, which is silly because it’s all new age, but alas, there are certain things that take a smack upside the head before you’re willing to see them.

I’m still not willing to pay for a tarot reading, as it seems utterly foolish to pay someone to be a mirror. Although that’s quite hypocritical since i think of psychologists in the same light. Only difference is that they are a human presence that lets me work out my shit without causing harm to my friends. Hmm.. and i support shrinks but i don’t support cults. I guess my problem there is that you spend a lot of money under the guise of getting help, but without realizing that their main objective is to make money. Of course, i get weary whenever money is involved..

I need to think about this some more, cause my opinions seem awefully arbitrary on the matter. When can external opinions be valuable or harmful?