i can’t tell if i’m holding together or not. the last of the people i was actually curious about emerged, so i am pretty certain that no one particularly close to me died as a result of these tragedies. i haven’t cried once this week. i turn away from pictures that disturb me, particularly anything making it too personal. and i’m numb, numb as fuck. and angry, scared and frustrated. i am not fearful of my own life, nor am i angry with the terrorists for what has gone on. i can’t help but think about it intellectually, sit in my mind and wonder what all we have done to piss off other people, what we are doing now and the potential ramifications. i am turning to thinking to get through day to day, only thinking about this shit, thinking about the interactions of countries and politics. and i am watching hatred unfold and it makes me sick and wanting to just hide, frustrated and confused at how a country can divide so quickly into hatred and intolerance. plus, i can’t help but question the images that i am seeing and the government that i am supposed to stand behind.

because my mind can’t get off of all of this, i can’t concentrate on anything else. my whole mind is focused on the situation at hand and i am feeling a growing guilt over my inability to be productive, my inability to think and focus on issues that i can’t even motivate to care about right now. and i feel selfish for thinking that, because there’s nothing happening in my head or in my life that makes me feel productive or useful, so it’s not like i have that excuse. i am not being productive on other levels. i am being numb and withdrawn, unable to do anything, paralyzed in a sense. as the guilt is building, i am feeling more and more depressed and angry with myself.

where on earth do i go with this? how do i get on some track (fuck the right track)