well, things are not exactly going as i always expect them to. and fuck you cause i know that i haven’t written in a while. but now i am depressed as fuck and don’t know what is an appropriate outlet so i am trying to go with this, something that seems a bit better than most.
certainly i am depressed. welcome to danah world and what always is the start of me writing in this diary. so, yeah, i am depressed. and as a result, i am bitter and angry and frustrated and a million other inappropriate emotions that i don’t know how to vent appropriately. i mean, i know that i am not really doing well. i can’t eat and i am never hungry, yet i can tell that my body is chewing its own cudd because i can taste the taste of starvation in the back of my throat and no toothpaste makes it go away.
i am lonely, in that embittered angry way that it so deep down inside that the burn can make my heart stop when i just stop to think about it.
i am tearing at myself, confused and uncertain, with my ialac sign already tattered beyond repair.
and the most depressing part is that i am smart enough to know that i am being selfish and that i am not alone. yet i also feel my own pain more than anyone else’s which only challenges the situation further. and no matter how hard i think otherwise, i want to curl under a pillow and die, just die. i thought about the problems with suicide today, not really remembering why i never do it but remembering that i never do so why start now. i feel too hollow, too out of control, too confused and uncomfortable in my own situation, uncomfortable about everything that is going on. ahhhhhhhhhhhh