i am starting to make sense of what i am feelings… of course, starting is the key word in th3 sentence.
one of the weirdest things has happened to me over the last couple of months. i met these two people when studying abroad and they really fucked with my mind.
before going abroad, i used to always think that i just thought in a “weird” fashion and would never find others who thought like me. before going abroad, i went through all of my interests and desires and attempted to come up with the associated label for each element of me by which others might identify. then, once i thought that i had a term by which people are categorized, i attempted to find others who also identified under that term. in this way, i tried to find a “community” of others who thought like me. i sought out geeks/nerds, women/womyn/feminists, lesbians/bisexuals/queers, punks, deadheads, ravers, cyber-fiends, goths, preps, hippies, literary folk, christians (the loving thing…), buddhists, intellectuals, etc. this did not get me very far. many of these people were cool and often we had something or another in common. but, they were not my community. they did not fulfil my needs, mentally and emotionally. i continued to walk around devoid, lonely and frustrated
see, the core of me never identified with these people. in particular, my sex and sexual identifications. it is as though all of the communities thrived on these binaries, these definitions. queerness rarely implied fluidity and all of the communities were about adopting a definition of oneself and being proud of it. unfortunately, their definitions were frequently as destructive to those who were not included as they were benefitial to those finally included in someth ing. frankly, i just wanted to find a place to feel included.
i never really looked into groups whose identifications didn’t match mine. this was not intentional (well, in some cases – such as the muslims – it was) but rather out of a lack of time and energy. you see, each time i found a new group to explore, i put my heart and soul into it. i tried to do everything they were doing so that i fit in visably so that i could see if they were right from me. my appearance changed constantly but i was never really comfortable. it was getting to such a degree of frustration that i had given up completely. my wardrobe became standard and i stopped dressing to please. i began the constant appearance of overalls and white t-shirts with a few exceptions depending on my mood . i stopped doing my hair except when i was bored and curious. hell, i shaved it outta annoyance. at first, being abroad was frustrating. although i had a similar identity to the people i was with, we really never clicked. and then i met these two people who really changed my reality.
the two i met sorta identified as queer, sorta identified as trans, sorta sorta sorta. neither really felt entirely at home with any group they were often portrayed to be a part of. but i wasn’t getting to know them in a group setting. they were my friends, individually primarily. neither had chosen paths of life similar to my own, yet somehow they seemed to understand me and i them. we didn’t have all that much in common, yet we thought alike on so many levels. it really boggled my mind and fucked with me head to foot. even as i sit here writing this, i don’t really know how i connected with them but somehow i did. unfortunately, i was there temporarily and i am back to my haunch in the states, feel ing a bit lonely and sad. only now i know that my community exists out t here somewhere, only scattered all apart and with no clear cut indentity. i just hope to find more people who think like me.
the one thing i know through all this is that sex/gender “crap” (for a lack of a better expression) is really what most people don’t see eye-to-eye with me. i don’t identify as trans because i am not trying to be something i am not nor am i trying to transcend anything. i just don’t think much of it. i like my body and i like giving it pleasure. i like certain touches and textures, pressure s and caresses. i like doing certain things to people, partially dependent on t heir own desires and pleasures, and partially on mine. i like thinking and dressing, acting and thinking the way i do. i don’t really want to put it into a box nor do i want to box people with whom i am sharing pleasure. frankly, i just want to be left alone. left alone by society and his expectations and binaries. (i mean, if society was really an it, do you really think it would have such expectations of us??) why does it matter who shares a bed with me or how i dress when i am going to work? i mean, as long as pleasure is shared and work gets done, what else matters?? it just seems outright dumb to me.
sure, some people share those general feelings as part of a group… but they don’t really live it. the two i met abroad… they really got it and damn did i enjoy their company.