{"id":6870,"date":"2018-01-24T21:33:57","date_gmt":"2018-01-25T01:33:57","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.zephoria.org\/thoughts\/?p=6870"},"modified":"2018-07-21T21:34:56","modified_gmt":"2018-07-22T01:34:56","slug":"panicked-about-kids-addiction-to-tech-here-are-two-things-you-could-do","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.zephoria.org\/thoughts\/archives\/2018\/01\/24\/panicked-about-kids-addiction-to-tech-here-are-two-things-you-could-do.html","title":{"rendered":"Panicked about Kids\u2019 Addiction to Tech? Here are two things you could do"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Flickr:\u00a0<\/em>Jan\u00a0Hoffman<\/em><\/a><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

(This was originally posted on NewCo Shift<\/a>)<\/em><\/p>\n

Ever since key Apple investors challenged the company to address kids\u2019 phone addiction, I\u2019ve gotten a stream of calls asking me to comment on the topic. Mostly, I want to scream. I wrote extensively about the unhelpful narrative of \u201caddiction\u201d in my book\u00a0It\u2019s Complicated: The Social Lives of Networked Teens.<\/em><\/a>\u00a0<\/em>At the time, the primary concern was social media.\u00a0Today, it\u2019s the phone, but the same story still stands:\u00a0<\/span>young people\u00a0<\/span>are using technology to communicate with their friends non-stop at a point in their life when everything is about sociality and understanding your place in the social world<\/span>.<\/span><\/p>\n

As much as I want to yell at all of the parents around me to chill out, I\u2019m painfully and acutely aware of how ineffective this is.\u00a0Parents don\u2019t like to see that they\u2019re part of the problem or that their efforts to protect and help their children might backfire.<\/span>\u00a0(If you want to experience my frustration in full color, watch the\u00a0Black Mirror<\/em>\u00a0episode called \u201cArkangel\u201d (trailer here<\/a>).)<\/p>\n

Lately, I\u2019ve been trying to find smaller interventions that can make a huge different, tools that parents can use to address the problems they panic about. So let me offer two approaches for \u201caddiction\u201d that work at different ages.<\/p>\n

Parenting the Small People: Verbalizing Tech\u00a0Use<\/strong><\/h4>\n

In the early years, children learn values and norms by watching their parents and other caregivers. They emulate our language and our facial expressions, our quirky habits and our tastes. There\u2019s nothing more satisfying and horrifying than listening to your child repeat something you say all too often. Guess what?\u00a0They also get their cues about technology from people around them.<\/span>\u00a0A child would need to be alone in the woods to miss that people love their phones.\u00a0<\/span>From the time that they\u2019re born, people are shoving phones in their faces to take pictures, turning to their phones to escape, and obsessively talking on their phones while ignoring them.<\/span>\u00a0Of c<\/span>ourse they want the attention that they see the phone as taking away. And of course they want the device to be special to them.<\/p>\n

So, here\u2019s what I recommend to parents of small people:\u00a0<\/span>V<\/strong><\/span>erbalize what you\u2019re doing with your phone<\/strong><\/span>.<\/strong><\/span>\u00a0<\/span>Whenever you pick up your phone (or other technologies) in front of your kids, say what you\u2019re doing. And involve them in the process<\/span>\u00a0if they\u2019d like.<\/span><\/p>\n

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  • \u201cMama\u2019s trying to figure out how long it will take to get to Bobby\u2019s house. Want to look at the map with me?\u201d<\/li>\n
  • \u201cDaddy\u2019s checking out the weather. Do you want to see what it says?\u201d<\/li>\n
  • \u201cMom wants to take a picture of you.\u00a0Is that OK?<\/span>\u201d<\/li>\n
  • \u201cPapa needs a break and wants to read the headlines of the New York Times. Do you want me to read them to you?\u201d<\/li>\n
  • \u201cMommy got a text message from Mama and needs to respond. Should I tell her something from you too?\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

    The funny thing about verbalizing what you\u2019re doing is that you\u2019ll check yourself about your decisions to grab that phone.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span>Somehow, it\u2019s a lot less comfy saying: \u201cMom\u2019s going to check work email because she can\u2019t stop looking in case something important happens.\u201d\u00a0<\/span>Once you begin saying out loud every time you look at technology, you also realize how much you\u2019re looking at technology.<\/span>\u00a0And what you\u2019re normalizing for your kids.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span>It\u2019s like looking at a mirror and realizing what they\u2019re learning.<\/span>\u00a0So check yourself and check what you have standardized. Are you cool with the values and norms you\u2019ve set?<\/span><\/p>\n

    Parenting the Mid-Size People: Household Contracts<\/strong><\/h4>\n

    I can\u2019t tell you how many parents have told me that they have a rule in their house that their kids can\u2019t use technology until X, where X could be \u201cafter dinner\u201d or \u201cafter homework is done\u201d or any other markers. And yet, consistently, I ask them if they put away their phones during dinner or until after they\u2019ve bathed and they look at me like I\u2019m an alien.\u00a0<\/span>T<\/span>eenagers loathe hypocrisy<\/span>. It\u2019s the biggest thing that I\u2019ve seen to undermine trust between a parent and a child. And boy do they have a lot to say about their parents\u2019 addiction to their phones.<\/span>\u00a0Oy vay.<\/span><\/p>\n

    So if you want to curb the usage of your child\u2019s technology use, here\u2019s what I propose:\u00a0<\/span>Create a household contract.<\/strong><\/span>\u00a0<\/span>This is a contract that sets the boundaries for\u00a0everyone<\/em>\u00a0in the house\u200a\u2014\u200aparents and kids.<\/span><\/p>\n

    Ask your teenage or tween child to write the first draft of the contract<\/span>, stipulating what they think is appropriate as the rules for everyone in the house, what they\u2019re willing to trade-off to get technology privileges and what they think that parents should trade-off.\u00a0<\/span>Ask them to list the consequences of not abiding by the household rules for everyone in the house. (As a parent, you can think through or sketch the terms you think are fair, but you should not present them first.).\u00a0Ask your child to pitch to you what the household rules should be. You will most likely be shocked that they\u2019re stricter and more structured than you expected.<\/span>\u00a0And then start the negotiation process. You may want to argue that you should have the right to look at the phone when it\u2019s ringing in case it\u2019s grandma calling, but then your daughter should have the right to look at her phone to see if her best friend is looking. That kind of thing.\u00a0Work through the process, but have your child lead it rather than you dictate it. And then write up those rules and hang them up in the house as a contract that can be renegotiated at different types.<\/span><\/p>\n

    Parenting Past Addiction<\/strong><\/h4>\n

    Many people have unhealthy habits and dynamics in their life. Some are rooted in physical addiction. Others are habitual or psychological crutches. But across that spectrum, most people are aware of when something that they\u2019re doing isn\u2019t healthy. They may not be able to stop. Or they may not want to stop. Untangling that is part of the challenge.<\/span>\u00a0When you feel as though your child has an unhealthy relationship with technology (or anything else in their life), you need to start by asking if they see this the same way you do.<\/span>\u00a0When parents feel as though what their child is doing is unhealthy for them, but the child does not, the intervention has to be quite different than when the child is also concerned about the issue.<\/span>\u00a0There are plenty of teens out there that know their psychological desire to talk non-stop with their friends for fear of missing out is putting them in a bad place. Help them through that process and work through what strategies they can develop and learn to cope. Helping them build those coping skills long term will help them a lot more than just putting rules into place.<\/p>\n

    When there is a disconnect between parent and child\u2019s views on a situation, the best thing a parent can do is try to understand why the disconnect exists.<\/span>Is it about pleasure seeking? Is it about fear of missing out? Is it about the emotional bond of friendship? Is it about a parent\u2019s priorities being at odds with a child\u2019s priorities? What comes next is fundamentally about values in parenting.<\/span>\u00a0Some parents believe that they are the masters of the house and their demands rule the day. Others acquiesce to their children\u2019s desires with no push back. The majority of the parents are in-between.\u00a0But\u00a0<\/span>at the end of the day,\u00a0<\/span>parenting is about helping children navigate the world and support them to develop agency in a healthy manner.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span>So I would strongly recommend that parents focus their energies on negotiating a path through that\u00a0<\/span>allows children to be bought-in and aware of why boundaries are being set<\/span>.<\/span>\u00a0That requires communication and energy, not a new technology to police boundaries for you. More often than not, the latter sends the wrong message and backfires, not unlike the\u00a0Black Mirror<\/em>\u00a0episode I mentioned earlier.<\/span><\/p>\n

    Good luck parents\u200a\u2014\u200a<\/span>parenting is a non-stop adventure filled with both joy and anxiety.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    Flickr:\u00a0Jan\u00a0Hoffman (This was originally posted on NewCo Shift) Ever since key Apple investors challenged the company to address kids\u2019 phone addiction, I\u2019ve gotten a stream of calls asking me to comment on the topic. Mostly, I want to scream. I wrote extensively about the unhelpful narrative of \u201caddiction\u201d in my book\u00a0It\u2019s Complicated: The Social Lives […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_s2mail":"yes","footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-6870","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.zephoria.org\/thoughts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6870","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.zephoria.org\/thoughts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.zephoria.org\/thoughts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.zephoria.org\/thoughts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/6"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.zephoria.org\/thoughts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=6870"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.zephoria.org\/thoughts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6870\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":6871,"href":"https:\/\/www.zephoria.org\/thoughts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6870\/revisions\/6871"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.zephoria.org\/thoughts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=6870"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.zephoria.org\/thoughts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=6870"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.zephoria.org\/thoughts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=6870"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}