i don’t know if it is a part of who i am or what i think but i have always thought that i was genuinely crazy; i always wondered when i would end up in the hospital, adoring the movies, loving the book stories of being crazy. it just made sense to me. and i always questions my motives to start with, wondering if what i was doing was motivated by something else, someone else, spite. but anyway…<\/p>\n
part of me wants to be sane, and the other doesn’t really… i just wonder when i will stop running and what will happen then. do i do pressure? in a weird fucked up way.. and only some times. i want to be alone and i despise it all the time, addiction to socialization, adicted to instability. love of what? nonsense. i like trouble.<\/p>\n
so, the part wanting to be sane has ordered vitamins, vowed to exercise, promised to take control. but the stupid & insane part has done a few more things. i mean, we (that part pushing me), broke up with my lover, spends outta control, engages in constant seek of sex, and goes to see a fucked up movie for “fun”.<\/p>\n
the book reminded of myself, understanding the character, realizing who i am, engaging. and the other part faught. while the movie was not the book, it took me to a time, an emotional state without remembering the details of the book. and so i am stoned, confused and frustrated.. knowing that i don’t have control as much as i pretend. if i stop, i will fall and i don’t know how to do that.. so i run.<\/p>\n
so the character in the book – susanna.. well, you get this impression that she is not really insane, just not entirely together. she is diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, a common “disease” for anyone they can’t classify.. and i definitely fit into the definition:<\/p>\n
1) frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
\n2) a pattern of unstable & intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation<\/p>\n
3) identity disturbance: markedly and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self<\/p>\n
4) impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g. spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)<\/p>\n
5) recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures or threats, or self-mutilating behavior<\/p>\n
6) affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)<\/p>\n
7) chronic feelings of emptiness<\/p>\n
8) inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)<\/p>\n
9) transient, stress related paranoia or severe dissociative symptoms<\/p>\n
but if everyone has this, why don’t i feel like everyone feels like i do.. i feel like shit<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
i don’t know if it is a part of who i am or what i think but i have always thought that i was genuinely crazy; i always wondered when i would end up in the hospital, adoring the movies, loving the book stories of being crazy. it just made sense to me. and i […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_s2mail":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-148","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-prosperity"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.zephoria.org\/thoughts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/148","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.zephoria.org\/thoughts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.zephoria.org\/thoughts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.zephoria.org\/thoughts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.zephoria.org\/thoughts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=148"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.zephoria.org\/thoughts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/148\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.zephoria.org\/thoughts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=148"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.zephoria.org\/thoughts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=148"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.zephoria.org\/thoughts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=148"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}