I got the phone call late afternoon yesterday and felt my heart warm. I did the practical things i promised to do in response and then sat down in my office and let the tears drip down my face – tears of relief, of joy, of love.<\/p>\n
The worries began many months ago and Google is the perfect tool for the intermittent hypochondriac. I had been prepared for the worst but when all began to unfold, i found myself overjoyed that it had an explanation at all. As the weight of the situation began to press down, i found that i could stand firmly on my feet, balanced, grounded. There was only one caveat – i could not deal with anything minor whatsoever. Meowing cats, laundry, the smog check people, people who couldn’t understand, couldn’t know. I fell out of my usual habits, partially by necessity and with that came the loss of many connections.<\/p>\n
I don’t know if i was ever truly afraid – i had confidence; we had confidence. And we fed off of each other. We giggled over the practicalities, brought out our inner children, joked about Smurfs and found fascination in every scientific detail. I relished those phone calls. I stopped being able to distinguish if i was performing OK or just was OK. People worried about me, bless their hearts, and i tried to assuage their concern, whether or not they believed me. I guess it doesn’t really matter – in my heart, i started believing my performance.<\/p>\n
So when that phone call came, i got to feel the weight as it melted down my cheeks, got to see just how much i’d been carrying around. Relief is a precious feeling, a tool of joy and love. The clouds have only begun to pass – it will be many months until a clear sky is truly visible. And i don’t know if things will ever be the same. Priorities become objects for inspection, as do habits. But in the meantime, i want to keep building on our childlike play.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I got the phone call late afternoon yesterday and felt my heart warm. I did the practical things i promised to do in response and then sat down in my office and let the tears drip down my face – tears of relief, of joy, of love. The worries began many months ago and Google […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_s2mail":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1450","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-reflections-rants"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.zephoria.org\/thoughts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1450","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.zephoria.org\/thoughts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.zephoria.org\/thoughts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.zephoria.org\/thoughts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.zephoria.org\/thoughts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1450"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.zephoria.org\/thoughts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1450\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.zephoria.org\/thoughts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1450"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.zephoria.org\/thoughts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1450"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.zephoria.org\/thoughts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1450"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}