ok, life went on hiatus for a while so, not surprisingly, so did the diary writing… but i am back, writing to a silly little online diary because i am lonely again. i don’t think that i could ever do well by myself alone – i think i would drive myself insane, possibly to my complete and utter detriment. i mean, maybe i would learn but it aches so badly…<\/p>\n
i have a friend here who is quite content in his own world, quite comfortable in self-sustained life, life by himself. it absolutely dumfounds and amazes me because i am so incapable of living like that… you see, i need people around me, the sound of life, beings intertwined and mingling. i don’t like to sleep alone, i don’t like to be alone. i would rather be unproductive and with people that be by myself, although i admit i write more and do a lot more when i am alone. constant reminder to myself that i will not be the most productive individual in the world, but i can also accept that. so what does it mean that i cannot handle my own head? what am i afraid of? what pushes me to different places, makes me so depressed and confused and creates this aching feeling that i only know how to call loneliness?<\/p>\n
i am (trying to) finish up the school year.. what a bi-a-tch. i am just not very motivated to be doing schoolwork right now, even though i should be, or at least need to be. i don’t know why but school just doesn’t feel right right now.. i guess i am not in the mood or something. but i just need to finish and get it overwith, as much as i am going to regret the rush later… i like school, i like learning, but right now i am just not handling it. that creates a stale reality – where you know you want to do what you are doing but you can’t mentally afford it. hrmmpft. i think that is why i can’t do cs grad school next year. i really do want to do it but i am just not in the mindset for it yet and if i go without being in the mindset, it will become a waste of time for both me and my prof. i am motivated to learn though.. which is why i am thinking of going to art school, as nutty as that seems!<\/p>\n
it is funny how a semester sorta just runs past you and all of a sudden BAM! that was the end of it. well, i am sorta seeping towards the endline on this one yet everyone around me is done, complete and happy! so difficult.. but i partied with them last nite to indicate the beauty of finishing up, of getting to the end. two people that i adore and know well and two people that i barely know and i got together and had a flipping good time, complete with cuddling and comfort, lust and passion, happiness. it was quite intense and in so many good ways. i got to see the mental insides of this group in so many new interesting ways, interacting and playful. it was a good way to spend the evening and well worth the craziness to make it happen. ok.. must motivate.. must work.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" ok, life went on hiatus for a while so, not surprisingly, so did the diary writing… but i am back, writing to a silly little online diary because i am lonely again. i don’t think that i could ever do well by myself alone – i think i would drive myself insane, possibly to my […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_s2mail":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-134","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-prosperity"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.zephoria.org\/thoughts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/134","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.zephoria.org\/thoughts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.zephoria.org\/thoughts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.zephoria.org\/thoughts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.zephoria.org\/thoughts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=134"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.zephoria.org\/thoughts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/134\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.zephoria.org\/thoughts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=134"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.zephoria.org\/thoughts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=134"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.zephoria.org\/thoughts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=134"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}