apophenia :: reflections & rants

September 10, 2008

United, my trip from hell, and karmic retribution

When I learned of how United's stock plummeted after an information mishap this week, I have to admit that I laughed out lot. It wasn't a LOL, but full-on hysterics. I couldn't help but think: karma, bites you in the ass every time. Y'see, whenever I think of United, I think of my trip from hell this summer and the atrocious ways in which the company handled it. I shudder when I hear their name and when travel agents try to put me on a United flight, my emotional response is pure panic.

United managed to dehumanize me at an unprecedented level this summer. United's attitudes were worse than AT&T and Blue Cross... combined. I felt used, abused, and taken for a ride. I missed the wedding of two dear friends and was practically laughed at by United when I voiced my dissent. I have never spent so much money to be treated so terribly. And I'm so bitter about it that I do everything possible to dissuade those that I know and love from getting on one of their aircrafts. (So for those of you booking flights, think twice before going with United.)

Earlier this summer, I went to China. I got there via American, did my speaking thing, and then went to leave. By that time, my lungs were a mess and I was anxious to leave. Plus, two of my dear friends were about to get married and I was to leave Beijing to join them for their rehearsal dinner. I had booked the United flight because it was the only direct to Dulles. I was wary of United and so I had checked multiple other routes and felt confident that I should be able to get to DC one way or another, especially since I was booking an expensive business class seat (almost $10K). I should've known. Here's the abbreviated story:

As we were about to board, they reported mechanical issues. We were to wait around. Delay after delay and eventually I went to the Lounge, hoping to find a United rep to tell me what was going on. All of the other business folks were there too, irate. Much to my horror, there were no United reps there because it was a partner lounge. Worse, the Air China employees were downright hostile and unhelpful. I asked to get onto alternate flights, but the Air China people told me they couldn't help me and, more irritatingly, wouldn't. They told me I had to speak to United. I asked where I could find a United rep and I was told (rudely) that I would have to go back out through security/customs to the front desk. My visa wouldn't allow this. I asked if I could call United from there and they told me no. Everyone around me was calling back to the States to get information. There was no WiFi and only 5 Internet data ports so there was no way to go that route.

Things got worse as the night progressed. It became clear that the flight was to be cancelled, but they wouldn't cancel it which prohibited any of us from being moved to other flights. Finally, late into the evening, United reps came around to hand out vouchers to a hotel. No clear instructions were given and it was utter mayhem. From the time they gave us the vouchers to the time that they got us to the hotel (sans luggage) took three hours. The United reps called twice in the middle of the night to wake us and tell us that we would be leaving earlier.

At 9AM, I met the United reps downstairs and they hurried us onto shuttles. We got to the airport (having collectively bonded) and when we were given our boarding passes, they had vastly different board times on them: 11.45, 12:15, 14:15. Much confusion, every rep said something different. It also became clear that there was no plane and that we wouldn't be leaving.

Y'see... we learned later that they didn't have a mechanic. They didn't bring one in the night before and they didn't have one in the morning. We sat around the lounge all morning, getting more and more angry as no information was provided and the China Air folks continued to be hostile to our presence. Many flights came and went but we weren't allowed on those other ones. At noon, a representative showed up with little to no information and was bombarded by pissed off people with questions that she couldn't answer. She told us that she'd return again at 1PM. It took us a few more hours to get out of there and we boarded a plane with barely working A/C and a worn-out but gracious flight staff.

Not only did I miss the rehearsal dinner, I missed the whole wedding. I was exhausted, miserable, and emotionally drained. The only people who were remotely polite were the United reps who were too junior to have any information whatsoever and just kept apologizing in broken English and the very exhausted flight attendants. Everyone else was as rude and horrid as possible, along with completely unhelpful, unresponsive, and unaccommodating. Even though there were a bazillion alternatives (who weren't even flying full), United did nothing to help. It wasn't even that I wasn't high enough on the totem poll - they were universally assholes to everyone. I asked a few of the Business Class passengers why they flew United and their reason was depressing: "because my company makes me." A few of them told me that when they flew personal, they flew anything but United.

At the end, we were given a "friendship kit" to submit to United. I did, along with a four page letter detailing what happened when. The response? A generic apology letter and a $150 discount for future flights. As an apology for a mangled $10K flight. Fuck you too United.

My partner always makes fun of me for being an overly loyal customer. It runs both ways though. I'm loyal to those companies who I feel treat me with respect and I hold long grudges against those that appear to enjoy screwing me. Grudges that I'm happy to share with others and incite mini-boycotts. And, at the end of the day, when I watch such ungracious, condescending, cruel, and greedy companies get fucked over by an act of fate or information accident or however you'd like to explain how that old article about their earlier bankruptcy ended up getting treated as contemporary, well, I just have to laugh. Karma... it bites you in the ass every time.

Category: reflections & rants

Tags: United airlines horror flight China trip

   

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August 2, 2008

delectable brain floss?

Last night, I took a break from dissertation writing and went to the bookstore. At midnight. I wasn't alone. Dozens of teen and early-20s girls took their wrist bands and lined up to buy Breaking Dawn, the fourth and final book in the Twilight series by Stephanie Meyer. It was relatively calm, especially compared to the Harry Potter extravaganza that I witnessed in Harvard Square when Book 7 was released. Still, I was quite happy to see folks standing on line for a book. Go dork pride!

The Twilight series is what my friend Irina calls brain floss (a.k.a. brain candy). It's the kind of yummy tasty book that makes you want to stay up all night and whip through it. All 700 pages of it. But that ruins its power as brain floss. Brain candy books must be used sparingly to be brain floss (or else you'd have to call it procrastination). So I'm only allowed to read 50 pages a day. Irina's convinced that brain floss is necessary for dissertation reprieve. It gives your mind a break from the intense social theory reading that it must do while writing. The focus is on the storyline and character development. It's easy to consume and takes absolutely no thinking whatsoever. Crunch crunch crunch... tasty.

Personally, I lurve YA brain floss. I mostly have little patience for the images of money, fame, power, and love presented in most adult brain floss. Of course, when I'm feeling the need to humor myself with Hollywood's absurdity, I will sometimes grab a Jackie Collins. But that can't be admitted to out loud so shhh.

I'm about to finish the Twilight series, so I have a question. What good brain floss do y'all recommend? Think the guilty pleasure book reading you do at the beach that is pure junk brain candy. Feel free to comment anonymously if you're embarrassed. But bring on the trash!

Category: reflections & rants

Tags: books

   

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July 23, 2008

a penny for your brain fodder

My blog is boring these days. Most of my writing energy is being spent on my dissertation. And I promise, none of you want to hear details of how I fine-tune my methodology chapter. I can't even keep you entertained with outrageous tales of sordid trysts because, well, there aren't any. Hell, I barely leave the house. The most exciting moments in my life occur when my cat snarls at the neighbor cat who tries to steal her food. And, well, that minutia is better left for Twitter. I could blog the dreams I've been having that involve Marx and Engels yelling at each other, but those make me look psychotic. So I'd rather not. That pretty much leaves grocery lists, health rants, and detailed discussions of the variability in Los Angeles weather.

Part of the problem is that I've been pretty disengaged with everything but my dissertation. I don't keep up with blogs or gossip and I have been dreadful at making it to events that would normally stimulate me to comment on events out in the world. Most likely, you're more engaged with social media these days than I am. Or you're here accidentally. And really bored. Presumably, if you keep coming back, you're waiting for me to say something interesting. Or maybe you're just sick and twisted.

So how about we make a deal... Why don't you help me find fodder to ramble and I'll try to be provocative in return? (Or at least more entertaining than I am now.)

If you've got something you want me to comment on, leave a comment. Write questions, share links, whatever. I can't promise that I'll get to everything nor can I promise that I'll want to comment on everything, but at least that'll give me a sense of what you might find interesting and it'll give me something other than my dissertation to think about. Being a hermit makes it hard to determine what is interesting. Anyhow, let's just give this a try... Perhaps it'll be an abysmal failure but perhaps it'll be an interesting experiment.

So what's on YOUR mind these days?

Category: reflections & rants

   

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June 29, 2008

Andy van Dam dancing the cha-cha

Michael Carter just sent me an email with a link to a YouTube video entitled Andy van Dam in "Dancing with the Professors." Andy was my undergraduate advisor, my mentor, and is a dear friend. I was one of his TAs and absolutely loved seeing him do goofy things in class. That said, I've never seen this side of him and I'm completely beside myself in giggles.

This makes me wonder.... where are all of the other avd videos? I found one of Andy losing in ping pong. But there has to be more embarrassing footage... I mean, as a CS15 TA, we did quite a few skits involving Andy. Hell, how many times did he play Darth Vader alone? Many of these had to have been videotaped. Who has these videos? Why aren't they on YouTube?

Calling all Brown CS alumni ... please upload any embarrassing footage that you have, pretty please?

Category: reflections & rants

Tags: avd brown cs

   

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June 23, 2008

marbellio trying to stay cool

Random kitty cat share for no good reason... Marbellio is trying to stay cool in Los Angeles and this picture is soooooooo cute. So I just had to share. Hopefully this brings a smile to your face on a Monday morning. Tehehe.

Category: reflections & rants

Tags: marbellio cat

   

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May 29, 2008

from blog to comic

Last fall, I wrote an entry called my long lost handwriting. Much to my delight, Greg Williams turned that post into a comic for Blogjam which appears in the Tampa Tribune tomorrow. Here's the digital version. ::giggle::

Category: reflections & rants

Tags: comics handwriting

   

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March 26, 2008

me in comic form

Marc Scheff, digital artist extraordinaire, penned this trippy comic version of me that I thought y'all would get a kick out of. ::giggle::

PS: Congrats to Marc and Chloe for their recent engagement! W00t!

Category: reflections & rants

Tags: comic image

   

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March 15, 2008

limited email March 16-25

I'm headed to Hong Kong with my partner for Eastover (what happens when Passover needs to be celebrated during Easter because that's when people have vacation). I will be checking my email sporadically, but don't expect much in the way of communication - In addition to family time, I'm also using this time to focus on some writing without the internet nearby. ::smoooch::

Category: reflections & rants

   

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March 5, 2008

enough already!

Last night, I turned off NPR in a state of complete disgust. It wasn't just the ongoing hellish pledge drive that drives me away from NPR for months at a time. (I _want_ to give to NPR, but the pledge drives tend to make me turn my back on NPR instead.) No, it was the framing of the election results. It was the way the story has been and continues to be framed. And it wasn't just NPR, but Fox News, CNN, and NYTimes have all made me blazingly angry this week. And it wasn't just about winners or losers, but about how the story is framed dramatically to get people to tune in.

I was really excited about this election. A variety of factors in my life motivated me to get really engaged, to research candidates, to persuade other people into engaging. I started reading and watching MSM again rather than waiting for it to be filtered through Stewart/Colbert or the blogosphere. But in doing so, I watched an ugly pattern emerge. The moment that one candidate was seen as pulling ahead, MSM started dredging up crap on them... or creating stories from nothing. My favorite story was the one the NYTimes wrote on how they couldn't find anyone to prove for certain that Obama did drugs. They published this the night before Virginia/Maryland/DC. The last two weeks, the NYTimes has done some of the worst reporting possible. The whole McCain story made me really sympathize with him personally (even though, politically, he scares the shit out of me). And then this week, they started reporting on how people are saying Clinton should step down if Obama wins in Texas and Ohio. Both of these articles seemed set up to do one thing: keep the election cycle going by amplifying the competition by any means necessary, but primarily by making the front-runner look dreadful.

I'm disgusted. In the back of my mind, I've always known that MSM is all about creating drama to sell more papers. As an infrastructure, MSM are not really partisan (although individuals are)... it's that the infrastructure of MSM feeds off of people being engaged. And there's nothing more emotionally engaging (and exhausting) than conflict and fear mongering. The MSM doesn't create an accurate picture of what's going on because the Corporation behind the MSM doesn't feel a responsibility to, even if individual reporters are well-intentioned. Journalists, by and large, are extremely well-intentioned but they're caught up in a system. They are pressured to write stories that create conflict and while senior folks can step back and take a higher stance, they can't become senior if they don't meet the needs of the Corporation for a while. Uphold hegemony and then maybe you get some wiggle room... but by then, you are the institution. Besides, even if you want to speak truth to power, good luck - your article is not likely to sell well or be widely read.

Many journalists are idealists. But they aren't independent and what's "newsworthy" is inevitably what's dramatic. Whatever stance they take on those dramatic incidents, their small part of the pie feeds into a much larger structure whose incentives are to keep the wheels turning.

I've been avoiding reporters a lot lately. They always tell me that I should talk to them "to tell the other side." But we both know that's not what really happens. They use me to tell the story that they need to tell but they have to at least give nods to "the other side" for appearances. There's no story in reality. Reality is boring. It's not made for 24/7 news. Fear sells. Conflict sells. Making someone else's life miserable sells. Reality doesn't. The incentives are all screwed up and it's just downright disgusting.

People always ask me what it will take to get teens to listen to news. Why should they? What do they gain by being sent on an information roller-coaster for the news industry to turn a buck? Does consuming news really make you more informed or ready to engage? Have you watched MSM on TV lately?

The more I try to engage, the more my passion and desire to make change is destroyed. Years ago, after a different egregious move by the NYTimes, I cancelled my subscription. I can't cancel it again, but I would if I could. More than anything, what I'm realizing is that I need to check out of the news again. It doesn't make me more well-informed; it simply makes me more angry and depressed. It's good timing... one less thing I can do while procrastinating writing.

As for the election, I've become pretty apathetic once again. At this point, I don't care. No matter what, I don't think that it will be fair or representative or in the best interests of the people. Everyone likes to complain about how the candidates don't give real opinions, but we all know the reason why they don't: the media would destroy them. Paying attention to their efforts to dance cautiously with the media gets me nowhere. There's no way to know the candidates, no way to actually get a sense of how they will navigate the nasty waters of the media, industry lobbyists, political pressures, and really complicated decisions. It's all guess work so all we do is vote on charisma and guesswork about who will handle which parts of the puzzle best. I still believe in Obama, but I've lost faith in the system. All I know is that come November, I will vote against the Republican party. McCain is only one small fraction of that party and actually the least of my concerns. I want that whole corrupting, demeaning, destructive party out of control now. I wish I could say that I would be voting for the Democrats, but I'm not sure that's true. I just don't think that they'll screw it up as badly. And the fact that at the end of the day I resort to that logic is depressing.

I wish I could find the energy to care, but I've completely lost it once again. I really had hope. I was so excited to see so many people energized and believing that they could make change by engaging. I was really excited to see conversations occur that were not previously occurring. But things have gone stale and at the end of the day, I realize that the media and other powerful people are once again controlling the election. And it's hard to sustain hope when that's what plays out.

In the meantime, I wonder if it's possible to change the incentive structure around MSM? (And no, I don't think that bloggers are the answer.)

Category: reflections & rants

Tags: media

   

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January 28, 2008

the absurdities of Davos

When I went to Cannes last year, I thought nothing could be more absurd. I was wrong; Davos is much much much more absurd.

Much to my shock, I was invited to speak at the World Economic Forum this year, all because of a talk that I gave at AAAS. Even though I was on travel ban, I couldn't pass up the opportunity to go. Given how many folks have asked me about it, I also figured I should do a trip report. This is that. In very brief high-level form.

Structure

Getting to Zurich was surprisingly easy, thanks to a direct flight from LAX. From Zurich, I hopped a bus with a bunch of other attendees. Imagine SF-Tahoe, complete with the traffic jams and snow piles everywhere as you go up into the mountains... only the bus is full of brilliant people that you admire deeply.

When I got to my hotel, I was a bit surprised to find that my $350+/night hotel room was crappier than the $39.99 ones that I mastered in rural America. There wasn't even working internet and the lobby smelled foul. Le sigh. That's what I get for going for the "cheap" option. The funny thing that I learned as the week went by is that many of the hotels are shite. There was something utterly absurd about realizing that the world's leaders pay obscene prices to stay in crappy hotels (except for those lucky enough to have connections to get an apartment in town or those unfortunate enough to have to get a place outside of town and commute in because the crappy hotels are filled).

Security is omg overwhelming and everpresent. There are police officers at every door, street corner, and lining every hotel. Probably 1 police to every 2 people. Metal detectors and bag scanners are everywhere (along with coat checks and badge scanners). Not all of the events take place in the same building so every 2-3 hours, you end up going through a new set of security/coat check, making regular trips to the airport seem like cake. Oddly, by the second day, it just seems normal.

Content

There are different kinds of sessions: big lecture sessions, workshops, breakfast/lunch/dinner discussions, and private events. Most sessions have a cap so you have to wake up at 7.30AM to sign up for sessions for the next day using kiosks that are everywhere (in hotels, in the lobby). You can print out your schedule on the kiosks too.

The big lectures are rather boring, but this is where many of the big politicians speak. I only went to a few of these after I realized that they were boring and that politicians couldn't afford to say anything that they wouldn't say on TV. Seeing Condoleezza Rice speak was dreadfully painful - I hadn't think it was possible for my opinion of her to sink any lower. She spent the entire lecture telling Davos about why America was stable and on the right path. I walked out. The best lecture that I attended was a discussion between Al Gore and Bono about their respective activist projects - finding commonalities and connections between global warming and poverty. Twas neat. U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon was also pretty rad. There was also a panel featuring six youth from around the world which was super great to see, especially since these kids are at the absolute opposite end of the spectrum to the teens I normally interact with. These young folks were full-blown activists, entrepreneurs, and philosophers. Intense!

Workshops are the bomb. They are topically oriented and everyone works in small groups solve a problem. I attended two of these - one on technology and development and one on status. At the tech & development one, we were to imagine how to address the problems of a fictional village (called Tupointo... 2.0). We were split into groups - villagers, government, NGOs, funders, and tech companies. Not surprisingly, I was assigned to be a villager. After working out our needs as villagers, we all compared our goals and then had to split up with reps from other groups to negotiate. Our villager group rocked, but when we had to compromise, I nearly killed one of the guys from the tech sector for not understanding villagers. Turns out he's a pretty powerful tech guy in RL... oops.

The second workshop on status was structured as a game where we were given gems that we had to trade to work our way up the status latter. It quickly became clear that some were born wealthier than others. I was a member of the poverty class. Realizing we would never win by getting money and realizing that whenever a member of our group did well, they were shipped off to another group, our group decided to aim for bottom, maximize happiness and conversation, and laugh at the other groups going crazy. The wealthier classes were much more invested in succeeding and one of the members from the upper-middle class nearly went ballistic over how the game was rigged and she wasn't able to win. Gotta love a room full of Type A personalities. Anyhow, this provoked a fun conversation and my table got to talking about the status structures of badges (not unlike those at tech companies where there are permanents and contractors and temps and whatnot).

I attended two dinners and one lunch (in addition to the dinner that I helped moderate). These sessions are structured around tables where a moderator leads a discussion and then, at dessert time, everything switches to more lecture-style. Both these and the workshops are really great to get to know folks who are also interested in the topic, even if that's not what they actually do. At the one on technology and education, I sat at Negroponte's table. At one on spreadable chronic diseases, I sat with a guy from Kaiser Permanente. At the cultural leaders dinner, I sat with Yo-Yo Ma and Homi Bhabha. Each sessions proved to be utterly fascinating and a great opportunity to get to see issues from a different perspective. I was completely blown away by some of the amazing people at these sessions, both at my table and those moderating other tables. At the cultural leaders dinner, Emma Thompson showed a new short movie on sex trafficking which really blew me away. (Her PSA called I Am Elana is also mind-opening.)

Of the private events I went to, the best was a small discussion with Yo-Yo Ma where he talked about how successful people have fears and how challenging it is to be so successful so young. This was for the Young Global Leaders and so it turned into a fantastic discussion about issues related to being young and successful. I've decided that Yo-Yo Ma is a god - he is extremely playful and equally present and engaged. I found talking to him to be soul-enhancing.

On top of these structured events, there were also all sorts of different kinds of schmooze receptions and parties. I found that I was dreadful at these. I'm not so good about wandering around schmoozing people, although it was astonishing to watch some people who were tremendously good at it. I did OK at the parties where I knew folks (and there were a decent number of tech folks there), but otherwise... eventually I decided that I would be better off focusing on the small things involving intimate interactions with new people or friends of friends. I got to attend two non-structured dinners which were really great for getting to know new people and diving deep. Because Davos is cold and slippery, there are all of these shuttle buses that go everywhere. I found that I had many fun conversations sitting in those shuttle buses. This was much more up my style than the schmooze affairs so I decided to do some extra rounds on the buses a couple of nights.

At Davos, I was not a VIP by any stretch of one's imagination. In fact, I was pretty close to the bottom of the attendee pecking order. It was pretty entertaining to see how people's eyes would gaze over when they looked at my tag - politicians and heads of very important companies are significant; researchers.. not so much. Those who did want to engage me on my work usually wanted to get advice about their kids; I did a lot of parent therapy at Davos which was fine by me. But it really was weird to watch the hierarchies operate there. All the same, folks were relatively down-to-earth.

Another thing about Davos was that it became painfully clear that most business people are unaware of their role in the system. The conversations of the conference were heavily focused on environmentalism, inequality, terrorism, and doing good to solve the world's problems. What I found was that many powerful people desperately want to help solve these problems but they seem unaware of their role in perpetuating some of the ills. It was weird... I couldn't tell if such folks were clueless or delusional. I still need to chew on this a bit more. But it was fascinating to see that most businesspeople at Davos genuinely believed that they could help the world.

Many people at Davos wanted to know who I was going to vote for - our election is extremely interesting to non-US folks and I was completely shocked to find that most non-US business people that I met at Davos strongly preferred Barack to Hillary. I wasn't expecting that. As for the U.S. Republicans... they too preferred Barack if they had to choose a Dem. Even though we weren't in the U.S., the U.S. was overly present there. Our economy, our elections, our politics... all of these were front and central from the global audience. Very strange.

All and all, I got little sleep but had a fantastic time meeting interesting people and talking about ideas and watching how some of the most powerful people in the world network. It really was just downright absurd and I still can't get it through my head that they allowed me in. ::laugh:: Now I must process what to do with what I learned there.

Category: reflections & rants

Tags: davos weforum

   

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December 10, 2007

giving back

As those who have followed this blog for a long time know, December is the month where I contribute 10% of my salary to worthwhile charities and encourage you to do the same. This is my modification of the traditional tithing practice, but I prefer to give to the charities of my choice instead of to the church. This year, I chose to give to a wide variety of organizations based on advice from my friends, but I would like to highlight a few that mean something to me personally in case you're looking for a good cause to support. My personal emphasis this year is on women's issues and education.

	V-Day. Most known for their productions of The Vagina Monologues, V-Day works to end violence against women and girls worldwide, addressing issues like rape, domestic abuse, female genital mutilation, and rape as a systematic tactic of war. This is V-Day's 10th anniversary and I've had the honor of volunteering and working for V-Day since 1998. I've always been super proud of what we've been able to accomplish.
	Planned Parenthood. Much to my horror, 2007 has involved numerous judicial and legislative setbacks to women's rights, particularly around their right to choose. The upholding of the Partial Birth Abortion Ban Act doesn't even allow women to choose an abortion if they've been raped or are likely to die if they carry the baby to term. Aside from the amazing work that they do on the ground, helping young women get sex ed information (in a culture of abstinence education), PP also is one of the few lobbying organizations that has the power to push back at both federal and local levels. We're going to desperately need them in the upcoming years, regardless of who is elected.
	Wikimedia Foundation. As the foundation behind Wikipedia, Wikimedia Foundation helps make information broadly accessible to the public. My favorite aspect of Wikipedia is that it is completely transparent. You can learn who created what information, understand their biases, and challenge what content they produce. For me, this project is essential to the future of education; it is the cornerstone of media literacy. We need to help educate people to think critically about how content is produced, regardless of medium. In the meantime, we have to help Wikipedia grow.
	Goma Student Fund. Started by one of my friends, Goma Student Fund is dedicated to providing quality education to children who are growing up in wartorn Congo. Personally, I think that education is the path to stopping war and I think that it is dangerous to not educate children who are growing up in wartorn environments. I love this modest but doable project as a result.
	Central Asia Institute. A slightly bigger project, the Central Asia Institute focuses on community based education for girls throughout Central Asia (think Afghanistan, Pakistan, and other areas ripe for education-based corruption). This is the project that is documented in Three Cups of Tea.

In addition to these great women's rights and education organizations, don't forget EFF, Creative Commons, and ACLU - three worthy groups trying to project our freedoms online and off.

Finally, if you are like me, you detest receiving snail mail from organizations after you've donated. For this reason, I'm a big fan of donating anonymously through Network for Good - it's a good way to make certain you never receive mail of any kind while still giving you the tax credit.

Category: reflections & rants

   

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December 8, 2007

hiking in LA (and The Golden Compass)

Having not left the house or gotten out of my PJs all week (except for one short scavenging of food a few blocks away), G decided that I needed a change of scenery before embarking on another week of head-down data analysis. After breakfast on the beach, we went up to Topanga for a nice hike. One of my favorite things about LA is that there is so much hiking really close by. At the same time, I kinda suspect that I don't know all of the good spots. What are other good trails in LA and the neighboring counties?

Oh, and post-hike, we decided to go see The Golden Compass which was surprisingly good. (I was terrified of the potential for a dreadful adaptation.) I wanted to make sure that I saw it opening weekend since the Catholic church is urging people to boycott it. Personally, I'm a huge fan of Pullman's Dark Materials series. I love the fact that the protagonist is a young girl and I love that the whole series questions the relationship between science in religion (which is, of course, the reason that the Catholic church hates it). Having grown up on loads of super-Christian texts (Lord of the Rings, Chronicles of Narnia, Wrinkle In Time, etc.), I'm stoked to see young reader's texts that have a more critical view of religion.

Category: reflections & rants

Tags: hiking losangeles goldencompass darkmaterials pullman

   

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November 30, 2007

vacation was glorious

I'm baaaaack. OMG, it was sooo lovely to relax on the beach with friends. Fiction was read (i *really* loved The Glass Castle), Mayan ruins were visited, fishies were viewed through snorkel gear, food was eaten, and there was a lot of hammocking. Glorious glorious be vacation. And now I'm 30 (and :P to all of you who pointed out that this means I entered my 31st year).

More photos can be found here and here.

We ended up staying at a little house north of Tulum called Casa Rosa. Aside from the decorator's obsession with Pier 1, it was the most glorious place ever. If anyone wants a getaway with a group of friends, I strongly strongly recommend staying at Casa Rosa. I'm sooo going back. Yay for perfect affordable getaway house on the beach.

I strongly recommend against AeroMexico. One of my friends who was supposed to go on the adventure showed up at the airport to find that they had oversold her flight and they didn't promise they'd get her there for the holiday weekend. They wouldn't even check her in. No voluntary giving up of seats - they simply denied her access. Bad AeroMexico - that's totally unacceptable. I will never fly with them as a result. It was complete bullshit and she ended up not being able to get to the vacation at all. Bleh.

The Tulum ruins were pretty, but I really got a kick out of the Chichen Itza ballcourt, although I still don't understand the game that the Mayans were playing. And was it the winners who were sacrificed or the losers?

Category: reflections & rants

Tags: vacation tulum mexico

   

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November 18, 2007

a burfday on da beach

The time has come where I must say goodbye to my 20s. To celebrate the beginning of my 30th year on this earth, I've decided to run away with a few friends and ponder the meaning of life, the universe, and everything. I'm headed to Tulum to play on the beach and wander through the ruins of ancient Mayan civilizations. More importantly, I'm about to embark on 10 days without Internet or email or phone contact. See you in December!

(Pic by zanzibar)

Category: reflections & rants

   

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November 15, 2007

who has a cute new car? me!!!

::giggle:: Guess who came home from the car dealer with a new gadget? A big one with monthly installments and lots of legal paperwork? ::bounce:: Isn't he cute??

Thanks to everyone for your input! You really helped me with my research process and I super appreciate it. I decided to go with a Scion xD because it was the right combination of small, cheap, quirky, practical, and dependable. I feel a little guilty because it's painfully clear that Scion is targeted directly at people like me and I hate ending up fitting into a stereotype, but, well... it is nice to have an iPod jack built in standard and have a design aesthetic meant for hipster 20-30somethings. Plus, I have to admit that I loved the non-sleazyness of the Santa Monica Scion/Toyota people who knew how to handle young people who didn't want to be dicked around. I really am a sucker for non-corporate corporateness.

Now, it's just time to name him. (Somehow, in my world, cars always get boy pronouns... kinda like dogs=male and cats=female.) My first car was an old Saab 900 named Cody after the Kerouac character who was always going somewhere but no one could ever figure out where. My second car, a Hyundai Elantra, was originally Cody Jr. but then got nicknamed Pierre on a roadtrip after it was clear that his horn was awfully nasal-y and French. We also decided that Pierre was gay because he was always getting attacked by mean people who didn't seem to understand him (for example, thieves broke into his trunk one night and took a Cribbage game that was housed in a CD-like case). OK... I'm going to stop there because it's probably clear that I'm feeling a little loopy and some might find my personification of my cars a little strange...

Category: reflections & rants

Tags: cars scion purchase

   

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November 13, 2007

my long lost handwriting

I tried to write a letter this week. As in I tried to pick up a pen and form letters through odd wrist motions rather than click-clicking my expression. I wasn't even going for cursive, but I was going for legibility so I tried to form the letters carefully. My first attempt failed so I grabbed a new piece of paper and tried again. After the second sentence, my wrists hurt and my garbled sentence was barely readable and I wanted to go back and delete one of the words. I gave up. I wrote an email.

At breakfast this morning, I was reading about the costs of teachers' failure to teach penmanship to children. Failure to write often results in reduced math and literacy skills, yet teachers are spending fewer and fewer hours per week teaching penmanship.

I can't help but wonder about this. I did learn how to write and, given the number of diaries I found last week, I wrote plenty... until college. I learned to type in high school and by college, I went completely digital for everything except problem sets. My college diaries were digital and my assignments were typed and printed out. I can't remember the last time that I wrote a letter by hand. The only thing that I know how to do with a pen these days is underline sentences in books, add 20% tips to credit card receipts, and scrawl my illegible signature. Once in a while, I write a few words on a stick-it and post it to my fridge as a reminder of something. But seriously, I don't write.

My handwriting skills have decayed. My ability to communicate without editing has decayed. My patience for creating text at a rate slower than I think has decayed. Typing is fast, handwriting is slow. So is handwriting all that important? Maybe the key is to learn to write while learning to read and then happily forget how to write? Or maybe my brain has turned to all sorts of mush without me even knowing it...

(On a related note, I wonder if Brown still makes students handwrite their college applications? Boy was that a bitch. Then again, I always wondered how many students had their parents do it...)

Category: reflections & rants

Tags: penmanship handwriting

   

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October 27, 2007

shopping, shopping

I'm back in LA. No more traveling, no more conferences. It is now time to sit down and write that dissertation. Of course, that requires getting the ducks lined up. I did 6 months worth of bills yesterday. Today, i started doing some comparison shopping. What I'm realizing is that I'm a bad shopper. I hate choice and I hate making decisions. It's bad enough with clothes (which I don't buy) and it's much worse with gadgets.

My Sidekick is dying. Do I get the new Sidekick or do I switch to a Helio Ocean? Or ?? All I want is a damn good keyboard with a fantabulous interface for AIM and a relatively cheap plan that is data friendly. (Pah to the iPhone.)

I need a new car. Do I go for cute and get a Mini, go for the environment and get a Prius, go for practical and get a Hyundai Accent, Toyota Yaris, or Scion? Or is there something else that I should get if I want: small, fuel efficient, relatively cheap, and sunroof?

How on earth do people make these decisions? I started websurfing and it was like entering an infinite loop of information with opinions in every which direction. I went to the car lots and stores and it was just overwhelming because I don't like when people try to sell stuff to me (tis why I walk out of most clothing stores). How do people make decisions about what to buy? Oh right... friends. Shit. So, yo opinionated/knowledgeable friends: What car should I get? What phone should I get? Help me consume so that I can hibernate in LA and write. Tehehe.

Category: reflections & rants

Tags: advice car phone shopping

   

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October 2, 2007

read those contracts!

Much to my chagrin, most people do not seem to read the contracts that they sign. More horrifyingly, I'm watching as corporate lawyers increasingly introduce clauses that are manipulative at best, legal gag orders more often. I realize that most people don't read click-through agreements, but I would strongly encourage everyone to at least read employment contracts and NDAs, even the ones that look like click-throughs when you show up at a company to visit a friend for lunch.

A few weeks ago, I was asked to be an advisor to a project at a company that I will not name. The company is a large, public, profitable company with hundreds (maybe thousands) of employees, many assets, and way too many lawyers. The project sounded quite interesting so I read the contract. I would be obliged to attend regular meetings (?at my own expense - it wasn't clear?). There would be no cash or stock compensation. Yet, the kicker was this clause:

"In order to protect Company's Proprietary Information, Board Member agrees that Board Member shall not, while serving as a Board Member, perform any consulting or other services substantially similar to the Services for any company whose business or proposed business in any way involves products or services which could reasonably be determined to be competitive with the products or services or proposed products or services of Company. In the event Board Member has any question about whether a particular project would violate this provision, before undertaking the project Board Member shall seek a determination in writing from Company, which shall be binding."

In other words, they want me to work for free and agree to not consult for or advise any other company that is any way competitive with them in any aspect of their business. Given this company's assets, that would basically mean that I could not consult with any company whatsoever. You have got to be kidding me.

So, I wrote them a polite note asking for clarification on this clause. Perhaps they just meant that they didn't want me to do work in any way that would conflict with just that specific project? They told me that I should seek private legal counsel to analyze the contract because they cannot give legal advice. So now they want me to pay a lawyer to interpret a contract so that I can work for free as an advisor while not being able to work for anyone else in the industry? Needless to say, I said no thank you.

My other favorite contract moment came when I was on a panel with Cory (the master of contract rebuttal). The contract was insidious. Amongst many other problems with that contract, they claimed rights over any IP that I would introduce during my talk and made us legally and financially liable for all sorts of things. Needless to say, Cory and I both refused to do the event until they amended the contract. Their response was that no speaker had ever refused that contract before. ::jaw on floor::

We have become an immensely litigious society. As a result, lawyers shove contracts down our throats left right and center. Most people are not trained to interpret these so they are expected to hire lawyers to do so. (Not so bad for the legal profession, eh?) This really upsets me. Are there ways that average people can learn to interpret contracts and push back at them? I've gotten better at it after having read so many of them, but I don't think most people know. I also think it's important that people learn to reject contracts. I reject most NDAs. I won't sign them because they are usually so broad that they put me at risk in every direction. I can't imagine journalists sign them, do they?

I vote that there should be a "stupid contracts" equivalent of Chilling Effects because I think that these contracts are also chilling participation of all sorts.

In the meantime, I'd like to encourage everyone to read those nasty contracts. And stand up for your rights. Don't just sign them. And don't just assume that they won't actually enforce them. That's not a good standard to set. This is particularly critical for academics and others who subsist on freelance work and the intellectual output they produce. And if you're a company, think about the nasty contracts you're imposing on people. Does your legal team need to be that psycho? My hope is that if people start reading and refusing, companies will rethink their policies. But it all starts with reading the damn thing.

Category: reflections & rants

Tags: contracts law policy corporations

   

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September 20, 2007

travel schedule from hell, bright white light at the end

I'm about to embark on what can politely be called the travel month from hell: 12 cities, 3 countries, 13 different talks (with far too little overlap). I can bitch and moan, but there is a beautiful white light at the end of this horrid tunnel: hibernation. That's right, the moment we've all been waiting for... (or at least the one that I have): Starting November 1, I will go into hibernation to write my dissertation. From thenceforth, only personal travel (weddings, burfdays, Xmas), no conferences, only 1 paid gig per month. I've been practicing the word "No" lately and am getting kinda good at it. And I need to be because I think that I will be in hibernation for a good 6-9 months. Crazy, eh?

Thus, this upcoming month of conferencing is bound to be a nice little social hurrah before I disappear into the world of dissertation. As usual, I don't schedule anything during conferences but I'm always hanging around the conference or in the hallways and love adhoc socialization and food outtings. So, if it's your thing, hopefully we can play at any of these public events:

• PICNIC - Sept 25-29, Amsterdam
• MoCollywood - Oct 2, London
• Connecticut Forum - Oct 3, Hartford
• 4S - Oct 11-13, Montreal
• AOIR - Oct 17-20, Vancouver
• ASIST - Oct 21-23, Milwaukee

(Oh, and to pre-empt the question that I'm getting frequently these days and am bound to get at all the academic conferences, the answer is: no, I'm not going on the academic job market this year. I'll explain why a little later.)

Category: reflections & rants

Tags: travel conferences

   

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August 29, 2007

i'm off!

I'm going to the desert. Last minute decision, like always. Gonna do it old skool style: beef jerky, water, and a tent. Be back Tuesday.

(photo by John Curley)

Category: reflections & rants

   

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August 26, 2007

my favorite books

Lately, quite a few folks have written me asking for booklists for this that or the other - course syllabi, lit reviews, summer vacation reading, etc. I decided that I should probably put together a list of my favorite books. I'm sure that there are things that I've forgotten, but this probably paints a decent picture of where I'm coming from. So if this is of any use to you, enjoy!

my favorite books

Full disclosure: I get a small kick-back for the links to Amazon. What I make from Amazon does not even cover the costs of server space for this blog, but it does help, especially since I've chosen to keep this blog ads-free.

Category: reflections & rants

Tags: books

   

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August 22, 2007

Australian Education.AU seminar talks

Earlier this month, I had the great fortune to go to Australia as a seminar speaker for Education.AU. Everyone warned me that it was winter and would be frigid, but to my delight, the weather in Melbourne and Brisbane was not any colder than a San Francisco summer day. I didn't get to see much of Australia (saving the 'roos for next time), but I did have a fantastic time. The people were wonderful, the food was delicious (go Melbourne), and it was just so great to be around so many folks invested in education who were not afraid of technology.

To my delight, there are recordings of my talks available for those of you who couldn't make it. There are lots of recordings cuz there was a LOT of me. In fact, I think I talked continuously for four days... many hours of which are on tape for your viewing/listening pleasure. The general topic was "Generation MySpace" and I was talking about social network sites, education, and learning. I did two keynotes, two sets of questions and answers, two panels, and a fireside chat (on top of lots of press and more 1-1 and small group conversations). Here are links of some of those pieces:

Video:
- Keynote, Day 2, Melbourne

Audio:
- Keynote, Day 1, Brisbane, Part 1
- Keynote, Day 1, Brisbane, Part 2
- Keynote, Day 1, Brisbane, Part 3
- Q&A, Day 1, Brisbane, Part 1
- Q&A, Day 1, Brisbane, Part 2
- Q&A, Day 1, Brisbane, Part 3
- Panel, Day 1, Brisbane, Part 1
- Panel, Day 1, Brisbane, Part 2
- Panel, Day 1, Brisbane, Part 3
- Keynote, Day 2, Melbourne, Part 1
- Keynote, Day 2, Melbourne, Part 2
- Panel, Day 2, Melbourne
- Fireside Chat with Mark Pesce, Day 2, Melbourne

Personally, I liked my Day 2 keynote better (cuz I thought I was funnier) but your mileage may vary.

[More will come when I find all of the links.]

Category: reflections & rants

Tags: education.au talks danah podcast australia

   

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August 13, 2007

memorial for Peter Lyman

In July, my beloved advisor passed away after a long battle with brain cancer. When I posted about his death, I was moved to learn that many of you knew him and loved him so I thought you might want to know about the memorial service that will be held next month in his honor. Please pass this along to anyone else you know who knew and loved Peter. If you are inclined, a fellowship has been set up in his name.

UC BERKELEY MEMORIAL FOR PETER LYMAN TO BE HELD ON SEPT. 11, 2007

A UC Berkeley campus memorial to honor Peter Lyman, former University Librarian and Professor in the Information School, will take place between 5 and 7 pm on Tuesday, September 11, at the Morrison Room in Doe Library.

Peter Lyman died of brain cancer, peacefully and at home, on July 2. Those wanting to honor his memory are invited to contribute to the newly established Peter Lyman Graduate Fellowship in New Media; checks addressed to the UC Berkeley Foundation can be sent to the UC Center for New Media, 390 Wurster Hall, # 1066, Berkeley CA 94720.

Category: reflections & rants

Tags: peterlyman memorial

   

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August 10, 2007

loss of context for me on Facebook

Le sigh. I lost control over my Facebook tonight. Or rather, the context got destroyed. For months, I've been ignoring most friend requests. Tonight, I gave up and accepted most of them. I have been facing the precise dilemma that I write about in my articles: what constitutes a "friend"? Where's the line? For Facebook, I had been only accepting friend requests from people that I went to school with and folks who have socialized at my house. But what about people that I enjoy talking with at conferences? What about people who so kindly read and comment on this blog? What about people I respect? What about people who appreciate my research but whom I have not yet met? I started feeling guilty as people poked me and emailed me to ask why I hadn't accepted their friend request. My personal boundaries didn't matter - my act of ignorance was deemed rude by those that didn't share my social expectations.

I lost control over my MySpace ages ago. I have long since given up responding to private messages on most SNSes. I had to quit LinkedIn after I got lambasted for refusing to forward requests from people that I didn't know to people who are so stretched thin that I am more interested in hugging them than requesting something of them. I don't know how to be "me" on Twitter because I can't figure out how to manage so many different contexts. I find it funny when journalists ask me what SNS I use. I'm on most of the English ones, but they always grow to push me away. Each had an initial context for me, but each one grew and lost that context.

I realize that I'm in an odd position. In some sense, I'm a "public figure"... at least in the world of social network sites. People see my name in the press and they friend request me and it's rude of me to say no. I should be grateful that so many people are so kind to me, offering feedback and ideas, allowing me to get my work out far and wide. And I am truly grateful, but I'm also depressed that I've lost the ability to participate in social network sites as a semi-private person. I do miss the days when I could goof around digitally and not be taken out of context by people who only know me as this strong-headed, confident public voice. Some days, I'm just not that together. Some days, I just want to bitch without being called a bitch. Some days, I just want to talk to people who couldn't give a hoot about social media.

When Facebook became the IT girl for the tech industry, I knew that I'd one day lose it as a space where I talked to my friends from college. I'm going to try out the Limited Profile thing, just to see if I can have at least a partial channel for my college world. If we didn't go to college together, please don't take it personally if you can only see the Limited Profile. That said, I can't even tell what's visible and what's not (lists aren't good for me) so I probably will just refrain from doing much on Facebook, just like I refrain from doing much on MySpace.

They say that social scientists study aspects of human behavior that elude them. I used to giggle at this, but I think I've backed myself into a corner. I'm not so good at managing multiple contexts and, here I am, studying precisely that.

Anyhow, I know folks are still going wheeeeee about Facebook. And I know people generally believe that growth is nothing but candy-coated goodness. And while I hate using myself as an example (cuz I ain't representative), I do feel the need to point out that context management is still unfun, especially for early adopters, just as it has been on every other social network site. It sucks for teens trying to balance mom and friends. It sucks for college students trying to have a social life and not piss off their profs. It sucks for 20-somethings trying to date and balance their boss's presence. And it sucks for me.

I can't help but wonder if Facebook will have the same passionate college user base next school year now that it's the hip adult thing. I don't honestly know. But so far, American social network sites haven't supported multiple social contexts tremendously well. Maybe the limited profile and privacy settings help, but I'm not so sure. Especially when profs are there to hang out with their friends, not just spy on their students. I'm wondering how prepared students are to see their profs' Walls filled with notes from their friends. Hmmm...

Category: reflections & rants

Tags: facebook context

   

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July 22, 2007

Education.AU = me + Australia

For the Aussies out there, I will be making my first trip to Australia in August. I will be offering two seminars as part of Education.au's series. On August 6, I will be in Brisbane and on August 8, I will be in Melbourne. At each seminar, I will be lecturing for at least an hour, answering questions for a while after that, and participating in a panel with youth. There will also be workshops and other activities where I will help those present think through how to leverage what's going on in relation to education, policy, technology, parenting, and social work. They should be pretty in-depth days and I'm looking forward to the opportunity to dive deep on issues related to youth and technology with a group of interested folks.

My understanding is that there is still space available if any of y'all are interested. You just need to register here. I should note that this is not a free event (getting me to Australia isn't exactly cheap), but I think that it will be worth it. Deep dives on these issues usually are. So come! Bring questions! Let's explore these topics together!

(My advance apologies to those in Australia who aren't attending these events. My time is pretty heavily scheduled and so I won't be able to meet up. Press is being handled by the folks at Education.au - feel free to contact them.)

Category: reflections & rants

Tags: speaking event australia

   

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processing Harry Potter

I just finished reading Book 7 and am now back online.

Like many other Harry Potter fans, I've avoided the Internet like the plague since the book leaked two days before the release. I added mail filters to prevent anything related to Harry Potter from reaching my inbox temporarily. I restrained myself from visiting websites that allowed open content and resisted from doing searches. I simply did not want to know the ending.

For the final book launch, I decided to stay in Boston since I knew so many fans that lived there. Besides, I absolutely love the independent Harvard Book Store and figured that the excuse to support them would be just wonderful. It was a good decision because there was so much enthusiasm in Harvard Square. "Harry and the Potters" played Harvard's lawn and thousands of costumed children wandered about. They shut down the streets and there was HP music everywhere. The excitement was just overwhelming. And I couldn't help but repeat over and over again, "all of this is for a book???" The little geeky fangirl in me was having a field day. As we stood smooshed in the crowd to pick up our copies, my friend was astonished by the number of college-aged boys willingly dressed like adolescents. He kept chuckling and repeating things that were being said further back in the line. My favorite? "How many people do you think have hard-ons here?"

Some of my friends were too afraid of spoilers and chose not to go out and celebrate on the eve of the book launch. The mere existence of people who find such joy in ruining others' pleasure irritates me and so I was trying not to explode as friends were texting me with the antics of mean-spirited folks. One friend kept promising me that there was a most insidious place in hell for such folks. The spoiler who took the cake in the reports I got? The asswipe who had the gall to rent a plane and fly it over San Francisco/Berkeley with spoilers.

When I got to the airport on Saturday morning, I was giddy with joy over seeing hundreds of people waiting for planes, their heads all stuck inside the same book. The flight attendant kept asking me, "are you done yet?" and I kept glaring at him. It was clear that the dozens who were enjoying the book on the plane wanted to be left alone to read.

Personally, I had a hard time reading the book. I promised myself that I would read it immediately so that it wouldn't get spoiled. But I wasn't prepared for how much of it would center around Harry's relationship to his mentor. I guess if I thought about it for a second, I would've known that. But I had to put the book down on a number of occasions as Harry worked through different emotional responses. I don't want to spoil anyone's fun by going into more detail than that, but for my friends out there, I feel the need to share that the book was a surprisingly cathartic experience for me. Grief is an odd thing, but thinking about Peter as Dumbledore brought a smile to my mouth alongside tears to my eyes.

Category: reflections & rants

Tags: harrypotter grief fandom

   

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July 2, 2007

RIP Peter Lyman

I had dropped out of grad school and was determined not to go back when my undergrad advisor encouraged me to meet Peter Lyman. I went to Berkeley to meet him only to find out that he had been called away to do jury duty. There was a message for me, telling me to come over for dinner with other grad students. So I arrived at his house, completely uncertain about what I was supposed to do or say. His casual, open, and supportive demeanor made me love him instantaneously and we chatted about all sorts of things. I felt an immediate connection and he encouraged me to apply, even if the deadline had already passed.

After I was accepted, we began plotting. We were always quite good at playing good cop/bad cop and working together to bend whatever rules faced us. We spent long hours talking about everything under the sun, going out for lunch or just sitting in his office grabbing books to debate about. I loved listening to Peter's stories about starting the Free Speech Movement Cafe at Berkeley or talking to telcos in Mexico. Both of us had an activist streak and we loved plotting about how we would change academia or mediated society or whatever.

When Peter was first diagnosed with brain cancer, it was a complete shock. He went into surgery and I took over his class. We were all convinced that everything would get completely better and that optimistic outlook allowed us to plow through the worst of the pain. The surgery was successful, but chemo was a bitch. Even though he got better, the drugs ate at him and we had many painful conversations about how much life had changed because of the cancer. Still, we imagined a world when everything would get better and worked towards that.

Over time, new patterns emerged and we got back to plotting even though the pain never really went away. We talked about youth culture and academic publishing and regulation to suppress youth, albeit in calmer chunks than before. The MacArthur Foundation gave us plenty of room to plot and imagine a different future and we relished the opportunities to cause trouble together.

Four months ago, Peter called with dreadful news: the cancer was back, with a vengeance. Our conversations lost their plotting luster but Peter and I still got together and phone regularly to talk about the meaning of life, the universe, and everything. As things grew worse, our conversations became more stilted, but his first student (Michael Carter) was always there to help Peter share stories. In the midst of all of this, Peter's son Andrew and his wife gave birth to twin boys. Just the mere mention of the babies would put a smile to Peter's face and a great deal of life revolved around those kids. But the cancer continued to do its damage and slowly, Peter faded away in the comfort of his home and with the loving support of his family. This morning, he left this earth.

Few students that I know have close relationships with their advisor. I was very fortunate in that way. Peter and I were always friends first, mentor/mentee second. Yet, he was always there to guide me through the perils of academic life. I wish that I could capture all of our conversations in a bottle. What I remember most is how much they always energized and motivated me to continue trying to change the world. I couldn't have asked for more out of an advisor. He always knew who I should talk to or what I should read or how to make me think about a problem from a new direction. And no matter how crotchety I got in the field, he always gave me hope that change could happen.

I am going to miss him dreadfully. Peter was an amazing friend and an amazing advisor. I couldn't have asked for anything more. May he rest in peace.

Category: reflections & rants

Tags: peterlyman

   

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July 1, 2007

on (pseudo) holiday July 1-14

I will be on (pseudo) holiday in Israel from July 1-14. I will occasionally check email, but do not expect a response. I will be handling issues related to the JCMC special issue and I will be working on that while in Israel (which is the pseudo part of the pseudo holiday), but everything else will wait. Ciao!

Category: reflections & rants

   

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June 27, 2007

Dear esteemed members of the press,

Dear esteemed members of the press,

I am in the field collecting data and then will be attending a conference. I am not able to respond right now. Do not call my house phone. Do not pester my department. And do *NOT* hound my subletter. All press inquiries should be sent to press [at] danah.org. When I can, I respond. When I can't, I don't. Do not use other email addresses - I check the press one from my phone and answer them in order when I have spare cycles. Other requests are typically ignored.

The BBC coverage of my blog essay is hugely problematic. If you want to discuss what I've written, please read the essay itself. This is not a formal report. This is a blog essay based on observations from the field. And this is not a 6-month study; it is a 4-year study with a tide shift that I've noticed in the last 6 months. Again, read the essay. At some point, I will turn this into a formal article, but this is not that. Cover it as you see fit, but do not call it a report.

Thank you,
THE MANAGEMENT

Category: reflections & rants

   

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June 25, 2007

woah.... omg. reflections on mega-viewership

Wow. ::jaw on floor:: When I posted my article last night, I sent it to some friends and academic lists figuring that it would stir a conversation. I figured that some usual suspects would read it and offer valuable critiques. I was not expected Slashdot, Digg, Metafilter, del.icio.us/popular, Reddit, and other aggregators to pick it up.

Meme flow on the web intrigues me. When I post a well-thought out, well-written analysis, I get a few thousands hits and maybe a BoingBoing mention. So far, I've received 90K hits for this latest piece, the most problematic of essays I've ever shared publicly. Figures.

I know that there are problems in that essay (and I tried to caveat and caveat away till I annoyed myself). So I am not surprised that folks are up in arms about all sorts of things. Still, the response is fascinating. I guess there's nothing like something problematic to get a conversation started, eh?

I can't decide if the response is good or bad. I'm clearly getting raked through the coals by lots of folks from lots of different perspectives. I actually find this quite constructive and helpful. I'm getting a lot of feedback from teens, parents, teachers, youth ministers, and other non-tech audiences which is extremely thought provoking. The feedback varies tremendously in tone and content. Some folks are saying I'm completely right; some are telling me I'm dead wrong. The latter clearly gives me an opportunity to follow up with folks that I'm not representing well and I hope that it'll be a chance to learn what I'm missing.

I think some folks misinterpreted this piece as an academic article. No doubt this is based on my observations from the field, but this is by no means an academic article. I did add some methodological footnotes in the piece so that folks would at least know where the data was coming from. But I didn't situate or theorize or contextualize this at all. It's more like publicizing field observations. There's much work to be done before this can be anything resembling an academic article. The "citation" note at the top of my pieces also confuses this. That was meant for when people picked it up and stole it whole from my page or when people got to it indirectly. I put that as a standard for my blog essays a while back because of this issue. I guess I see my blog as a space to work out half-formed ideas. I just didn't expect 90K people to read it. Blog essays to me are thoughts in progress, blog entries that are too long to be blog entries. But I can see where there's confusion.

I also clearly pissed off the academics by inappropriately appropriating academic terms in an attempt to demarcate groups. I intentionally picked two that have a political valence meant to hit at some of the crunchiness; I went back and forth with terms and decided to repurpose academic ones since they work as better metaphors than most everyday terms that I could think of. For example, I hate how poorer populations or marginalized populations are always framed as powerless so I appropriated an academic term ("subaltern") that comes from post-colonial studies when work was done to give power to the voices of subaltern soldiers in India. Still, I want better terms and am hoping someone has suggestions.

I'm still wading through the responses. I'm still floored by the responses. I've been in the air and offline all day so I haven't had a chance to go through everything. But in the next few days I will and I will respond. And I *really* appreciate the feedback and critique. I think some good can come out of this unbelievable feedback.

I also need to get my head around the fact that sharing something problematic has sparked more of a conversation and reflection than being precise. In some senses, this bothers me. At the same time, inciting people to think is exactly what I want. So I am feeling very bewildered. Is the way to make change to present something problematic so that people have to engage by disagreeing? Hmm..

More soon...

Category: reflections & rants

   

Posted by zephoria at 6:35 PM | Comments (65) | TrackBack (0)

June 23, 2007

"Sicko", Barack, and Danny Pearl

The last two days have been a complete trip. I woke up yesterday expecting to drive to Hartford to prep for my speech when i realized that New York was two hours from Hartford (or so i thought because i forgot about traffic) so i decided to "swing by" New York to see the premier of Michael Moore's new film "Sicko." I had watched a bunch of it online but i really wanted to see it live with people and i'm *so* glad i did. I made it to Manhattan in time to catch the 7:45 showing. Little did i know, Michael Moore was in the audience seeing how people would react. The women behind me "uh huhed" and "oh yeahed" and "you go girled" the whole way through - i think they approved. The audience loved it. I loved it. "Sicko" is hands down Michael Moore's best film to date and i strongly encourage everyone to get out there and see it next weekend for opening. For those who don't know how the film industry works, opening weekend means the world. How many tickets are sold that weekend dictate how long the film can be in the theaters. So if you watched it online, just buy a ticket for next weekend to show solidarity and support. It's critical that this film get seen far and wide in the US, or at least far enough for folks to make a stink.

Personally, this film is very important to me. As many of you know, i broke my neck when i was 16 in a freak accident. I didn't have health insurance. It cost $88K. That debt still haunts me. I wasn't able to get the right physical therapy because of money. My neck still causes me problems on a daily basis. I'm not eligible for independent health insurance and my fear of being uninsured makes me panic about a post-grad school future. I have often wondered who i would marry to get insured. There is no one to blame but when i had my accident, everyone told me to sue the school because of the medical costs. I couldn't justify this in my own conscience. It kills me that every accident requires someone to blame or else you aren't covered. I don't want to live in that kind of a society.

Luckily, i think that there's a health care theme going on in discourse these days. This morning, i had the great fortune of hearing Barack Obama speak at the United Church of Christ's Synod in Hartford (where i had the honor of speaking about why youth are using social network sites). It was truly inspiring to see Barack speak in person and he got a standing ovation when he announced that he would sign a universal health care plan into existence in his first four years should he be elected. He really energized the audience and it made me smile to see so much optimism (without the pure politicking) in a candidate.

After yapping with folks all day, i realized i needed to zone out or i was going to completely lose it so i went to see A Mighty Heart. I can't say the movie was brilliant, but it was good to see Angelina connect her politics to her films and the story of Danny Pearl is just heartwrenching.

Oh and while i'm being all daily life documentary here, apologies for the low blogging levels lately... i've been running around more chaotically than normal (even for me). I gave up this month and subletted my apartment. I will be traveling at near continuous levels between now and November 1. On the plus side, starting in November, i will be locking myself in my apartment (no conferences, no talks, no consulting) to write. The light at the end of the tunnel is starting to appear and i can't tell you how excited i am to begin writing the dissertation/book. I suspect to be gone from public life between November and June but i also suspect that i will be blogging more (as being locked up in my apartment tends to encourage that). But i will give you more updates on that as things progress. I hope everyone is well!

Oh, and go see Sicko!!! Pretty please!

Category: reflections & rants

Tags: sicko barackobama health insurance

   

Posted by zephoria at 9:39 PM | Comments (14) | TrackBack (0)

May 16, 2007

Cannes Film Festival

That ridiculous picture to the left is me walking the stairs at the Cannes Film Festival. ::giggle:: I came to Cannes to give a keynote about youth and their engagement with film and new media. In return, i got tickets to the opening night of the festival, including a short by David Lynch and the premier of My Blueberry Nights (a Kar Wai Wong film starring Jude Law and Norah Jones and Natalie Portman and others). So i had to get all dressed up and walk the red carpet. Thank goodness for the SF designer Miranda Caroligne being so kind as to make me a dress for the adventure. It was walking remix! Totally purrrfect!

Following the premier, i got to go schmooze at dinner with a bunch of folks that i'm sure i'm supposed to know but am dreadful at recognizing. I'm currently back in my hotel giving my feet a rest before running off to a post-party party (sponsored by Louis Vuitton of all people). This whole thing is quite absurd. The glitz, the glam, the gawkers. I feel *way* out of place, but it's a fascinating ethnographic adventure. Still, no one can believe that i don't know who this that or the other person is. Doo dee doo.

More later... just thought folks (like my mom) would enjoy the pics!

Category: reflections & rants

Tags: cannes

   

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May 8, 2007

dysfunctional product design: Apple MagSafe Airline Adapter

I bought a new Macbook and ordered the Apple MagSafe Airline Adapter with it since none of my other airline plugs would work. When i opened it, i was horrified to see that it was a two-part thing: the cord and the cigarette plug part. I knew this was going to be a disaster. Sure enough, FIRST flight, the damn cigarette part gets stuck in the power plug on the plane and i have to leave it behind. I grumble the whole way off the plane about dysfunctional design. Who thinks it wise to make such a thing two-part when the entire structure of a cigarette lighter is to get stuck? ::grumble::

So i call Apple. They don't know what i'm talking about when i talk about the airline power adapter, let alone the two parts. (They of course don't sell a replacement head on the website.) I send them to their own product page. They promise to send me a new one. I get a regular power adapter in the mail (not the airplane one). I call them back and we go through rounds and rounds. After 25 minutes, i have to hang up to go to a meeting. I call them back a third time and we had to start completely over. Once again, the guy doesn't know what i'm talking about. On hold, talking to manager, on hold. Just another minute. 15 minutes go by. 45 minutes later i'm livid and he asks me to hold again and the guy tells me that's not covered under my warantee and i want to bite his head off. I tell him that it's a poorly designed product destined to fail. He tells me no one has ever had this problem before. I tell him to read the blogs and the frequent flyer bulletin boards where there's lots of bitching. He tells me he can't do anything for me but he will tell his manager about the blogs. I ask him if i can just order just the head of the damn thing and finally, he tells me that's possible but not through the site and i'm like i don't care, just send it.

I realize that i'm just whining but i need to vent (and isn't that what blogs are for?). I live on airplanes. 20,000+ miles this month. I _need_ my power adapters to work or i go batty, stressed because i can't get work done. And my least favorite part of this "modern" world is having to call tech support for anything. They increase the likelihood of me getting a blood clot or ulcer by a very large percentage. Plus, it gives me unbelievable amounts of pain to watch humans become robots taught to follow scripts infinitely. Tech support structures seem stricter than even the military. And i want to be nice to them because it seems like a sucky job, but boy do they get my blood boiling. Must go do yoga. In the meantime, i ordered an extra battery and an extra airline adapter, all the meanwhile feeling cranky about how their fuckup is making me by more product rather than less.

Category: reflections & rants

Tags: techsupport apple airplanes

   

Posted by zephoria at 12:47 PM | Comments (6) | TrackBack (0)

May 7, 2007

social network sites: public, private, or what?

Over at Knowledge Tree is a recent essay i wrote called Social Network Sites: Public, Private, or What? For many who follow this blog, the arguments are not new, but i suspect some folks might appreciate the consolidated and not-so-spastic version. At the very least, perhaps you'll be humored to see my writing splattered with the letter 's' instead of the letter 'z' (it's an Australian e-journal). There's also an MP3 of me reading the essay for those who fear text (which is very novel since y'all know how much i fear audio/video recordings of me, but i did resist trying to sound funny while pronouncing the letter s instead of the letter z). And here's a PDF of the essay for those who wishing to kill trees.

In conjunction with this essay, there's a life chat at 2PM Australian Eastern on 22 May. This translates to 9PM PST on 21 May and midnight New York time (which is where i'll be so hopefully i won't be too loopy, or at least no more loopy than i am feeling right now).

Enjoy!

Category: reflections & rants

Tags: public private youth myspace academia essay

   

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April 6, 2007

5 secrets to success

I still hate memes, but i love Nancy. And i wasn't going to do this because there's nothing i hate more than talking about what has made me successful (mostly because i hate admitting that i'm successful). But i've also been spending a lot of time lately mulling over questions from undergraduates asking how they can be me and worrying about elder academics who tell me that i don't deserve the attention that i get.

In some senses they're right. There are people doing *amazing* work who get so little credit for it because it's not chic. At the same time, i work my ass off and do so because i believe that i can make a difference in this world. I've always struggled with Audre Lorde's statement that "the master's tools will never dismantle the master's house" because i'm not so sure that dismissing the master's tools dismantles the house either. In doing activist work, i started to believe that you need people at different levels - some inside the system and some out. At V-Day, we realized that celebrities could do wonders in making change happen. I decided long ago that the way that i could change the world was to be as public as possible and to make connections to people doing work at all levels (grassroots, policy, research, money). I believe that knowledge is power and i believe that teaching is the path to change. Regardless of my title, i see myself as a teacher. I'm trying to teach people about people who aren't like them. I'm trying to teach people tolerance and information that they can use to make right by people with less privilege. In doing so, i inevitably piss off a lot of people who believe that i don't deserve the access/privileges/connections/power that i have. What is most disheartening is how many of those pissed off people are fellow academics who feel the need to maintain some invisible hierarchy that i don't understand. No matter how many times i've been proven wrong, in my heart, i want to believe that academia is fundamentally about knowledge production and dissemination. And i'd rather run around the world trying to help people than play the games that would make me a good academic.

Of course, i should note that this doesn't always mean that i'm successful or that i don't make mistakes. I still cringe when press attribute ideas to me that are most definitely not mine. (Impression management is Goffman, not me. I didn't invent internet anthropology. Hell, i'm not even an anthropologist. Etc.) A lot of what i bring to the table involves learning from others and apophenia - making connections where none previously existed.

Given this, i'll offer 5 "secrets" to my success (and try to stop ::cringing::)...

1. "Demo or die." This was the mantra at the Media Lab and i absolutely detested the process of having to demo Lab work to every visitor who entered the building. It was exhausting and repetitive. Looking back, i can't tell you how much this changed my world. Through the Lab, i learned to be able to present anything on the fly to any audience. I learned how to squeeze a 30 minute talk into 5 minutes and build on a 5 minute talk to fill an hour with useful information. I learned how to read what people knew and adjust what i was showing them to their interests and level of knowledge. Speaking and expressing ideas to a wide variety of audiences is so important. And it takes practice. A lot of practice. You can't just hide in a library cubicle for years and then expect to give a stellar job talk. The reason that i speak so often is that i think that i need the practice. I want to learn to get my point across. Sometimes, i fail, but i keep trying.

(This also applies to writing. Be able to write to any audience. Learn to write an op-ed, a persuasive blog post, an academic article, anything and everything! I detest writing; that's why i started blogging my ideas. Practice practice practice.)

2. "Learn the rules. And then learn how to break them." I was a punk kid who refused to follow by anyone's rules. I got kicked out of everywhere. I thought that this was radical. When i was in high school, my mother explained that one of her best skills was telling people to fuck off and go to hell in a ladylike way so that they didn't even know how to respond. Over the years, i realized that there is immense power in understanding the rules and norms and tweaking them to meet your goals. Rejecting society is fun as a kid; figuring out how to circumnavigate barriers to entry is more fun as an adult. Do it with grace, kindness, and sincerity. (I fear that explicitly stating examples of this here might get me into trouble.)

3. "Diversify your life." The term diversity is so loaded it's painful, but i can't think of a better word to explain what i want to explain. Get to know people from every walk of life. Read books from every discipline. Read different blogs. Attend conferences that address the same issue from a ton of different perspectives. And when you attend those conferences, spend 50% of the time with people you know well and 50% of the time with people that you barely know. One of the best decisions i made at SXSW this year was to not flit around but to hang out with one small group per night and really bond. I hate the concept of "social networking" because it seems so skeevy. The idea isn't to build a big rolodex, but to build meaningful relationships that exist on multiple levels - professional, personal, etc. The more people and ideas you encounter, the more creative you'll be able to be and the more that you'll be able to contribute to a conversation on top of the things that you know deeply through your own work.

4. "Make mistakes. Publicly. With lots of witnesses. Apologize. And learn." It's easy to hide from mistakes and it's natural to try to keep them under wraps. I think that there's a lot of value to making mistakes publicly. First, that means that you're willing to try new things out. Second, it means that you're going to be forced to learn from those mistakes fast. My blog is filled with hypotheses that are wrong, ideas that are half-baked. I say stupid things. People call me on it and i'm learn from that. I get super frustrated when people are not willing to put things out there until they are just perfect. The fact is that once something is in public, it will be critiqued and challenged no matter how fully baked you think it is. This is true for software and it's true for ideas. The bugs are found through interaction. I understand why academics love to control and perfect things before they go out there, but often, it's too late. Don't avoid the press - the stupid questions that they will ask will make you think more than any challenging question your advisor can punt your way. And yes, they will misquote you no matter how much you try. But then you get to read the blogs and see others critique your misquoted half-baked explanation and you can learn from it. It's better to fumble in public than to stay in your house any day. The trick is to pick yourself up, try to correct any misunderstandings, and use it to learn.

5. "I'm insane. It's not all fun and games. Success != happiness." Folks assume that being successful is all wonderful, just like they imagine that being a celebrity would be ideal. It's a Friday night. I'm writing this blog entry to take a break from an essay that's overdue. I don't take weekends. I barely date. I don't have children. My business class seats are because i spend more time in airports than sleeping in my own bed. Getting out of bed is as hard as getting my cat into her car carrier. It looks good on Flickr because no matter how crap the day's been, i know that i'm supposed to put on a smiley face when i write on this blog, send a Twitter, or get on stage. Every day, i wake to emails that are meant to make me feel guilty about not helping this that or the other person. For all that i do, i'm always told that it's not enough. And the more public i become, the more people tear me to pieces. I become the target of people's anger, like the poor father whose son committed suicide and blamed me. That shit hurts like hell.

I don't regret what i do but it's not all fun and games. But i glow for weeks when a mother comes up to me to thank me and tell me that she'll stop being so hard on her daughter. If you want to change the world, if you want to be in the public eye, you have to be prepared for the costs that it will have on your personal life and sanity. I have to admit that every 6 months, i want to quit it all and go have a normal life with a 9-5 job and a significant other and a social life and a baby. But there's something in me that won't let me do that... Maybe i'm running from my self, but hopefully it's just that i would prefer to live my life trying to make grandiose change than live a simple life. Of course, i strongly believe that the latter would make more "happy" but, somehow, happiness is not enough for me. I'm far too invested in succeeding to make the world right to find serenity. For better or worse.

Category: reflections & rants

Tags: success

   

Posted by zephoria at 8:35 PM | Comments (19) | TrackBack (0)

February 6, 2007

disclosure statement

Somehow, i saw David Weinberger's Disclosure Statement this week. He's had this up for a while but somehow, i never noticed. Anyhow, i think it (and he) is brilliant and i decided to copy him so that it is very clear who i work for, how i make money and what other biases affect my blog. So, cribbed heavily from David, here's My Disclosure Statement.

Category: reflections & rants

   

Posted by zephoria at 5:57 PM | Comments (6) | TrackBack (0)

February 2, 2007

i can see

I've had glasses for as long as i can remember. As a kid, i hated them and begged for contacts. I stubbornly wore contacts for years even though they were irritating and i always fell asleep with them in. I did so because my coke bottle glasses were embarassing. In college, contacts became impossible because i never slept and spent too much time staring at computer screens. Luckily, i found out that i could spend an obscene amount of money and get relatively thin and cool glasses across the street from the computer lab. While visiting San Francisco a few years later, i found the best eye glasses guy ever. At a store on the west side of Castro by 19th, there's this gay guy (a proper bear who wore leather the first time i saw him). When i walked in, i told him i was looking for new glasses. He looked at me and then grabbed a pair and shoved them at me with, "here. these." I asked if i could look around and he made it very clear that this was not the right question. He was right - the glasses were perfect; I bought them. A few years later i bought another pair from him. They too were perfect. But due to my prescription, they were over $900 each.

I first heard about Lasik when i was in high school and i begged and pleaded with my mom to get the surgery. When she was sick of hearing me beg, she got the eye doctor to explain that it was not a procedure for minors and that my eyes needed to stabilize. I thought about it again a few years later, but my lack of income made it an impossible endeavor. Besides, what if something went wrong?

Over the last few years, i've heard people ramble on and on about Lasik. I started to realize that most of my friends had had it done. And they loved it. My friend Case started sending me del.icio.us links of everything i needed to know. He raved about his doctor and told me to call him. I actually did call him, but then a set of personal problems made me not follow up. As i was leaving San Francisco, i thought about again but i just didn't have the nerve to call.

Moving to Los Angeles made the desire to fix this problem grow ever more strong. Perhaps the ever-present plastic surgery ads played into it, but more than anything, it was living five blocks from the beach and hating my glasses whenever i went to the beach. To top it off, the film on my glasses started flaking in December, meaning that new glasses were going to be necessary very soon. I started asking people if they had any recommendations in LA. I figure that LA, land of all things plastic surgery, had to be an ideal place to get Lasik done. Very few people knew of any good surgeons here but one name did emerge - a Dr. Robert Maloney. He was considered to be the best - he fixed other doctors' fuckups, did way too many famous people, and had done a bazillion of these things. He got to do all of the FDA trial stuff and that ABC show Extreme Makeover used him as the eye doctor. He was extremely expensive and located in Beverly Hills - terribly surface-level indicators but, honestly, i wanted someone who would be good given how bad my vision is.

Shortly before 6PM on Tuesday night, i decided to just call and see if i could get an appointment, just to see... The guy on the phone asked me which month. I said now? He said that he actually had a cancellation for tomorrow (Wednesday) at 2PM. I said perfect. I went down to the clinic. It's poshy-poshy and no one working there has glasses. On the waiting table are these huge binders - Dr. Maloney's CV. Harvard, Oxford, UCSF, award this award that, etc. I go through a bazillion tests. The first set are obvious - damn do i have bad vision. -10.0. That's at the upper scale of what they are even willing to consider, but there are alternatives to Lasik. More tests. No glaucoma, no indications of macular degeneration, tear ducts work, average pupils, etc. Then, there's the cornea thickness test - this is the one that really matters because they have to shave this off. Surprisingly, i have super thick cornea making it very easy to do the correction even with my atrocious vision. After going through all of the nurses and doctors (who are all amazingly nice and willing to humor all of my strange questions), i meet Maloney. It takes me two seconds to realize that he's arrogant as hell (with Hollywood niceness coated on top). Perfect. I have to admit that i like arrogant doctors when it comes to this kind of stuff. He needs to be absolutely convinced that he couldn't possibly mess it up. And he was. His success rate was astounding - there was no reason to think that i'd be the first person he'd leave blind after 40,000 of these damn things.

I decided to do it. Again, they asked me when i wanted the surgery. They typically have availability a week after consultations but i look at my calendar and realize that i have a million things scheduled next week and if anything went wrong, it wouldn't be pretty. I asked her if there was anything tomorrow (Thursday). She looked at me startled and said she doubted it, but when she went to that date in the monitor, there was indeed one opening - 1.30PM, Thursday, February 1. I said i'd take it. They asked if i wanted the all laser version (Lasik Wavefront with Interlace) or the one that involved the blade (Lasik Wavefront only). I don't think they put it that curtly but that's what my head translated it to. I didn't care that the all-laser option was an extra $800 - the idea of blades made my eyes try to jump out of my skull.

I left the office. And then i panicked. Did it make sense to do this so rash? It was a lot of money (or rather, a lot of credit card debt). Who would take me to the doctor's? And then it dawned on me that Ronen was in San Deigo this week. Ronen, a dear old friend of mine, is somehow associated with all of my medical crises in my head because he's picked me up and taken care of me far too many times. I called him and without asking, he asked if i needed company. And i wimpered, pleeeease. And he changed around his plans to find a rental car to come up and take me to the doctor's and calm me down and spend all day with me.

I went into the doctor's. They gave me three valium to calm my nerves. They did absolutely nothing but i pretended to be calmed. They put all sorts of drops in me. I laid back. Pressure - they put this thing on my eye so that it couldn't move. Stare into the light (even when i couldn't see the light). Laser round one - making the flap. Then the other eye got it's flap opened. Eyes closed. Swivel to new machine. Weird tape to keep my eyes open. Stare into the light. Laser round two - reshaping the cornea. And then all of these weird brushes and a liquid and an air vacuum. Repeat on next eye. Keep eyes closed for a moment. Look up - see the clock? Holy shit.

Ronen drove me home with my eyes closed (while i was wearing these cool Burning Man-esque goggles). We cheated and stopped for B&J's milkshakes. Took the ambien, slept for four hours. Woke up and could see, dropped meds in my eyes. Things were still quite blurry though. Had dinner, dropped more meds in my eyes. Listened to the Daily Show. Went to sleep, woke up and rolled over and could see my alarm clock. Holy shit. Drove myself back to the doctor's for a check up (where they also fixed the itchy thing which turned out to be extra flap ness). Drove home, bought sunglasses.

The folks at the Maloney Vision Institute were unbelievably professional and reassuring (their routines during surgery were fascinating to listen to - amazingly precise). I was also a sucker for all of the little unnecessary but make you feel good things - they paid for parking, i got a little leather bag with all the meds pre-packaged and they gave me a prescript to go through Heathrow, there was coffee and tea (and valium and ambien). The clinic smelled good. They had soft fancy chairs. And the combination of down-to-earth nurses and doctors and an arrogant surgeon (who was still amazingly nice) really worked for me. Even though i was terrified, i was confident that this was the right place to be doing this.

Things are still slightly blurry, but not really that bad. My vision also seems to go in and out between 20/20 and 20/40. I'm told this should last for a little while, mostly because of the magnitude of the change. Stabilization should be in three months or so. The crazy red blobs on the side of my eyes should last two weeks. The dryness should go away (but it's not actually that bad now). I'll probably get some fun halos at night (again, due to the terribleness of my vision). But HOLY SHIT. I don't have glasses anymore. ::jaw on floor::

Category: reflections & rants

   

Posted by zephoria at 12:12 PM | Comments (26) | TrackBack (0)

January 22, 2007

absence

I just wanted to apologize for being absent for the past few weeks and apologize that i will continue to be absent for a bit. I'm in the height of intense data collection and my brain hurts.

Category: reflections & rants

   

Posted by zephoria at 10:47 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)

December 28, 2006

end of the year top five

After six weeks of sleeping in hotel rooms and beds/couches of friends/family/kind strangers, i can't tell you how good it feels to be home. I crawled into my bed last night with utter joy, ecstatic to see my kitten cat and to sleep below familiar sheets. I awoke to a perfectly normal Los Angeles morning: sunny. I did yoga, played Scrabble over brunch, and sat in traffic. I can't tell you how good it feels to be home and to know that i'll be on the ground for at least a week if not more. Of course, sadly, this means catch-up. Whenever i come home, i hibernate because i have so much to do that didn't get done while traveling. Like bills. And doctor's appointments. And way overdue deadlines. Still, what makes me most excited is that i'm going to be home for New Year's Eve. I get giddy thinking about "ringing in the new year" in my pajamas in my own apartment (note: i hate partying on the nights that everyone else in the world parties).

What fascinates me most about New Year's Eve is the rituals that surround it. For as far as i can remember, there have always been New Year's Resolutions (and they usually amount to: eat less, exercise more). A little bit of surfing tells me that such ritualized resolution making is rather ancient.. or at least as old as the Roman god Janus (the god of beginnings and endings). While resolutions are purportedly individualistic in nature, the collective construction of such a ritual makes it a fundamentally social process. Often spoke aloud, resolutions become performative acts - articulated views of a better self that we promise to ourselves in the witness of others in the hopes that we can actually stick to our resolution this year. (Of course, no one actually remembers what anyone else committed to and few fulfill their promises, but still..)

While such a resolution ritual makes sense to me as a sort of annual cleansing for self improvement, what boggles my mind is another set of end-of-year practices: the lists. There are best-ofs and top 10s and [blank] of-the-year lists everywhere. What is it about humans that makes us want to end the year by making lists that demarcate time in a meaningful memory-making way? And what is it about me that loathes these lists with a passion?

Of course, lists are not just an end-of-the-year thing. Every day i login to MySpace and read Top 10 posts on bulletin boards and comments brought to you by teenagers wanting to engage their friends and entertain themselves. These memes aren't that different than the chain letters we all used to get via email before the September that never ended. (Y'know - list ten embarassing moments and pass it on to 5 friends within the hour or your mom will die.) The weird thing is that something collided this December. All over the "adult" "tech" (or whatever bullshit label for supposedly mature techno-savvy) blogosphere, people are listing five things that others don't know about them and "tagging" five other bloggers to do the same. So far, i've seen myself tagged at least six times.

How on earth did this meme propogate amongst this audience? Is it because bloggers are feeling the need to signal their blogger-ness since YOU are Time's "person of the year"? In other words, are bloggers feeling as though their individuality has gotten lost in the mass adoption of the practice and feeling the need to make sure people see them at their most unique? Is it because of the natural tendency to make lists as the New Year approaches? Or, god forbid, are bloggers facing the same posting burn-out/feeling of loneliness/attention seeking desires that motivate teens to regularly post such things? I don't know what has made this meme stick but i have to admit that i'm completely boggled. And feeling guilty. Because i hate these things. I hate them as ice breakers, i hate them as props for first dates, i hate them as faux attempts to signal intimacy to a bunch of strangers. Sam i am.

Here's another issue.... Who are YOU? If i'm supposed to list five things that you don't know about me and i don't know who you are, then how do i know that you don't know it? I mean, some of you probably don't even know the most basic facts about me. For example, i'm female. This might seem obvious to most of you but i still get regular messages from people that say, "Mr. Boyd - I've read your blog and...." Over the holidays, i learned that my mom reads this blog; i bet she could say many embarassing things about me that you don't know (and that i have conveniently forgotten) but there's not a lot that i could say that she wouldn't know. Or at least not a lot that i would say in polite company. Doo dee doo.

But maybe i should stop being such a philosophical grinch and give you five funny things about me. Cuz we all know that's why people read these lists anyhow. So here's my attempt at weird danah-isms that might bring a smile to list-loving folks out there, even if they aren't all that secretive:

• I won $1500 in a beauty contest in high school. I entered on a dare (thanks Cole). My talent was an acted out rendition of "Who's On First" and i sewed together half of a baseball uniform and half of a suit so that i could move between the two different characters visually. It was the first (and only) time i ever wore heals in public and i fell off the stage. When the judges asked what music was in my car and what that signaled about who i am, i offered a poetic justification of Grateful Dead and Ani DiFranco (while others tried to bullshit their way through a love of Vivaldi). My friends gave me black roses.
• I got reprimanded by librarians in elementary school for reading "inappropriate" material ("Flowers in the Attic" by VC Andrews). That night, i sped read through the rest of the book to find out what was inappropriate. The next day in school, i read aloud the section about the brother and sister having sex with one another; i was kicked out of the library. Much to the dismay of nearly everyone, i still have an allergic reaction to libraries and have worked actively to avoid them whenever possible even though i have utmost respect for librarians. There has been one exception: every winter in college, i ran naked through the library giving out donuts.
• I worked as a "bodyguard" for Jane Fonda and Sally Field in Juarez, Mexico when V-Day was protesting the disappearance (and brutal rape/murder) of hundreds of young female factory workers. As cute young girls, we were to surround the stars in case anyone attacked them; the big "real" bodyguards were on the edges and we were to alert them of any trouble. (They were not nearby because that would ruin appearances.) We got attacked by a masked man and i had to throw my body on Sally Field.
• I am a junkfoodaholic - the more fake, the better (much to the horror of all of my "cultured" friends). Easy Cheese, Ho-Hos, Snickers, Fruit Roll-ups, Double Stuff Oreos, Pop Tarts, mmm.....
• I got rejected from entering a church as a youngster for wearing inappropriate clothing (notice misbehavior theme...). I was feeling feisty so i got into a debate with the pastor. He told me that i was not respecting God or his place of worship. I explained that God made me naked and i would happily strip and greet him in the flesh. Needless to say, this didn't go over well and i was not welcomed inside.

While i'm willing to be guilted into saying things about myself, i'm not going to pass on the guilt - pyramid schemes ("memes") make me squirm. That said, i welcome anyone reading this who managed to crack a smile to self-expose and add a link to your blog in the comments. This meme is undoubtedly entertaining for the social voyeur in all of us.

Category: reflections & rants

Tags: top5

   

Posted by zephoria at 7:10 PM | Comments (18) | TrackBack (0)

December 6, 2006

offline Dec 7-10

I'm going offline for a few days. I will be on vacation (or what normal people might call taking a long weekend) before appearing at Le Web 3 in Paris. I'll be back online (but conferencing) starting Monday. See you on the other side!

PS: I'll bring werewolf cards to Europe. If anyone calls a game, i'll happily moderate.

Category: reflections & rants

   

Posted by zephoria at 9:46 PM | Comments (5) | TrackBack (0)

November 30, 2006

how do hotels work?

Sitting in a hotel last night, i started wondering... They have all these signs that say that for environmental reasons, they won't wash your towel unless you ask. But does it really matter that much? I probably don't want to know how frequently they wash the bedspread, but i assume that they wash the sheets after each person. I wonder how long people stay in a hotel continuously on average; i'm doing an amazing job of 1 night here and 1 night there.

Back to washing.. do they wash the towels that are still folded? Do they wash the robe if it's still on the hanger? What about the little bathroom supplies? If you unwrapped the soap and used it, they clearly don't give it to someone else. But where does it go? Trash? (I personally took the rest of my soap from last night because it was far nicer than the cheap stuff i have at home and i figured they weren't going to reuse my used soap.) What happens to stuff as it ages? Do they throw away less-than-perfect bedspreads? Or what about the furniture as it rips? (I'm thinking fantsy schmantzy hotels here not Motel 8 which doesn't care about the rips.)

For all the time that i spend in hotels, i realize that i have no idea how they work...

Category: reflections & rants

Tags: hotel

   

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November 20, 2006

restructuring my life

Remember me flipping out a few weeks back? I decided i should listen to some of you and try to put some structure into my life. Thankfully, some fantastic people decided to help me out. I want to take a moment to announce some of the changes that will (hopefully) make it possible for me to be more productive and more engaged (and ideally more active here).

First, i went and gots me an agent who thinks i talk real goot. ::blush:: Thanks to Wes Neff at Leigh Bureau, i will again be available for professional speaking gigs. I'm looking forward to the opportunity to engage with people from a variety of different industries about the significance of social media. (Plus, the fangirl in me can't believe that i'm on the same bureau as Malcolm Gladwell. ::drool::)

Second, Jonathan Aronson over at the Annenberg Center has agreed with most of you that i desperately need a research assistant/admin to help me manage what i'm doing. Together, we're looking for a USC undergraduate who thinks this social media stuff is kinda cool and wants to get paid to help out. (If you know any, let me know!)

Finally, i've restructured my relationship with Yahoo! such that i will no longer be a resident social media researcher but will continue to consult for them on social media projects. This will hopefully give me more flexibility to work on my youth research projects.

My hope is that by springtime, i will be speeding along quite dandily, getting some publications out and otherwise producing what has been building up in my head for quite some time. This is also all in preparation for the dissertation writing phase which you will be painfully subjected to for the next 18 months or so as i prepare to draft a book about all of this goobly gook. If all goes well, i will have three additional letters to my name by spring 2008.

Anyhow, thank you to all who have been supportive (and continue to be supportive) and to your very deeply appreciated suggestions. I really do appreciate it immensely. I'm still struggling in what it means to be a grown-up and balance has never been one of my strengths. But i'm trying... i think good things can come out of a more balanced danah. Tehe.

Category: reflections & rants

   

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November 13, 2006

dear corporate marketer

Dear corporate marketer - i am not humored that you wish to use my blog to up your pagerank. I'm not stupid. It's obvious you're posting pithy comments debasing competitors on lots of highly trafficked entries with your URL and the search terms you wish to associate with your company.. I have left your pithy comments but changed the URLs to the company you debased. Even though you're a real company, you've acquired the honor of being on the list of spammers which means any posting with your URL (real or not) will be junked. Congratulations!

Thank you. The Management.

....

PS... To my fellow social software bloggers - keep your eye out for new social network sites that wish to up their pagerank by writing pithy commenting on blogs. Teens get to MySpace/Facebook through Google; thus, not surprisingly, competitors are trying to get highly ranked there. Personally, i hate being used for SEO and i particularly hate when people try to do SEO by writing lame comments on blogs. Major pet peeve.

Category: reflections & rants

   

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October 28, 2006

suckage explained

Every six months or so, i used to write these emotionally dramatic emails to all of my friends explaining how sorry i was about not responding to email, please forgive, i'm going to do better, i promise. And then, at one point, in writing that message, i shortened it to the equivalent of "i suck, i know it, it's not getting better" and one of my dearest friends wrote back with something akin to "thank god you finally realized that cuz i'm sick of getting your apologies every few months."

I've never really learned to stomach the fact that i can't respond to everyone. I feel guilty. If you've been reading this blog for years, this wimpering sounds familiar because i now wimper here every six months or so. Lately, people have been getting angry at me for not being able to look at their project; others yell at me for not being able to find 15 minutes to talk to them for their news articles; still others go straight for the guilt trip. I've started not responding to email. I find that i've gotten snippy in emails and that sucks; i even read blogs about how overly curt i am. The problem is that i spend 16+ hours a day working and my #1 goal is to have a life somewhere here. I've started making up appointments as excuses so that i can have nights off or leave open the possibility of dinner with a friend. I've been home for 7 days and it's the longest i've been home since i moved to LA. Anyhow, you know the exhaustion, depression, emo woe is me... that's nothing new.

Well, last night, a dear friend of mine wrote with similar exhaustion. I didn't get his message till this morning because i snuck out and saw a movie. In a theater! (I usually only see them on airplanes.) I wrote back with similar exhaustion and he sent me two pieces from Neal Stephenson that rang so true i wanted to cry. First, Why I am a Bad Correspondent. Second, My ongoing struggle against "continuous partial attention". I'm nowhere near as cool as Neal but, like him, i need 4+ hours of writing time at a time. In fact, i usually need 6+. Otherwise, i get nothing done. I know this. And i'm preparing for everyone to hate me when i go underground next summer for as long as it takes me to write a dissertation and book.

At the top of Neal's description is a quote from Umberto Eco: "I don't even have an e-mail address. I have reached an age where my main purpose is not to receive messages." What does it mean that i'm not even 30 and that's my goal? I can't help but wonder if the firehose of the Internet drowns a lot more people simply because a lot of people with good intentions can now reach them. I know that a lot of people think that i'm an uber bitch for complaining about the amount of attention that i get, but i really wish that folks could understand what a mixed blessing it is. Sure, i feel honored (and completely embarassed) by being called the high priestess. But the cost of such compliments is an inability to hang out with friends, an inability to lie on the beach staring at the stars without panicking about how i'm getting behind in work. Of course, i do make time, but often only under crisis. This week, for example, i've dropped the ball majorly because of making time for three beings that matter more than work.

I'm kinda concerned about the psychological costs here. I still remember the horror that i felt when i first learned that rescuers who are deemed heroes often commit suicide. Part of what happens is that they get spun into the spotlight for a brief period of time and then spit back out. Their identity is destroyed twice - first when they became a hero out of a passion that they believe in and second when their hero-ness is no longer significant. This is a form of micro-fame. You can have prolongated micro-fame (like many bloggers who are well known amongst niche audiences) or brief periods of mega-fame for a micro period (lottery winners, rescuers, people who the media spotlight). Unlike real fame, folks with micro-fame have no one to help them negotiate or handle all of the incoming attention that overwhelms their ability to cope. While that is exhausting, the rush is so exciting that you try really hard to take care of it all at first, to please everyone. In the process of coping, you take on that new role, the role of the center of attention. And then when the winds of attention shift, if you're clinging too hard to it, you're lost. There is no doubt that i'm affected by this (and thus, why folks are fair when they call me an uber bitch). There is part of me that loves the attention or else i would've walked away from this blog long ago. But i'm also trying to not get destroyed by it both in terms of exhaustion and in terms of shifting winds. Still, i'm curious both for myself and at a broader psychological level what it means that it's so much easier to be thrown into micro-fame. This is also something that's coming up with young people who suddenly get a surge of attention because of what they do online. I wonder what the costs of this are long-term. (Hmm... maybe that's a post-dissertation project?)

Anyhow... in short, this is my semi-annual "i suck, i know it, it's not getting better" message. I simply cannot get to all of the requests in my inbox so i'm super sorry. My primary focus for the next month is to finish a chapter for MacArthur, try to find teens to interview, and spend some time at home. I'm sorry that i suck cuz even if i can philosophize it, justify it, rationalize it, i still feel guilty.

Category: reflections & rants

   

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October 14, 2006

pre-election cynicism

When i used to bitch and moan in high school or college, my mother would often tell me to shush up and enjoy because "these are the best times of your life." I used to snort at this comment in the same way that i used to roll my eyes whenever she started anything with "when i was your age..." or when she'd tell me that she understood. Yes, i was that pre-emo child who thought that no one could ever understand.

I imagined the future to be filled with opportunities. I counted the days until my 16th birthday when mobility would finally be mine! I anxiously awaited my 21st birthday so that i could feel legitimate without Photoshop and a printer. And i always thought that 25 was the last hurdle because then i could actually rent a car without paying an extraordinary fee. One of my main goals in growing older was the ability to access the world of scholars, politicians, press, businesspeople... i wanted entrance to the world of intellectuals who held so much power, who seemed so brilliant. All told, i haven't done too badly. I've met so many people who traffic in knowledge, power, and fame. The problem is that they haven't lived up to my fantasy of what they should be like.

As a girl, i genuinely believed that politicians had to be unbelievably brilliant. I thought that academic life was all about the pursuit of knowledge. I believed that the media was comprised of people who were determined to get truthful information to the masses regardless of whatever barriers. I believed that companies succeeded because they were the best. Although i never believed that people really started out on equal footing (it was clear to me from an early age that my friends of color got shafted and that i had to out boy the boys), i thought that meritocracy actually meant something. I truly underestimated the degree to which greed and self-interest control so much of society. Then again, i could never understand why people committed violent against against others unless they were sick. I failed to realize how unaware people are of their contribution to a broken system.

As my cynicism grows, i think of my grandmother. I used to always giggle about how she would turn off her hearing aid whenever the family started speaking badly against the church or against anything that she believed. My grandmother has an amazing ability to only see the positive side of things. I used to think that this was ridiculously anti-intellectual, but i'm beginning to appreciate her POV; regardless, her positivism has kept her alive for a very long time.

It's election time in the States. I've been adamant that voting matters but i have to admit, i'm having a hard time really believing myself. I was listening to NPR discuss how the 2000 gerrymandering would effect this election and i started to cry. Recently, i met with a national politician whose views closely are aligned with mine. In our conversation, he exposed many of the concessions he has to make, actions he has to take because of how they look to his constituents not because they are best for his constituents. I know painfully well how people mis-interpret every word he says, every expression. He has to get elected based on impressions, not based on what's really good for America. To say that DC is about political theater is an understatement. ::sigh::

A few weeks ago, i was talking with a media reporter about how she had to propose every story she wants to cover and if it's not in the paper's interest, they don't cover it. She has to conform to her impression of their mandate. And then i opened up the New Yorker to see an ad for Ted Koppel on "The Price of Security" and i thought about how we no longer have the likes of Murrow and Cronkite, Koppel and Brokaw on our daily news. The correspondents are simply faces, not reporters. They must play by the norms of media organization. When i saw the wire report that Stewart/Colbert would not be running, i had to agree with Stewart: "Nothing says 'I am ashamed of you, my government' more than 'Stewart/Colbert for 08'." How is it that a news comedian is the only major reporter that is challenging the status quo when it comes to media? In many ways, i know the answer... freelance has killed reporting freedom. ::sigh::

At a benefit for Darfur this week, someone asked me if i would like to be introduced to Murdoch. I had actually been watching him and reading his lips for a half hour while trying to find my friend. I politely declined although i stood around while people i know talked to him. What could i say to him? Why did you do this to media? I know the answer... it makes economic sense. I mean, Fox News needed to cover the Foley scandal but it couldn't do it in a way that would go after the Republicans so why not call Foley a Democrat, right? Then in my stewing, i started wondering why Murdoch was at a Darfur benefit. Did he really care or was it a business proposition? My questioning this made me sad. ::sigh::

In the last month, out of academic duty, i blind reviewed over 20 academic articles for various venues. For the first time in a review cycle, every article i was given was related to something that i was knowledgeable about; i knew all of the citations and in many cases, i had done similar work. I was horrified to find that three of those included danah-isms (weird fucked up/made up turns of phrases) without credit; i was also surprised to see one argument that followed the exact logic of one of my blog posts and another that had arguments that i've given during talks (complete with the same citations). I swallowed my pride and reminded myself that the reason that i engage publicly is because i want to get knowledge out there. Without publishing my material, i must not be surprised that others will do so instead and take credit. I couldn't even bring myself to reference myself in the review because it would be so obviously from me. I tried to tell myself that maybe it was just coincidence. Even when i couldn't convince myself of that, i tried to think of when a friend's dad told her that whoever had stolen her car probably needed it more than she did; she could simply get another. And then, to my horror, i came into a situation where, for political purposes, i was not able to give credit in my own publication to someone who deserves credit. I still can't figure out how to deal with that. But it has all made me realize that the incentives behind publications and the politics behind credit are so messed up that i feel embarrassed to be a part of that system. I know that i build arguments on the shoulders of giants and so much about publishing (academic or not) is about taking credit whenever possible (often to get grants/jobs). But still, it breaks my heart to see academia incentivized by external structures rather than a pursuit of knowledge and the desire to share it. ::sigh::

I shouldn't have been surprised to see a marketing organization spin a story based on problematic data. I should've read it like i read every USA Today Poll. But it definitely hit me as i think about the polling that is happening for the election. There's no transparency in method, no transparency in data, no ability to really get at the flaws. In the last election, people foolishly believed the polls so they didn't vote because they thought it didn't matter. This all pissed me off but then i crumpled when i found out why an organization might validate inaccurate data that they know is inaccurate: it makes them look good. ::sigh::

Businesspeople, academics, press, politicians... All have destroyed my utopian fantasy of what intellectual life is supposed to be about. People are driven by money, by fame, by power. Of course, many have good intentions and those beliefs and hopes often work as a check and balance. Unfortunately, the institutions that have taken over have no such moral qualms. Corporations need to make money for their stockholders. All other systems are becoming corporations or corporate-driven. Political structure requires politicians get elected... which requires money... which requires corporations. Academia survives on grant money... which requires government (which requires corporations) or corporations directly. Media, well media has already become a corporation.

Mom was right. Life was far more fun in high school and college before my mythical ideals were shattered. There, i could believe in the moral high ground. I never really believed that man is basically good (hell, i got kicked out of class in 9th grade for arguing against it), but i didn't really get how crowds of good individuals could really go wrong. I guess i should've given how much i've argued that Milgram's experiment is more about everyday life than Nazis. But still, i wanted to believe that something could be done. Back then, i had infinite energy to fight injustice. But honestly, now, i'm exhausted.

How did we get here? How do we turn it around? It's so much easier to tap into people's fears, greed, and ignorance than it is to help them do good even when it's hard. I have to admit that i'm really tired of fighting and anomie is creeping in like a dark cloud. I just want to wake up tomorrow and see the world do good by itself.

Anyhow, i have so many other complex and confusing thoughts going through my head but i'll spare you. I've babbled too long but i wanted to explain my absence and confusion these last couple of weeks. And to ask you to help me regain at least one of my fantastical views of intellectual life: that voting matters. Deadlines to register to vote are appearing in every state soon. Please register. Please vote. And please help me try to believe that collective action can do good in at least one way. I don't know if it can and i admit that i'm as disillusioned as most folks. But i do want to try. Cuz really, i don't think that i can stomach another stolen election. And maybe if we can turn this around, we can turn around all of the other aspects of society that are disintegrating before our eyes. We have to have some hope, no?

Category: reflections & rants

Tags: anomie election academia politics business media

   

Posted by zephoria at 3:57 PM | Comments (27) | TrackBack (0)

September 28, 2006

a spazzy danah talk

When i was in North Carolina a few weeks back, i gave an off-the-cuff talk at UNC. The ibiblio folks have uploaded a video of it to their site. Since i still can't stand seeing myself speak, i won't watch it but if i remember correctly, about half of it is me answering various questions that i received before the talk and the second half is me answering questions in the room. It's by no means a formal talk but rather a spewing of random ideas, thoughts, and observations. I don't know if it'll be interesting to anyone, but i figured i should at least post about it since so many ibiblio folks are wandering over here from their site (hi!!!)

Category: reflections & rants

   

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August 3, 2006

moving update

Moving has been unbelievably chaotic. The packing process took more out of me than i could've imagined and i managed to re-injure my elbow. Then i lived in an empty apartment while people came and cleaned and painted and Marbellio screamed. Then i took her to a friend's house for the night where she screamed most of the way through the night. Then there was the painful car ride down to LA where i landed in the midst of them painting my house for two days. The first night, i slept in my sleeping bag on top of plastic in the middle of the paint zone. The next morning, Marbellio ran out the back door when the cable guy appeared. We searched everywhere but couldn't find her. Just as all of this was happening, the nice man from the Financial Times landed at LAX to come interview me. After four hours of searching (while telling the FT guy all about social media), we put up flyers all around the neighborhood. The Kinkos guy was super cool - once he realized what we needed copying, he gave us half off and made us promise to report back. Around 5:30PM, while i was getting photographed, she walked in the back door and meowed. I nearly fainted. She was filthy but home.

In the midst of all of this, i got to meet many of my neighbors and tour my neighborhood. I'm *so* excited by my neighborhood. It's unbelievably diverse. There are families and hipsters, churches and swank restaurants, modern uberpricy houses and shacks. There are people of all ages, races, cultures. And everyone is unbelievably nice. It's kinda surreal really.

Today the movers come. Let's just hope that this is the last of the true chaos and we can settle in and make it home.

Category: reflections & rants

   

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July 24, 2006

an ode to a math teacher: benevolent dictators and urban tribes

The social network structure of friendship is rarely a bounded group. Even if we are friends, the imagined community of my friends is different than your imagined community. This is why you get these beautiful web-like structures when you model friendship, why the guests of a friend's cocktail party typically include many people you know and a few that you don't, and why figuring out the guest list for an event can be a dramatic process. It'd be a lot easier if everyone attending had the same idea of who all should attend wouldn't it?

Since i've been in San Francisco, i've been part of a group that could be defined as an "urban tribe." Urban tribes are particularly funny because they are all about turning a friendship structure into a group structure. Tribes often have a notion of membership but it is often unclear what constitutes membership. Is membership social affinity? Dues? Participation in tribe activities? Is there a "core" group? Is it about housing? Sexual relations? What?

My "urban tribe" has been plagued with the membership question for quite some time now. On one hand, you would think it wouldn't matter - who cares if Bob and Sue see Sue as a member and Ann doesn't? Yet, it is technology and the required articulation of groups that torments us. One simple question turns the basic negotiation of friendship into a complete nightmare: who should be on the group's mailing list?

A mailing list is a group structure - it has boundaries and one is either 'in' or 'out' - it is not possible to be 'in' to some people and 'out' to others like it is when you think of ego-centric friendship communities. Of course, with any group, there are members who view other members with disdain and would prefer that they were not also part of the group. This is one of the common features of urban tribes that Ethan Watters describes. Mailing lists push people to think in terms of group structures, even when the social cost is great. Faced with having to resolve this, it shouldn't be surprising that an urban tribe swings back and forth between seeing itself as a collective with an identity that trumps individual relationships and seeing itself as a group of friends first and foremost.

Think about this for a moment... Remember how difficult it was to decide your Top 8? This required you to personally choose your closest friends and exclaim them for the world to see. Now imagine having to collectively agree with your friends on who should be in each other's Top 8. Imagine having to say to some of your close friends that they're not in the collective Top 8 because other people don't like them enough, don't feel as though they're close enough to the center of the group or whatever. This might be cool if the individual thinks of themselves as separate from the group, but if they want to be part of the group, it reeks of middle school clique drama.

My particular urban tribe used to handle this through benevolent dictatorship. The person in charge of the list decided who got to be on the list when. Not surprisingly, people resented this person - they bitched and moaned and questioned the fairness of the process. Luckily, the benevolent dictator's ego was strong enough and he was central enough to most people that the bitching didn't really do any damage. Yet, as time passed, folks decided that a democracy would make more sense. The benevolent dictator stepped down and for the last year folks have been trying to figure out how to best handle issues of membership.

Consensus is a mess - it's quite clear that not everyone likes everyone else. It was much easier when folks felt stuck with the other people and could blame the benevolent dictator. Now that everyone has veto, it's clear that no one passes the everyone test. Representative democracy is also disastrous because the representatives were trying to be good by everyone and they end up getting resented by everyone and then depressed personally... few people want to attend bureaucratic meetings and even fewer want to be representatives. As time goes on, it becomes quite clear that we were much better off with a self-appointed benevolent dictator with an ego that could handle everyone's bitching. And besides, people *like* bitching, regardless of who is handling what. That's the beauty of urban tribes - they run on drama as fuel. Of course, you don't _elect_ a benevolent dictator so how do you turn back?

What i find most fascinating is that, as the process unfolds, the group-ness is breaking down... the ego-centric community networks are trumping the group-ness and smaller clusters are emerging based on who feels closer to whom. Organizing events continues to bring the group together but efforts at creating democracy tear it apart. To complicate matters, as we get older, it gets harder to do events which makes it harder to have community solidarity. Additionally, folks keep moving away for work or school so there's geographic and attention splintering and we've reached the age where coupling is rampant, making the local networks far more significant than the group networks. I've never believed that urban tribes postpone marriage but i do believe that marriage fragments urban tribes.

I don't know what the answer is but there's something fascinating about seeing my social life play out some of my research conundrums - namely, how do you resolve group structures and networks? I wonder to what degree has organizational technology like mailing lists and Tribe.net forced people into moving towards a group model... I also wonder if social network sites like MySpace are letting people move back towards a network structure by encourage bulletin postings instead of group membership... I wonder if the next generation won't have the same sorts of tribe structures because of MySpace... I wonder i wonder i wonder...

Category: reflections & rants

Tags: urbantribes

   

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July 23, 2006

best of?

Folks often tell me that they give pointers to my blog to people in the industry to get a sense of what's happening in social media. I find this embarassing and tend to play ostrich so that i can go about writing about whatever. At the same time, i kinda realized that this blog is hard to navigate if you don't know me... so i started thinking i should do something to help strangers find things that are particularly relevant and interesting. I decided i should create a best-of list. In trying to create a best-of, i got super self-conscious again. I started looking at entries and wondering if that was really that interesting to people who didn't know me. So, i decided that i should turn to you.... What do you think is particularly interesting here? What entries do you think i should include in a best-of list? Sorry - i'm a bit neurotic about things like this but i'm trying to suck it up and realize that more than a few people read this blog. ::gulp::

Category: reflections & rants

   

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July 5, 2006

visiting a movie set

I'm back in the States now having done my final leg in New Zealand (which i've decided looks exactly like LOTR). What a beautiful country! My only complaint is that it's bloody freezing and no one thinks that central heating is important - brrrr.

I went to NZ to speak at the Karajoz Great Blend Events in Wellington and Auckland, all arranged by the fabulous Russell Brown. In addition to my public babbling on MySpace, Russell interviewed the folks who made Star Lords. God i love mashups! After my talk, there was a panel at each event with some of the fantastic local web folks talking about community. Justin Zhang (of SkyKiwi) spoke at both events and he was soooo hysterically funny - absolute deadpan humor. On top of the talks, i did a bazillion press events - TV, radio, newspaper... i felt like a talking puppet after a while. But it was pretty trippy - the live press folks in NZ talk much faster than i'm used to so it was a bit insane to parse the accents and try to be interesting at the same time.

I didn't get a whole lot of free time in Wellington, but i did get to see the LOTR exhibit and purchase Uggs (which i realize make a lot of sense when there's no heating anywhere). I got stuck in Wellington for most of a day (silly fog) but Natasha from TradeMe was such an angel - picking me up, hanging out with me as we waited at the airport. Plus, the night before, she and some folks from Webstock took me out to this really awesome Maori restaurant where i got to meet one of the local Maori activists.

In Auckland, i had a bit more time and Matt Gibbons (one of the Star Lords kids) gave me a full tour - we went club hopping, saw the sun rise over the city, wandered to the beach, went to the museum, hung out at folks' houses, etc. The best part was that he was a talking history machine. Listening to him reminded me of the time when my best friend and i went to the San Diego Zoo and ran around after the information buses just to learn random facts about animals. I couldn't get enough of the random stories about New Zealand history and it was so fantastic to have someone who was ecstatic to tell me all sorts of random stories. Even better was that he did it with funny NZ slang. Plus, he could actually dance (like _really_ dance) and he's an overgrown goofball which meant that we ended up spending most of the time laughing as we ran around the city. We also managed to meet quite a few quirky characters. At the top of Mt. Eden, we ran into a guy doing butane and trying to sell us $1 visions. In the middle of Auckland, we ran into a guy with wings who gave us mops sticks allowing us to stage mock fights in the middle of the city. At 4 in the morning, we found our car parked next to a man getting a blowjob in an alley as the transwoman giving him head showed off her skills to us. ::giggle::

All and all, New Zealand rocked and i'm sooo going back when it's actually warm out. Thank you so much to Russell, Kate, Cath, Steve and Nat for making it happening and to all of the quirky characters for making it fun!

Now, moving to Los Angeles....

Category: reflections & rants

   

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June 18, 2006

finland is wonderful

Brief update: The last week in Finland has been utterly lovely. Aula was one of the most stimulating events i've been to in a long long time - brilliant conversations in session and over drinks long into the "night" (how on earth can you call it night when it's still light out???). I got to meet some folks that i've been long curious about and hang out with old friends. This was my first time in Helsinki and it was warm and breezy and utterly lovely; the food was great, the people were fascinating and full of far too much style. I got to spend the weekend on a small island in the Archipelagos with a gloriously rustic cabin - no electricity but utterly glorious outdoors-ness. There was a proper Finnish sauna with dips into the Baltic.

Now, in some reverse-alphabetical logic, i'm off from Finland to Fiji for a few days of vacation before New Zealand. My current logic is that i'm going to rent a car and camp around Fiji since i can't seem to find cheap bures available in the Coral Coast. Has anyone driven Fiji? Is this a good or disasterous plan? I'm trying to find a solution that involves the ability to lock up my crap and wander around the island - dorms make this impossible so a car seems like a good idea where i can drop into a dorm every few days. Gosh, i *hate* traveling with a laptop but, sadly, i have no choice on this round. More brief updates from down under and then more serious thinking soon! Hope everyone is having a glorious summer!

Category: reflections & rants

   

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June 8, 2006

qualified

I passed my qualifying exams! Woo woo!!!

Of course, the last 24 hours have been quite strange. I've been prepping for quite some time. Yesterday, i chilled and a friend came and did reiki with me. I was heading to bed, all relaxed when I heard a pounding on my door. I found this quite strange given that i have a gate to my apartment. I started walking downstairs when my doorbell started ringing. And ringing. I reached the bottom and it was my neighbor. "Isn't that your car?" I looked out and said yes. "There's a guy in it." I was totally frazzled and i walked down and started pounding on my car window. "Get out of my car! What are you doing in my car?" He said that the door was open. "No it wasn't! Get out of my car!" He said he was going to sleep in it. "Get out of my car!!!" I started flipping out as my neighbor was calling the police. The guy got out and started walking down my street, away from the situation... slowly, as though nothing was wrong. At that point, i realized the window was shattered. I realized the light had been turned off, the glove compartment was open. The hood was popped. He was going to steal my car! My neighbor explained that he saw him get out of the backseat, walk around and get into the front seat. My other neighbor came out and said she had heard glass break. Baroo? The cops arrived in two minuts, but couldn't find the guy - they confirmed that he was most likely going to steal the car. Eeeek! So now, a day after getting my car from the shope, i had to go back to the shop with a broken window. What a strange event only hours before my exam.

In reflection, i realized how thankful i am that my neighbors are so kinda, that they reacted so fast, that they cared. I'm soooo lucky. I cannot imagine how i would've felt coming out this morning to drive to my exam to find my car missing. Thank god for my neighbors. But then i was sad. The guy was about my age, was wearing gloves and had a backback. It was clear that he broke the window with something he had on him, in that bag. He was intentional about his theft. He did not care - he lied to me. It makes me so sad that he thinks that this is the best thing. He cost me hundreds of dollars but that doesn't matter. I understand being poor, but i cannot imagine living a life where such theft seems reasonable. I found that i was more sad than angry, more thankful that my neighbors cared than upset that this man wanted to steal my rather simple car. It was strange to go to my exam with glass all over my car, to think about what different life paths he and i have.

Still, i got to my exam and my committee was so full of insight and good thoughts. The process was more enjoyable than scary, even though i was terrified walking in. I found that i enjoyed their critiques, found their concerns valid and intriguing. I'm looking forward to starting proper data collection. But first, i'm looking forward to a vacation. ::bounce:: Finland, Fiji, New Zealand - here i come!!

Category: reflections & rants

Tags: qualifying_exam

   

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June 5, 2006

a break in the woods

On Friday night, i finished a complete draft of my dissertation proposal and realized i needed to take a break before the final push. So i decided to go to a campout with a bunch of friends down in Santa Cruz. It was warm and sunny and it was sooo nice to drive down there. And then, when i arrived, there was a sign pointing the way to False Profit where my friends had set up a little village inside the camp. I plopped down and food was given to me. I helped make a huge bonfire and then laid out on the dock watching the stars for hours. I danced like mad to Tipper, Lorin Bassnectar, and Boreta amongst others. I drifted to sleep in a tent still caked with Playa. I was dirty and i loved it. Getting away from the city to take a break from reading/writing was the best thing ever. I feel energized and ready for this week. Now, it's time to go kick some ass!

Three more days and counting.

Category: reflections & rants

   

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May 22, 2006

fantasizing about health care

This morning, i was huffing and puffing on the human hampster wheel sandwiched between two strapping gay guys who looked more like they were on the stairway to heaven. On my iPod was Steve Martin's "Shopgirl," filling me with drab thoughts about body image LA culture while the tele ran commercials to the daytime TV crowd about products that would help you lose weight, have beautiful skin and be happy all day long. I sighed.

And then, stumbling aimlessly around the gym looking for some way that i could remedy my back ache by working on my pecks without further injuring my elbow, i started realizing that maybe there is something good to be said about all of the psycho image culture. Maybe these body sculptors will devise tools so that i can work on individual muscle zones without further damaging the other broken ones. This week alone, i've added my left elbow to my wrists, neck and right knee... so now my shoulders are starting to curl over, numbing my left arm and sending shooty gifts down my left side. Lovely. Perhaps i should worship the body sculptors and pray that they will invent a magical potion to build muscle to the exact level that will support my frame so that things don't keep falling out of whack.

And then, on cue, Barenaked Ladies came into my thoughts and i started dreaming about being uber wealthy and having real health care and having a brilliant physical therapist who would know exactly how to deal with each muscle system so that i could function even while broken as hell. Ah, dreams...

(How sad is it that my fantasy of being uber rich involves doctors and health care? And yes, i'm procrastinating writing my &%*@ quals.)

Category: reflections & rants

   

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May 1, 2006

On Being a Press Expert

When my quotes first appeared in press in 2003, i was an ecstatic bunny bouncing up and down. Since then, appearing in the press has lost its mystique (except of course when the irony is bleeding). Back then, i knew nothing of what it meant for someone to be a press expert. In the last few years, i've become one. Now, some folks tell me that i've become famous as a press expert. I.Want.To.Scream. Instead, i decided to address some of how i've seen this process work for those who don't get to deal with press so often, those who will and all of you who read the press and wonder how it all works. These notes are a little scattered, but i think they're still interesting. For those who can't stand my long articles, here are some of my key points:

• Dealing with the press takes a LOT of time and is completely exhausting and often doesn't help you get your point across.
• There are many "experts" who have a lot to gain from being in the press all the time.
• American press competition does not produce better articles, but instead encourages scary articles that will entice readers to read more.
• "Fair and balanced" promotes experts who can keep scary or emotional stories flowing.

Reporters seek experts on "both sides" of a news story in order to give balance. If you happen to be publicly arguing something in opposition to something that everyone else is arguing loudly, you're likely to end up as a target for press. The more credentials you have, the better you are for their story. Normally, academic experts are professors because that looks much better than being a lowly PhD student. This is how i become things like "cultural anthropologist" -- it's a way of giving me a title that is not "student." You also end up as a target if you know a lot about a particular topic and can verbally provide them with all of the background material they need so that they don't have to research it themselves.

I first became an expert on Friendster. Press would call me up to find out what it was. This made me feel so special and i'd spend hours talking to reporters about the details of how the site worked, walking them through everything. I was rarely quoted in those articles. I was doing their work for them. This was exhausting.

At this point, i get very irritated when reporters ask me to explain MySpace and i often make an excuse to get off of those calls fast. It's a waste of my time if they don't know about the site - none of my arguments about what's going on will stick if they're learning about it for the first time.

Talking to reporters takes a LOT of time. If you see a single quote by me in the paper press, you can guess that it came from an hour long interview. Only about 70% of my interviews result in a quote. Articles that feature me in any way take even longer. The New York Times article back in 2003 that featured me involved over 40 hours of interviewing. Photos are another layer. If you see a photo of me in a newspaper, it probably took 1-2 hours of photographing to get there. If you see a simple one in a magazine, it probably took 2-3 hours. One national magazine (not yet published) is supposedly featuring me; that photograph involved four hours of hair, makeup, clothing and cameras. Five people came to my house and ran around primping me.

Radio and TV are even more time-intensive. With paper/magazine press, you can call them at a time when you're both awake. Radio and TV news both require you to be available during the scheduled time of recording. You don't get any flexibility on that. Often, you have to appear at a location as well, requiring travel time. The 3-minute appearance on Bill O'Reilly took 3.5 hours of travel, makeup, sitting around waiting, camera checks, interview. And this was recorded in-time (no second takes). I got 3 hours of warning for that piece - i had to appear at TV's beck and call.

Radio and TV features both record ahead of time which means that you have a little more flexibility regarding timing (at least you get some warning). These also take much much longer because they can afford to do re-recordings. I recently did a recording for a TV feature. I will probably appear for 2 minutes or so. It was 4 hours of _taping_ let alone the pre-interview, travel, getting ready, etc.

Talking to press can be a full-time job. This is why those who make PR their living or those who seek to gain from the attention are more likely to appear in the press all of the time. For example, the people who from organizations that run around talking about how scary the Internet is.... they appear *everywhere* because they will appear at the beck and call of all press. When reading the news, you should think about what the person has to gain from speaking to the press. If a person's job security is wrapped up in being in the press, worry. This is why academics are such good experts - we have little to gain from talking the press except for the excitement of seeing our name in print and feeling like someone listens to us (cuz goddess knows our students don't). But, personally, i'd rather the MySpace fear shit go away so i can get back to my research. Most of the people speaking for the fear rely on that fear to keep their jobs. It is unbearably frustrating to have to face off in the press with people who have more time, can jump higher and at all hours, and have a lot to gain from keeping the topic going.

This is why reporting is often so problematic. It's not about truth, it's about what all of the relevant players have to gain/lose and who can out-do each other. Scary stories work much much better for press than statistics. Fear sells better, it makes better stories, and more experts have something to gain from it.

I talk to press every time i'm in my car, in the airport and walking around. I spend a good 15 hours a week addressing press right now. It's exhausting. I can only get back to a fraction of those who contact me and i've missed most TV and radio opportunities because i can't just jump when people ask me to jump.

At first, i felt really badly for those who were coming from non-national press. Most experts only want to talk with national press because you have more of an impact. Unfortunately, i've learned that there are other reasons. National press understand that your time is precious and rarely keep you for more than an hour. They get to the point ASAP - they are looking for a handful of quotes. They know their material better, having done the research (or used some poor sucker who was stoked to even get to talk to a press person). Talking with smaller papers can be very frustrating at times because they are not that savvy at dealing with experts, they are often looking to repeat a story that national news has already done, and when it comes to stuff like MySpace, they simply don't understand it. I feel guilty that i too have gotten in habit of being more responsive to national press than to local press, but considering that i can only respond to about 40% of the current contacts, i'd rather deal with people who know their stuff and will engage me in a new and interesting conversation. Of course, not all national press do this, but your chances are better.

With most print reporting, they are just looking for a single quote. People more savvy then me tell me to make my quote and go on auto-repeat with slight variations so that the press won't be able to get you to say something else. I'm not good at this. I'm trying.

When reading the press, you often see that XYZ refused to comment on the story. This is usually someone the story is focused on and usually someone who is going to be getting a call from every press on the planet. There are a couple of reasons. First, many public figures know that they cannot change the story the press is writing. (Many of us stupid experts still think that we can and we try really hard, often meeting failure regularly.) The public figures often have nothing to gain and a lot to lose. They also simply cannot deal with the influx so it's better to just say no universally, missing both good and bad opportunities. For example, if Tom Anderson would respond to every press call about MySpace, he'd spend over 500 hours a week talking to press. There AREN'T 500 hours in a week. Considering he already works 80+ hours a week doing his job, adding press to this doesn't sound so great. Of course, MySpace should have PR faces but they're definitely still acting like a startup on that one. (When you hear Company XYZ says "blah blah" this means that the reporter talked to the PR person not anyone who works on the product.)

Reporters get to key figures either because they have press junkets or by promising the person something special. Front page photo. A certain angle. Something that makes it enticing. Of course, if the reporter fails to deliver, they can end up on a blacklist. Likewise, many experts keep a blacklist of reporters who misquote or otherwise are not worth your time. We also share these lists and check in on reporters. As someone reading the news, you're better off following reporters who cover an area repeatedly in detail. They cannot afford to piss off all of the experts in the area and so they are better by them. There are exceptions, especially insidious reporters and talk show hosts that have impressive coverage and attention.

The competition component of the press is quite problematic. Most American reporters are freelancers - they need to sell new, unique stories to the outlets. Outlets buy stories that will sell more papers/ads. They want juicy stories. Fear, crime and personal struggle stories sell well. Fact of the matter stories do not - this is a huge problem for getting "truth" out there. Foreign press are a lot more sane. First, most of their reporters are employees who are not terrified about losing their job if they don't find a hyper juicy story. Second, most of the top press outlets are government funded which means that they're not psycho-obsessed with selling papers/ads at the detriment of getting news out there. Americans think that government funded news would be deceptive. Ha! Try corporate/ad/paper sales funded news. It's all about addicting you (the public) into buying more more more regardless of truth. Of course, some competition is good because it makes people look more closely... but often, with 24-hour news, it means making news outta nothing and maintaining stories that keep people's pulses high so they come back for more.

Anyhow, these are just a few notes from what i've learned talking to reporters. Hopefully they provide folks with a new eye for thinking about what you read. (And a new appreciation for why i'm so goddamned exhausted and frustrated - truth can't prevail in this system and that's just painful to experience.)

Category: reflections & rants

   

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March 17, 2006

my qualifying exams (and a favor)

I need to ask a favor. My qualifying exam date is set: June 8. From now till then, i will be focused on getting material together for that exam. Please understand that i cannot engage with anyone's projects or research right now. I'm happy to talk with press who are working to end the culture of fear surrounding MySpace. But i need to embargo requests for advice, consulting, talks, attending things, etc. I can't even handle the requests from other academics right now. :-( I also cannot handle introductions to new people. I know that this is terrible timing considering that i met so many amazing people in the last two weeks, but i simply cannot engage and i feel guilty about all of the saying no that i'm doing. I really appreciate that my work has been useful to so many (and i hope that it will continue to be relevant), but i desperately need to focus for a while.

I will still be blogging, more to keep my sanity than anything else. But i probably won't read other blogs unless people send me links that are relevant to my exams/MySpace/youth. I know everyone is well-meaning and i'm sooo sorry that i'm so overcommitted.

Category: reflections & rants

   

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March 16, 2006

what do you fear to be wrong about most?

Late one night at Etech, Matt Webb asked a bunch of us what we would be most afraid to be wrong about. In other words, what are we most invested in and would have our realities shattered if we were wrong. This question blew me away and got me thinking.

After thinking for a while, i gave my answer: that freedom is not the answer. All of my work, all of the work of those around me is deeply invested in the belief that freedom brings happiness and all sorts of goodness. What if freedom causes more harm than good? What it freedom brings social misery? What if people are better off being controlled? If so, i would be at a complete loss.

So i then decided to turn the question around to others and i now want to turn it around to you. What are you most afraid to be wrong about?

Category: reflections & rants

   

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March 3, 2006

zipping around

Just to let everyone know, i'm off to Tahoe for the weekend (Squaw Fest) and then Etech and then SXSW. I have no idea how much i'll be online, but hopefully i'll see a lot of you in San Diego or Austin. Also, i *think* that i'm going to be on Your Call on Monday (KALW 91.7) in case you wanna listen.

Category: reflections & rants

   

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January 12, 2006

mutants and post secret confessors

I've written before about the mutants who come back and visit my site on a daily basis, but recently, there's a new group of folks coming to lone entries - the post secret confessors. Apparently, my page on post secret comes up pretty high in the searches so hundreds of folks have come to my site to leave their confessions in the comments. I have to admit that it makes me smile every day to read these and it makes me realize how much fun Frank Warren must be having going to his mailbox every day. For those who haven't snagged a copy of the book, you totally should. I thought about getting it for a Christmas gift but i feared folks might find it disturbing.

Category: reflections & rants

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January 9, 2006

i'm baaaaack....

In the last episode, i told you i was off for the holidays. Somehow, when i got to New York, i just managed to stay offline. And then when i got to Hawaii, it seemed foolish to open the computer. Damn that felt nice. Here's a recap of the loveliness for those of you who get a kick out of me having a life in the physical world.

I landed in NY just in time to witness the transit strike. The kid sitting next to me was also from Cal and we got to talking. He was going home to see parents and he volunteered his parents to drive me home. I was a bit unsure about this, but when they arrived, they talked about how hard getting around was because of the transit strike and _of course_ they'd drive me even though i was going to the Lower East Side and they were going to the Upper West Side. I love New Yorkers in a crises. During the first two days, i never made it past the Village. It was neat to walk around but so very strange. People on bicycles biking across the Williamsburg Bridge. But of course, it was New York and everyone was just buckling down and dealing. It was great to see some community actually standing up against the disintegration of social support in society.

After chilling with a friend for a few days (including fun pub times), i was supposed to go to midtown to move into the Algonquin with another friend. I decided to grab a cab midday, hoping it wouldn't be so bad. It took over 2.5 hours to get from Houston to Time Square. ::gulp:: But the Algonquin was wonderful and i felt like i was going back in history... Dorothy Parker... Harpo Marx... George Kaufman. Ahh. We went and saw a fantastic exhibit at the Met (Photography and the Occult) before doing lots and lots of Christmas shopping.

Off to Long Island for familia and then back to the city to whip through the Pixar exhibit at MOMA before seeing a *HYSTERICAL* Broadway musical called Avenue Q. OMG. I couldn't stop laughing at the mockery of modern day PC-ness.

Next, i took a brutally long flight from JFK to Kauai (with a layover in Los Angeles) which i mostly spent playing Sudoku and reading about the history of Times Square (The Devil's Playground). I actually did quite a bit of reading on vacation. I read A Million Little Pieces, Dharma Punx, Prep, and Teenage Wasteland. (Yeah, yeah... there's a theme here.) The last one was based on Cameron's recommendation and OMG, it was fantastic. It's an ethnography of the burnouts in Bergenfield, New Jersey where four teenagers killed themselves in a suicide pact in 1987. The book does a brilliant job of covering class in America and the disappearance of notions of success for working class workers (death of unions, factory work). I will deal with it more specifically on alterity in a few days. But wow! Soooo good.

And then there was Hawaii.... Barb and i managed to get a Mustang convertible which made me think so much about Thelma and Louise (the friendship bonding part, not the suicide part). We drove all around the island, hiked the Waimea Canyon, saw pretty waterfalls, snorkeled, watched kite surfing in blissful obsession and flaked on the beach with joy. Soo good.

After Barb left for CES, both of my advisors arrived with their full families. Their friends arrived, my friends arrived and i realized at some point that i knew 16 people on the island who had nothing to do with the conference in addition to the 12 people i intended to see because of the conference. The workshop was a fascinating discussion of Pepys Diary and my talk went well (and Peter even came!). I ended up having brilliant conversations about social visualization while goofing around at beaches, hottubs and pools. I got to play with Mimi's absolutely wonderful children (who i managed to get fascinated with hurricanes, blizzards, tornadoes, tsunamis and earthquakes in a strange twist of conversations). I also got to play with another wonderful kid (Mimi's brother's girlfriend's friend's daughter) who didn't speak of lick of English but loved talking to me in Japanese. And then, when i would speak back to her in English she would just repeat whatever i would say. "How are you?" "How are you?" It was utterly beyond adorable.

So, that was my vacation... it was lovely... I'm relaxed and calm and ready to dive deeply into my qualifying exams (yelp).

Hope everyone out there is doing well! And i promise some more thought-provoking entries soon.

Category: reflections & rants

   

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December 20, 2005

tis holiday time...

I'm still not a big fan of Christmas because as best as i can tell, it's just an excuse for mass consumption and gluttony. But still, i enjoy the family time and thus i'm headed to the east coast to spend time with relatives. I don't know how much Internet access i will have between now and January 9. After family time, i will be running off to Hawaii for a mix of vacation (aka: reading time) and "conference" "attendance" (aka academic family outting).

In any case, i wish everyone the best in their consumption and celebratory efforts!

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December 17, 2005

various conference bits

I wanted to share some exciting conference bits. First, i have four upcoming public conference speaking gigs that might be of interest to folks:

1. In January, at HICSS, i will be presenting a paper: "Profiles as Conversation: Networked Identity Performance on Friendster."

2. In February, at AAAS, i will be speaking about digital youth alongside Henry Jenkins, Justine Cassell, Amanda Lehnart, and Dave Huffaker. The panel is called "It's 10 pm: Do You Know Where Your Children Are . . . On-line!"

3. In March, i will be giving a talk at Etech. The talk is called "G/localization: When Global Information and Local Interaction Collide." This will be a long talk, written explicitly for the Etech community, addressing the tensions between global and local that are emerging in social software. For all of you industry folks, this will be the most relevant talk i will give this season.

4. The next week in March, i will be organizing a panel at SXSW alongside Jane McGonigal, Irina Shklovski and Amanda Williams. SXSW will be full of many different fun panels and lots of good socialization.

In addition to my upcoming talks, i am also on the steering committee for BlogTalk Reloaded. The CFP was just released and is of particular relevance to many of you since the scope of the conference has expanded to think about social software more broadly. There are three separate tracks: academic, industry and practitioner. It's a good opportunity to meet with all sorts of social technology minded folks.

Category: reflections & rants

Tags: hicss aaas etech sxsw blogtalk

   

Posted by zephoria at 1:11 PM | Comments (6) | TrackBack (0)

gathering the troops

Folks in the media have definitely noticed one of the things i love most about Yahoo! - it's invested in bringing together all of the smart folks and interesting companies under one roof. I've been working in Yahoo! Research Berkeley for four months now and in that time, i've watched as people throughout the company have become more and more aware of what it means to make and think about social media (from both top-down and bottom-up directions). There's also been a huge push at rethinking how innovation happens. For example, there was hack day where folks from across the company came together and hacked up interesting and innovative projects in a matter of one day. Recently, the company has started releasing small mash-ups rather than waiting for things to be connected to full-blown projects. The weird thing is that i don't even know a fraction of what gets released on a daily basis.

Yahoo! is going through a really strange transformation right now and it's intriguing to be a part of it. It's a big grown-up company full of "adults" who have been working in a structured form for quite some time. With all of the acquisitions and recent hirings, they've been bringing in an entirely new branch of folks - the "kids." You can feel this around the campus. Walk into most cubes and people are quietly coding away. Walk into land-o-Flickr and there's an explosion of energy, streaming commentary, and rapid-fire iteration (much to the dismay of their neighbors, i'm sure). The new "kids" swirling around Yahoo! are tasked with bringing in the innovative spirit, shaking up corporate culture, and marching to our own creative drumbeat. The grown-ups around Yahoo! are not quite sure what to do with many of us, but the energy we bring seems to be appreciated. Yet, meetings are often a bit peculiar as we try to find common language and process for working together. (And, just like good "kids", i've noticed that many of us have a rather foul tongue that still shocks the "adults" on a regular basis.)

I often hear people talking about how Yahoo! is buying up Web2.0, but i don't think it's just that. It's not only about tagging, social bookmarking, sharing, etc. It's about rethinking the innovation process when handling social technologies. Take a look at some of the characters recently hired/acquired - Caterina Fake, Stewart Butterfield, Joshua Schachter, Andy Baio, Cameron Marlow, Chad Dickerson, Tom Coates... These aren't even your typical Web2.0 crowd - these are creatives with attitude who have no problem telling corporate what they think and pushing for changes that they feel are essential.

Before mainstreamification, Yahoo! used to stand for the people who were rather quirky. It's rather nice to see it moving back in that direction. And it's quite fun to watch it from the inside and contribute to that effort. (And damn do i like the fact that so many of the folks i respect are landing there.)

Category: reflections & rants

Tags: yahoo

   

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December 8, 2005

dear principal

Dear Principal,

Please excuse danah from school and all activities for a few days. She seems to have contracted the deth flu and is working on building an intimate bond with the white porcelain bowl. Don't worry - she has made the tub a cozy bed and is very thankful that her landlord put a heating vent in the bathroom. I am watching out for her, keeping her clean and cuddled. I will meow loudly if there are any problems. Please be patient with her as she's a bit on the delusional end of things.

Sincerely,
Marbellio

Category: reflections & rants

   

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November 27, 2005

capturing changes in news

This weekend, i managed to see two distinctly different movies concerning radical shifts in journalism and the differences were chilling - Capote and Good Night, and Good Luck.

Capote is a portrayal of Truman Capote, focusing on his work in creating In Cold Blood. In Cold Blood was the first journalistic novel, taking a true story and adding literary flair to draw you in. It allowed people to fetishize real news. In the film, you see Capote devolve as he creates the masterpiece that makes him famous. Writing the book, getting to know and helping support the murderers killed him... Capote never wrote another book and died an alcoholic. Of course, what is only hinted at in the film is the role that his book had on the living people he portrayed, on the people who were intimately affected by this tragedy. If it weren't for Capote, the murderers would not have gotten their appeals, a the small town in Kansas would never be infamous, and the people could've moved on from the horrors without their lives perpetually being invaded for Capote's gain. Legacies have a price.

Good Night, and Good Luck is the story of how Edward R. Murrow took on Joseph McCarthy by taking advantage of his privilege as a trusted reporter to offer editorialized reporting in order to reveal the underlying problems of McCarthy's approach. Murrow took on McCarthy when no one else was willing and many credit him for ending the Red Scare. In doing so, Murrow was accused of being a red, his good friend committed suicide and he almost lost his job at CBS. Yet, there's a reason why he's an icon to most journalists - he did what was right. Of course, every ounce of this movie makes you think of contemporary times... (are there any journalists today who would stand up to the current regime?)

Both films portray characters who made a choice to write in a way that frames a story, recognizing that the true facts are only one part. Yet, Capote did it for personal gain at a great cost to both him and the town portrayed. Murrow, on the other hand, did it for what he felt was a moral responsibility. Both realized that the reporter did the framing. And yet, at what cost?

What are the moral responsibilities in reporting? In speaking in public? When we recognize that there is no neutral truth, no fair and balanced anying, everything is framed.. then what? How many more Red Scares can we perpetuate? How many communities can we destroy by fetishizing their losses?

Category: reflections & rants

Tags: capote murrow journalism cultureoffear

   

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November 11, 2005

Homophily of Professional Conferences

(reposted from centrality)

Ever notice how many professional conferences tend to lack diversity (in ideas, methodologies, demographics)? Ah, homophily. Ever wonder why this might be problematic? Or why it might stifle innovation and creativity?

sitting in the boardroom / the i'm-so-bored room
listening to the suits / talk about their world
they can make straight lines / out of almost anything
except for the line / of my upper lip when it curls -- Ani

Following from network analysis, we know that birds of a feather stick together and that they invite more like minded birds to join them. And we also know that networks play a key role in innovation and that disparate networks are critical to creativity. Let's keep those two bits in mind when we think about conferences.

Professional conferences are fundamentally social networking events; don't let anyone convince you that people are there to listen to lectures. We attend to connect with the people that we know and meet new people who might inspire us (or hire us). Professional conferences are also primarily word-of-mouth events, particularly the smaller ones. You go because your colleagues are going or because someone you know is going and you track their whereabouts. Additionally, speakers are frequently chosen by organizers who they know; they hope these speakers will attract a particular (paying) crowd. Well, by and large, we are friends with, listen to and know of with people like us, making conferences painfully homogeneous affairs.

Unfortunately, even the most conscientious organizers tend to have difficult diversifying their audience because they are under pressure to make certain (paying) audiences attend. Attendees also magnify the homophily problem by choosing events based on their friends. Likewise, companies attend if they're guaranteed their target audience (for either marketing or hiring). If homophily works so well for these groups, why should we try to diversify?

While we go to conferences to see our friends, the opportunity to learn and really think from a new perspective is still there. We all learn from new people and yet we rarely leave a conference having met more than a handful of people. But try going to a different country - it's a mind-opening experience. You see your own culture from a new lens. You come back to your home environment and you bring with you ideas based on observations abroad. There's something very powerful about really moving oneself out of one's comfort zone, out of the norms.

Well, the same thing can occur at conferences. The more diverse the audience, the more potential for really new ideas because you can engage with more disparate world views. People of different theoretical, methodological, ethnic, religious, political, cultural backgrounds, genders, races, socio-economic classes, lifestyles, perspectives... Diversity matters for more than some PC idea of what's right. Diversity matters because it helps us see the world in new perspective and engage with development that supports a diverse world. It fundamentally helps innovation.

Those looking to hire at conferences should also care about diversity. If you meet someone at a conference who's exactly like you, what do they bring to your company? Most companies want innovative minds. Well, you don't innovate best when in a room full of people like you; you innovate best when you get to play with a lot of different people because you take their throw-away ideas, remix them with yours and voila, new idea!

Organizers want to have a diverse audience because their event will be remembered as the place where someone's new idea came from, where the ideal employee was hired. Of course, it's also tricky because over time, as excited attendees return, they too will end up being homogeneous, at least in ideas/perspective. This happens everywhere - events/companies/schools that were once a site of innovation become stale because it's difficult to keep things fresh.

Of course, it's also difficult for newcomers to attend a conference that is so solidified in its attendees. It makes it hard to penetrate, to be a newcomer. The amount of effort it requires to attend as a stranger, to learn the cultural values that bonds attendees... it is much higher. Yet, so are the potential rewards. But not if the attendees have so much centrality that they do not wish to meet newcomers.

So, what do we do about it? How do we support diversity in order to evolve? How do we help integrate new people to meet the consistent attendee? Conference organizers design programs; how can they design the event as a whole? There is an art to event organizing and it is not solely one of choosing good topics. But it is definitely a tricky social network problem. You want there to be just enough but not too much centrality. You also want to use the topics and common interests to bond people, not segregate them. You want to help people who will only really meet 2-3 people to meet people most unlike them but who they will still have enough in common to have reasons to engage. What else? What else can social network theory tell us about conference organizing to support innovation through diversity?

Category: reflections & rants

   

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October 30, 2005

designing for life stages

People often ask me why designing for teens or older folks is different, why age matters. There are many different ways to slice up age and life stage. Mooshing together various theories, i have my own hypothesis about three critical life stages in Western culture that affect a lot of our social technologies. The first is identity formation; the second is contributive participation in society; the third is reflection and storytelling.

Identity formation

When youth are coming into a sense of self, they move away from the home and look to the social world to build a socio-culturally situated identity. In other words, they engage in the public in order to make sense of social boundaries/norms and to develop a sense of self in relation to the broader social context. Youth go to the public to see and be seen and they negotiate a presentation of self depending on the reactions of peers and adults. Public performance is about getting those reactions in order to make sense of the world.

A main role of things like MySpace and Facebook is to produce a public sphere in order for youth to negotiate their peers and learn about the social world. People often ask me why teens don't just go out in a physical public. Simply put, they can't. We live in a culture of fear where most parents won't allow their children to go anywhere without supervision. Youth no longer have access to the streets or even neighborhood gathering spots. They are always in controlled locations where the norms are strictly dictated by adults - this is not a public sphere in which teens can make sense of sociability. Thus, they create their own. (Note: the production of a public and its implications is the cornerstone of my dissertation.)

Peer groups are critical to identity development and the technologically-enabled always-on culture supports that process, especially when the bulk of youth's lives are spent having to play by adult rules with only 3-minute passing time for sociability. This process typically starts in the pre-teen years and goes strong through high school and into post-high school years with a fading of core identity development occurring mostly in the mid-20s.

Contributive Participant in Society

And then we become adults. The bulk of adult-hood is evaluated based on contribution to society, participation, what you can create and do. It's about being a good citizen, laborer, parent. It's about the act of doing things. Your identity gets wrapped up in how you contribute to society ("So, what do you do?"). We ask youth about their hobbies and friends; we ask adults about their jobs and children. When we speak, we think that we have to produce information, be relevant, be efficient, be contributive. (And people wonder why growing up sucks.)

Nowhere is this shift more apparent than blogging land. While youth are doing identity production in terms of sociability, adults are creating new tasks for themselves - documenting, informing, conversing. It's all wrapped up in being part of the conversation, not in simply figuring out who you are.

Reflection and Storytelling

There comes a point when people stop thinking that they need to give give give. They're done and they want to reflect and share and just be. Older people are proud of what they did do and they tell stories. They share with their children and grandchildren and they find utter joy in watching them grow up. They talk about their children and grandchildren to friends with proud voices, sharing the joys of their stories. Older folks are no longer invested in working and being productive citizens. It's more a matter of life maintenance and reflection.

While storytelling is the cornerstone of most social technologies, little has been done to engage them with the technologies or to make it relevant to them in a direct way. While youth are motivated to repurpose adults' tools for their own needs, older citizens have no investment in such repurposing. The way that it's always been done is just fine.

Note: This does not mean that older folks are not being productive, just that they're not invested in producing for a broader society in the same way as the mid-range folks. For example, there is a lot of genealogy work done (and it's a big use of technology), but it's mostly about fitting one's life story into a larger narrative. Hobbies pick up (from knitting to gardening to traveling). It is not that life is over - priorities just change.

Design Issues

Admittedly, this description is very coarse and not fleshed out (::cough:: wait for the dissertation!) but i still think it's relevant for design. How do these groups think about the public differently? How do they engage with information and sociability differently? Their practices differ because their needs and goals differ. What would it mean to design with life stages in mind?

Of course, some folks are definitely thinking about this problem. I was ecstatic when i read Mena note that "it's not just about ease of use: I want to make a product that my mom actually wants to use." Mena's dead-on. It takes understanding the social practices and needs of a given group. It doesn't matter if it's usable if it's not relevant.

(For those wondering about my dissertation, i'm working on the proposal... but this entry is a good teaser.)

Category: reflections & rants

Tags: design identity storytelling

   

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October 18, 2005

"you can't blog this"

So, i've gotten used to friends telling me that i can't blog something. And teachers. Professors always stare me down and say that i can't blog something that they said. Of course, every time someone says i can't blog something my ears perk and up. The weird thing is that the vast majority of times that they make that precursor, i wouldn't have blogged it anyhow. It's something personal, something vulnerable. And i'm just not that mean.

Today, i got that statement from a reporter. She didn't want me to blog our conversation until after the article comes out. Baroo? I found this request startling. I probably wouldn't have blogged the conversation because the vast majority of what i said i've said here plenty before. But now there's a temptation. What does it mean that mainstream media wants to control my ability to speak for myself rather than through them? The threat there is that they won't quote me. That is less of a concern to me than my horror that they would think this is wise. I want the right to control my voice, especially given media's tendency to misquote. Why should i wait to react to their article? Why shouldn't i make it clear what i believe i said right after i said it? It's not like the journalist is only talking to me. My hope is that the journalist is doing synthesis. My role is to provide a particular voice so why can't i make it clear what my voice is ahead of time?

Of course, what stops me from fleshing things out here and naming names is that i actually like the reporter concerned and have spoken to her before and enjoyed the conversations and what she writes. I don't want to embarrass her. But i am horrified that this is considered acceptable in mainstream media. Perhaps i should make it explicit and clear that i won't talk to reporters who want to control my blogging?

Category: reflections & rants

Tags: journalism blogging

   

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September 22, 2005

an update

School is back in full-swing and my classes and professional interactions are colliding in fantastic ways. I'm taking a group study on sociological social networks, a class on search (mostly guest lectures from key figures in the big search companies), a reading group on participatory media (with Xiao Qiang and visitor Howard Rheingold), and a reading group on identity and storytelling (with visitor Quentin Hardy). Outside of classes, i've already gotten into fascinating conversations about everything from the nature of the public to Web2.0 and academia (notes coming soon). The Macarthur project on digital youth is underway and we're negotiating everything from ethics of human subjects to how to get good data from teens.

In professional land, i'm having a blast at Yahoo! as the socio-technical research gets underway. Plus, Yahoo! hired a friend of mine from the Media Lab - Cameron Marlow. I had totally missed the east coast way of debating everything to smithereens so it's nice to have someone around who thinks i'm full of shit 99% of the time. Other people that i've read and respect also keep popping up at Yahoo! making meetings utterly fascinating.

On a more personal front, i've decided to try living alone (well, with feline) for the first time in my life; this is going to be a fascinating experiment. I'm not sure that Marbellio is prepared for this plan and she knows that something is up and feels the need to continuously meow at me - i think she's more social than i am.

Honestly, life is good and i feel completely spoiled. My biggest challenge is that writing is still brutally brutally painful and i feel like i'm swimming in molasses as i try to finish book chapters and a book proposal.

Of course, because life is good, my workaholic-ness has soared to a new level. I've decided to force myself into one social activity per week. This week, i will be going to see Ray Kurzweil at the Long Now talk series. Long Now rocks for bringing in fun speakers and i had a blast at the Jared Diamond talk. I'm quite fascinated by Kurzweil and The Singularity is Near is on the stack of must-read books for this fall, if for no other reason than i always find his ideas push me to think (usually in the process of disagreeing). I will reserve my critiques until i read the book but i figure that the lecture will be a good soft introduction. Hopefully, i'll see some folks there!

Category: reflections & rants

   

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September 11, 2005

when mainstream media cite blogs

This morning, Google News informed me that i was referenced in a mainstream media article. Having not spoken to reporters for a while, i was curious what i could've said (and praying that it had nothing to do with Burning Man). Sure enough, i'm cited in a Sunday Times article called How they triggered war on the web. The Sunday Times never contacted me; they simply referenced something that i said on my blog. While this is pretty common practice in blogging journalism, i have never experienced this personally with mainstream media. What humors me most is that they cite my blog but do not cite the actual entry which provides much more relevant information.

Another thing that fascinates me is their choice of affiliation. The last question most reporters typically ask concerns affiliation - they want to know how to identify me in their article (and how to spell everything correctly). I typically use my Berkeley affiliation because my opinions usually stem from my academic research and may not reflect the values/ideas of my employer. In some cases, reporters print both. While i'm happy to be identified as a researcher for Yahoo!, that post has nothing to do with Y! And besides, when i wrote it i didn't even work there. Strange strange.

I also find the reporter's choice of tense fascinating. Rather than indicating that i wrote XYZ, the reporter states that i "maintain" XYZ. This sounds like it's an active ongoing process, that i've been continuously proclaiming an opinion i wrote 2 months ago. While i do believe that 7/7 (and every major catastrophe in the last 20 years) pushes the evolution of media along, it feels a little strange to see words put into my mouth about my current opinion. I wonder what other past voices of me will become present.

::laugh:: There's something funny about watching mainstream media pick up their reporting habits from bloggers. I wonder if we get misspellings next?

In any case, blogs must be super useful if you're a reporter (especially if you have a propensity for procrastination). All of a sudden, there are millions of quotable opinions out there waiting to be cited. Of course, it puts a little jab into the ethics question about whether or not opinions on the web are public.

Category: reflections & rants

Tags: press citationality ethics

   

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September 4, 2005

hurricane in the desert

My lips and hands were cracking with desert dryness when i heard about the devastation of the south via the brutality of Katrina. Removed from all news sources, i could only pick up information through word-of-mouth networks with new news arriving with each fresh Burner. When i reached cell range upon leaving the playa, i called everyone i knew with connections down there and scanned for NPR and other radio news. But nothing prepared me for the photos that i saw once i reached my laptop.

What surprised me was not the massive flooding - i had been prepared for that by the news that flowed. What surprised me was the constant stream of black faces amongst those stranded and missing. It should've been obvious but it was not something that the radio discussed once as i scoured for news on my drive home. While the city had ordered a mandatory evacuation, not everyone had the means to leave. And in this country, poverty and skin color are painfully aligned. The radio was actively covering the looting but as i looked into the photo faces of those stranded, i couldn't help but wonder how many of them were just trying to survive. Are they "looters" simply because they're black?

I still don't know how to react to the devastation that occurred while i was off in my privileged playa bubble. But i do know that a conversation on race and class is desperately needed in this country and my hope is that Katrina will allow us to begin that discussion. In the meantime, i pray that we can get our acts together and take care of the people who are in desperate need.

Question: i know that the National Guard is not letting the Red Cross into New Orleans. Has anyone done the research to determine where donations are the most effective right now?

Category: reflections & rants

Tags: hurricane katrina race class

   

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July 23, 2005

some transparency

In an effort to be transparent, i feel the need to note that i resigned from Google today. I very much love Google and Blogger but i reached the point where my talents and their needs no longer aligned in productive ways. I can't say i won't be back, but for now, it doesn't make sense. That said, i will really miss everyone there.

I have also decided to accept a temporary consulting gig with the Yahoo Research Labs Berkeley to work alongside my friend and co-teacher Marc Davis.

Before anyone gets all conspiracy on me, this decision is not in spite of Google. I still love Google, but i feel as though i am better off consulting for a research lab right now and the direction of Yahoo's is 100% in line with my interests (and hell, most of my department is there). It also makes more sense for me to take project-based consulting gigs than to broadly advise within a company.

For better or worse, i've never been good at loving a company and hating its competitors. I strongly believe that there are strengths and weaknesses to both companies and that their products make sense for different populations. I prefer the meta-structural perspective to the cult perspective. So i can't say that i suddenly hate Google and love Yahoo - i respect them both and i see them as very different.

So, even though i'm sad to be leaving Google, i am excited to work on entirely new problems and think about entirely different populations' needs.

I am also excited to see a tech company that makes sociable products create a research division meant to understand social issues. For good reason, more and more companies are hiring anthropologists and sociologists. Because there is very little known about social/tech, these internal social scientists can help address problems specific to the company; when it comes to social technologies, developing an innovative algorithm means nothing if you don't get the social issues right. I wish more tech companies would realize that they need social research more than technology research these days.

Anyhow, as always, i won't discuss internal affairs on this blog, but i believe in reflexivity and i believe that it is responsible to be transparent about who puts food on my table so that my biases are known.

Category: reflections & rants

   

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July 13, 2005

you live, you learn

Alanis Morissette performed in Oakland tonite, revisiting Jagged Little Pill on it's 10 year anniversary. Aaron managed to snag front row center seats, allowing me to view her every facial expression, every emotion while i vividly flashed back.

In 1995, my cousin handed me a copy of Jagged Little Pill, telling me that i would like it. It hadn't been released yet; he had a review copy. I put it in the tape player and it got stuck, where i left it on repeat play for over six months. So many things were connected with that album. The beauty pageant. My neck. The party. But more than anything, there was Clark. Tears rolled down my face as Alanis sang "Perfect" and i flashed back to learning of his death, running out the house in hysteria and jumping in my car, speeding down Oregon Pike until i spun out in the ice, crying Alanis lyrics intermittently combined with screaming, car in the middle of the intersection. I saw him there, remembered his voice and our last conversation, remembered the night when he hid in the dark waiting form me to come home from work, grabbed my hand to place a sleeping River in my palm.

We all had our reasons to be there
We all had a thing or two to learn
We all needed something to cling to
So we did

It's amazing to realize that we carry our pasts with us always and the little triggers quickly collapse all temporal distance. Within the sadness, i felt so much joy listening to her, realizing that i too am ten years older and her words were in the past for both of us.

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

Category: reflections & rants

   

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July 10, 2005

happy birthday dear officer...

Last night, i attended a renegade party buried in San Francisco. We could see the road from our location, but the road could not see us. When we saw cop car after cop car drive by, we knew it was over. But still, as they stopped, we crouched down, climbed trees, hid behind bushes. The officer climbed the hill with his flashlight, shining it on people. He got to the top where he realized there were at least 150 people there.

"Oh. My. God." was the only thing he could mutter. And he kept repeating it.

In response, someone jumped up and yelled "Surprise!" at which point everyone jumped into singing "Happy Birthday" to the officer. His eyes were wide with shock, jaw still slack. He was too stunned to be forceful, but he made it clear that we needed to get off this land. So as we filtered out, we eached passed by the different officers, all of whom were muttering in shock at how this many people could possibly get past security onto this land. As i walked by, i apologized for the inconvenience. He just looked at me with shock. Here was a large crowd of certifiable (primarily) sober adults, with no teens in sight throwing a ?rave?! ::gasp:: He mumbled "no problem" in response. Poor guy probably had no idea just how this could possibly happen.

Category: reflections & rants

   

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July 8, 2005

making harps for elephants

Last night, i went to the Mad Scientist's Club at Squid Labs. It was mostly a collection of MIT geeks showing off new things they had built or talking about ideas for things to build.

One idea that i really liked concerned the breaks of bicycles. As you slow down to stop at a stop sign, the bike would store up energy in a rubber band so that when you were allowed to go again, you would zoom off, allowing you to stop without losing too much momentum.

My favorite story of the evening came when Saul and gang were discussing rope that they made for Sound and Rope. Apparently, a man from Thailand approached them. He made CDs of music that elephants made. He wanted them to build him a rope structure that would be a harp for elephants.

Mostly though, i enjoyed the social part. I was surprised to find that i knew folks there from three different facets of my life and it was such fun to be back in MIT creativity zone. It's been a long time since i built anything.

Category: reflections & rants

   

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July 1, 2005

do you have questions for me?

So, I return to work on Tuesday. I haven't read many blogs in two months but when I last did, I remember there being concerns that all of us were getting boring. Talking to Clay in New York, I think there is some truth to that. We repeat ourselves over and over again. I, for one, have zero desire to be a broken record - I do that enough as is.

So let me ask you - what questions would you be excited to see me address? What is burning in your mind?

I haven't read a lot lately (well, lots of trash fiction) so feel free to point me to different topics and ask me to respond. I figure this might be a good way to get caught up.

Category: reflections & rants

   

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June 27, 2005

gentle re-entrance

It's 4AM and i just took the N to Wonderland after my last night in New York before heading out to a week with my family. I can't even begin to exclaim the glory of taking a vacation, the preciousness of laughter and late-night conversations. I feel so thankful for my life and genuinely refreshed. Of course, i'm really wary of diving back into the life inside the machine.

There's no good way to sum up my trip so perhaps a photo will do:

::giggle:: Really, Thailand was about daily Thai massages, my first acupuncture, private yoga, meditation, temples, one evil jellyfish, fasting and a hell of a lot of beach. I stayed at a place called The Sanctuary on Koh Phangan which is utterly glorious for anyone looking to chill out in Thailand at a non-pretentious resort.

New York has also been filled with chilling goodness too, ranging from goofy nights in the Ye Olde Carlton Arms Hotel ("a riot of visual cacophony") to a day spent with mermaids and Clay's little boy to getting kicked out of Washington Square Park in "the city that never sleeps" (ha! things do close!). All amongst amazing company, seeing old friends everywhere and finally getting to meet a fellow troublemaker. Oh and pizza and bagels and Belgian frites. I love New York sooo much.

The weird thing is that i don't really miss my computer life. I don't miss the OCD hypertension, the time spent zoning out with human contact coming in bubble form locked in my room. Roaming the streets, human synchronicity, adhoc exploration, walking my ass off, doing yoga... it has been so lovely to interact with people constantly that my computer feels so cold and blogging feels so remote. I love being back to intellectual engagement with friends but i do not miss email one bit. I wonder if it's possible to just give up on email entirely, to just turn it off. Hmmm....

Anyhow, i still felt the need to blog re-entrance even if i'm still not responding to anything sent my way. ::wave::

Category: reflections & rants

   

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May 28, 2005

bye!

I AM ON VACATION

I will be gone from May 29-July 3. I'm off to Thailand and then in New York with my family (with a conference in there). Email has been shut off. My normal email addresses send a bounce message before proceeding to /dev/null; the ones for mailing lists, blogs, random mail, etc. go straight to /dev/null. I have no intention of blogging and i'm not taking a camera. It's time for yoga, meditation and beach. I intend to relax to the best of my ability.

Have a great June!!

Category: reflections & rants

   

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May 19, 2005

revenge of the sith

Yes, it is finals season and i'm on lock-down, but some rituals simply cannot be broken. On 18 May 1999, i flew back from Amsterdam (with a flight full of Star Wars fans) to celebrate Jon's birthday by watching the midnight showing of Episode I with a pile of friends in Seekonk. We had seen every re-release midnight opening night, celebrated by long goofy lines and various piercings (my piercer in Providence had a small Star Wars obsession). Jar Jar aside, we were dreadfully disappointed by Episode I. Yet, i returned for the sappy love story of Episode II, once again at midnight on opening night. Given ongoing disappointment, i had avoided even thinking about Episode III until i realized the release date. Jon and i giggled as we relived college years, celebrating his birthday by romping into the Metreon for a near midnight showing with a crowd full of light sabers and costumes, chanting and even executing "the wave" as people awaited dun-dun-de-dun...

When we walked out, we looked at each other and laughed. "At least nothing sucked" we both agreed. Light sabers galore, Episode III is nothing more than an action-packed filler piece to complete the puzzle. Little dialogue, no real passion, minimal substance. There's something strange about seeing a movie where you know the beginning and know the end and are just waiting to see the interpolation. It's been almost 28 years since the original one was projected - my entire life. What a funny end of an era. Of course, i don't think that anyone at the Metreon tonite saw the original release in the theatre. We all grew up with it and somehow, needed the finale. Maybe now we've grown up?

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May 18, 2005

smart burnouts: my high school experience

When i first picked up Jocks & Burnouts, i was very reticent; the very terms in the title reflect outdatedness. But as i dove in, i realized that this was going to be a key text for my dissertation. It's an ethnography of American high school, looking at the categories that we all had. Jocks are the folks who participated in school activities and helped maintain the school's status quo. Burnouts are those who loathed the school's pseudo-parenting bullshit and did everything possible to rebel.

What i found painful reading this book is that i could not resist the masochistic desire to see how i fit into the picture. Interestingly, i found that it answered a comment that has haunted me for years. In the 9th grade, the school psychologist said that i had a 10% chance of graduating. In high school, i was neither or both a jock and a burnout. It has some history...

Continue reading "smart burnouts: my high school experience"

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April 25, 2005

prix ars electronica

I've reviewed papers, run workshops, juried for things online but never have i found jurying to be so stimulating as my experience this week at Prix Ars Electronica. Last year, when i saw the call for submissions for the digital communities category, i was utterly frustrated. While i have not resolved all of my frustrations with the call, i have come to see the value of the Prix for what it does do; i still think that the call needs to be changed to more appropriately manage expectations and make transparent intentions and process.

I suspect that it was my vocalization of discontent last year that allowed me to participate this year. Of course, the fact that someone was listening and willing to take seriously my concerns warms my heart deeply. But what i gained from this week had little to do with simply being taken seriously in my disagreements. Here was an environment where people from around the world gathered to decide how to reward practices and projects of varying types.

In our category, we were concerned with digital communities and we struggled to discuss what it meant to be a digital community, with what should be honored and valued. Joi warned me that it would be like negotiating treaties at the UN - we all had a political interest at the core of our beliefs, a value that what made digital communities important was that they enabled freedom in its broadest sense, but we all had different perspectives on how to value or support different projects. We spent a huge part of our week discussing values and politics, trying to suss out how we could acknowledge different groups. For example, there are a million vibrant communities - how can we reward one over the other? Should it be about their vibrancy? Their goals? Instead, we decided that there needed to be something innovative about their practices, something that really altered the way one should think about communities and may even be useful for other groups to know and emulate. We discussed the pros and cons of supporting different kinds of endeavors, the potential complications that could occur. (Last year, when the Prix awarded a group in Zimbabwe, they lost all of their outside funding.)

We had a long conversation about what it means to think about two axes - the process of giving people access and the process of allowing people to make their voices heard. So much of what we considered sat in this narrative. We talked about technologies themselves vs. the communities that take the technologies to a newer, deeper level. We talked about work from around the world that fit into so many different cultural contexts with so many different languages.

Outside of the jury room, we discussed globalization and community development, the history of Silicon Valley and the culture of fear, the ways in which governments can benefit or devastate local communities. I met some amazing people that i never knew who were able to give me such different perspectives on the world.

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April 18, 2005

it's real!!

OMG. It's real. I'm *FINALLY* taking a proper vacation. ::bounce::

May 29 - June 20 ... Thailand!
[conference in NYC]
June 27 - July 2 ... Family time!

OMG. OMG. OMG.

I haven't had a day off in months nor a vacation in years (and never more than a few days). I kept meaning to take one (and y'all have done wonders at giving me inspirational sites). But now it is real. (Translation: tickets have been purchased.)

If anyone has advice for Thailand, let me know. My intention is to have a vacation full of beach, yoga, meditation, massage, scuba diving and visiting monastaries. The goal is complete and utter relaxation which will be measured by the distance between my shoulders and my ears.

Oh... and a warning... Because the idea of coming home to 20,000 emails terrifies the living shit out of me, i've also decided that i'm going to bounce all emails during that period (or send them to /dev/null). I need to get the weight of email hell off of my back.

OMG. OMG. OMG. ::bounce::bounce::

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April 6, 2005

in defense of BoingBoing (or why i'm not a journalist)

Last week, i posted a link to a news article about a high school banning blogging which Cory reposted on BoingBoing. In turn, Phil Gyford critiqued BoingBoing's journalism and Clay worried about about the way memes spread. The commentary on Gyford's post is rich with anti-BoingBoing attitude (as well as some very interesting dialogues).

So many aspects of this collection of material bother me. Embedded in all of this is an assumption that what any of us bloggers do is journalism. I, for one, am not a journalist and have no desire to be one. In the case of the post in question, i put it up there for my own reference and because it references the ongoing paranoia that people have about kids and blogging, questions of its educational value, etc. I don't care one ounce about the truth value of that article - i simply care about the fact that people are talking about this, journalists feel the need to report on things this way. I'm not trying to be a reporter so much as i'm trying to document things that are of interest to me.

Truth be told, i hate writing, yet i write for a living. That said, blogging is not what i consider to be my writing. My writing comes in very formal structures, goes through peer-review and takes forever to reach its intended audience. My blog is my little land of ponderings, ideas, links, rants, etc. Much of what i write there is inexact at best. But it's my zone, my tool of procrastination and documentation. I even take Many-to-Many more seriously than my blog because at M2M, i feel like i'm producing text for an audience (and it's why i blog there much less frequently). On my blog, i'm writing it for me and those who might get a kick out of it. I don't want to be told that i have to live up to journalist's rules simply because i have an audience. I'd rather the audience go away than be expected to have to do something with that blog. The blog is for me and if it became a responsibility, it would go because the last thing i need is more responsibilities. Besides, me trying to make meaning about my life is neither of journalistic or academic caliber.

This connects deeply with what i think Cory and Xeni are doing (i don't know the other BB people as well). They are blogging the things that matter to them. "A directory of wonderful things" is not meant to be a universally agreed upon notion of wonderful. Cory and Xeni's posts are clearly what's most wonderful to them. Thus, it absolutely kills me to see people bitch and moan about BoingBoing, as though it's written for them. What makes BB special is that many of the quirky things that those characters blog are also appreciated by others. But it's not about the readers, it's not about journalism, it's about what matters to the writers. Y'know what - i'm not interested in everything that they have to say either. But it's their blog and i just skim past the things that don't matter to me. And of course they don't have open comments - no one wants to manage self-important audiences who bitch constantly. Yuck. It's not about not wanting criticism - goddess only knows that they get plenty of that all the time in every form imaginable. It's about not wanting to have everything you write be attached to constant negativity intended to make you miserable.

Perhaps i'm in a funny position because i know and love Cory and Xeni. Sure, they're quirky characters and that comes through in their blogging. And yes, they have passions that border on obsessions. Sadly, i realize that the way people are treating them looks a lot like how people treat celebrities in this culture. And, honestly, that's pretty sick.

I guess what it comes down to is that i don't really understand why readers of blogs expect so much from bloggers. I know that i struggle with this and i know that it makes some of my fellow bloggers utterly irate. Why do people expect blogs to be journalism? Why do readers expect bloggers to be attentive to them simply because they read? This causes me excessive amounts of guilt. I literally do not have the time in the day necessary to respond to all of my email or to talk to everyone who approaches me because of my blog. It makes me cringe to be called a bitch because i can't do it and i get so frustrated because people expect something from me that i can't offer. People think that having an audience of people you don't know is a blessing, but it's also a curse. And i don't know how to resolve the good and the bad in an easy way. But when i see people say horrid things about Cory and Xeni, it makes me sad because i know how much that stings. What motivates people to say these things? I mean, sure, i could go meta on the psychology of humanity, but that's not good enough. It's the difference between knowing and _knowing_.

::sigh::

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April 2, 2005

son kite (on finding heaven)

So, i'm supposed to exercise yet i'm always too exhausted to exercise (mostly cause exercising is boring). And i want to socialize but i have no time to socialize. I decided a few weeks ago to combine these two by making dancing rules. I can go dancing iff 1) i only leave the dancefloor for cigs, water, bathroom; 2) i maintain a constant sweat (which translates to staying in the psytrance room); 3) talking is done through body movement; 4) drinking is prohibited.

Last night was round 2 of this plan and it went brilliantly. I went to bed after work, woke up at midnight and went over to 1015. My *FAVORITE* DJ duo in the whole wide world was in town - Son Kite. I went straight to the front of the audience, parked myself in front of the stage and danced danced danced my ass off. Now, Son Kite is the music of my Master's Thesis. When i was working on that darn thing, i only had one CD after having all of them stolen. So i played it on repeat for the bulk of the duration of my thesis writing. The music is brilliant - it's what happens when you have classically trained musicians play psytrance with the goal of making genuinely beautiful sounds.

That said, the CD pales in comparison to Son Kite live. OMG. Not only did i get my dance on, but i got to find a meditative peace that i haven't seen in a long time. I was totally on a different plane, relaxing into the beautiful sounds. The most amazing sounds come out of them when they start playing electric violin. Wow wow wow. For anyone who has any appreciation of electronic music, you must see them live if they come to town. I brought out DnB, breaks and goth kids last night and they lurved it - a rare thing.

I came home, physically exhausted and proceeded to work all day. Exercise truly is a good thing.

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March 28, 2005

liquidate: the end of 43 Norfolk

When i moved to San Francisco, i quickly got involved with False Profit because of friends from college. FP consists of a lot of overeducated, workaholic party kids. The community had a homebase, a warehouse at 43 Norfolk. After the death of the landlord, it was sold and the new people want to move in. Thus, we are losing our space in 2 days.

As can be expected, we threw our final party this weekend. Friends flew in from around the country. 850 people showed up before we locked the doors (probably another 300 came to try to get in but we were at capacity). It was a miracle that the cops did not shut us down - perhaps they knew it was our final party... or perhaps it was our security people. For me, the party started Friday when a bunch of us got together to prep the house and just hang out. Jeff Heer helped me put together a network exhibit using his Prefuse to visualize the Friendster-based social network of my crew and their friends. We started dancing at 10. By 8AM there were still 250 people on the dance floor. When the music ended around 11AMish, there were still 60+ people dancing their asses off. As it soaked in that it was the end of an era, we gathered in a circle... there were tears. And then there was hottubbing to ease the sore muscles.

I love that warehouse to bits and i'm really sad to see it go away. I'm still not sure what it will mean for our crew. Of course, many are splintering off to go back to school. And there is a new smaller live-only warehouse (no party space).

At least we went out with style... A full-on crazy liquidation.

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March 4, 2005

clouds begin to pass

I got the phone call late afternoon yesterday and felt my heart warm. I did the practical things i promised to do in response and then sat down in my office and let the tears drip down my face - tears of relief, of joy, of love.

The worries began many months ago and Google is the perfect tool for the intermittent hypochondriac. I had been prepared for the worst but when all began to unfold, i found myself overjoyed that it had an explanation at all. As the weight of the situation began to press down, i found that i could stand firmly on my feet, balanced, grounded. There was only one caveat - i could not deal with anything minor whatsoever. Meowing cats, laundry, the smog check people, people who couldn't understand, couldn't know. I fell out of my usual habits, partially by necessity and with that came the loss of many connections.

I don't know if i was ever truly afraid - i had confidence; we had confidence. And we fed off of each other. We giggled over the practicalities, brought out our inner children, joked about Smurfs and found fascination in every scientific detail. I relished those phone calls. I stopped being able to distinguish if i was performing OK or just was OK. People worried about me, bless their hearts, and i tried to assuage their concern, whether or not they believed me. I guess it doesn't really matter - in my heart, i started believing my performance.

So when that phone call came, i got to feel the weight as it melted down my cheeks, got to see just how much i'd been carrying around. Relief is a precious feeling, a tool of joy and love. The clouds have only begun to pass - it will be many months until a clear sky is truly visible. And i don't know if things will ever be the same. Priorities become objects for inspection, as do habits. But in the meantime, i want to keep building on our childlike play.

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March 2, 2005

on advisoring

After a conversation yesterday, it occurred to me that the relationship i've had with my advisors and mentors is not necessarily typical. I've been thinking about how much is rooted in a disciplinary distinction and how much is rooted in me.

As an undergrad, i had the most amazing advisor. He took on a parental role almost immediately. He was there for me intellectually and in moments of crises. He was always making sure i was OK, the kinds of check-ins that are so important to an 18-year-old going through identity crisis. He taught me how to be a professor, how to be a mentor and gave me a level of expectation that i still hold today. At MIT, my advisor was not that much older than i and while she didn't take on a motherly role, our relationship was certainly more than simply advisor/advisee.

My current relationship with my advisor is far more like my relationship with my undergrad advisor. He's very much of a father to me and i love him dearly, both intellectually and personally. How he's doing and where he's at is very important to me.

Advisor as parent-figure is something that many of my friends have. One of them we jokingly call daddy (or Bosley depending on how goofy we're being). Many of us are deeply dependent on our advisors for funding, departmental support, collaboration and sanity, especially those of us in fields that don't have clear distinctions.

In the humanities, students publish alone while we're so used to publishing with our advisors. Students get by via TAing while we're connected to research grants. Advisors in other fields are off writing sole-authored books while ours are all working on publications with us.

I've spent the day thinking about how much my advisor means to me and i feel very fortunate to have such a relationship with him - i cannot imagine grad school any other way.

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February 14, 2005

deth to roses, candy and Hallmark cards

I have never been a fan of Valentine's Day. My resentment began in middle school when i was forced to get those awful miniature cards and craft an individual one for everyone in my class. Nothing helps me detest a holiday more than forced gifting and cards are the ultimate worst. As i grew older, i started justifying my disinterest - it's what happens when all of my unrealistic romantic dreams crash head on with my anti-corporationalism. Valentine's Day tarnishes my foolish fantasies and i resent things that get in the way of dream states.

In 1998, i had the opportunity to shift my expectation of Valentine's Day. For me, it became V-Day and for five years, i spent this season preparing a production of "The Vagina Monologues" in some form or another. I was able to turn the corporate V-Day on its head and use the time to really think through masculinist hegemony. I was able to work with battered women, with women who had gone under the knife, with women fighting for their freedom. I was able to work towards my dream state of a life without violence. This is the first season that i'm not attending a V-Day and it makes me truly sad. Unfortunately, my only excuse is my current state of hibernation and need to work.

This morning, i awoke to NPR as always. I should've known better because there's nothing like a Valentine's Day special to make me dive deeper under the covers. But there was something disturbing about it that me unable to turn it off. The discussants each wrote a book about a different psychological / neurological aspect of 'love'. I love science and i love scientific analyses of emotional states, but now the attack of my dream state was coming in two directions - attack on my fantasy and attack on my sleep explicitly.

It's funny - i definitely believe in the pursuit of knowledge and i definitely realize that much of my fantasies are complete social constructions. But i don't want to give them up to the sterility of science even though i love science. I don't actually want to be rational about everything - i want passion (however hormonally manifested) to drive me in at least some ways. Instead, my day began with the nice scientists telling me that falling in love is simply a rush of hormones and love is simply the state you reach when two people have managed to balance each other's hormones in a positively cyclical fashion. I don't want to think about the hormones - i want to feel them. So, instead, i buried deeper into the covers.

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February 8, 2005

only in san francisco

The Board of Education is expected to approve the school district's calendar for the 2005-06 academic year tonight -- but not before a spirited debate among parents over when classes should begin.

There have long been arguments among parents over whether school should start before or after Labor Day, with the former winning out the past several years.

This year, however, brings a new wrinkle -- the 20th anniversary of the Burning Man art festival in the wastelands of Nevada is scheduled for Aug. 29- Sept. 5. In an only-in-San Francisco argument, several parents are demanding that school start Sept. 6 so their children can attend the event.

-- San Francisco Chronicle

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February 1, 2005

moving

Moving is always always brutal. I might be very capable of dealing with a lot of things, but i have complete paralysis when i have to pack. So Saturday was spent staring at my room too overwhelmed to do anything. And then on Sunday, two of my dear friends came by and helped me run through the room and pack everything. On Monday, movers were supposed to arrive at 9AM. I called to confirm. They never showed. These were the same Irish men i used two years ago and recommended to all of my friends - i was *pissed*.

So we started calling around, trying to find a mover desperately. Random Chinese men from Fremont came through. They arrived at noon and started bitching immediately. Oh, so much stuff, too large couches, etc. ::groan:: I couldn't even be around their negative energy and screaming, even though i had no idea what they were saying. We got to the new place and they were awful from the get go. Ugg... terrible stairs, impossible... everything was impossible. They moved so slowly and clearly didn't have either the muscles or endurance to carry this stuff. They only moved things that went on the dolly. And then came the couches. Oh, the couches. Bitch moan. Our landlord came home and they were able to go through his apartment with the small one. It was a nightmare - everything was awful and they complained nonstop.

Finally, before we got the large one, we told them to go home. We paid them and they asked for a tip. I glared at them and said, no, i still have a large couch to move. One of my dear friends was over and he kept declaring positive attitude, we need positive attitude. Somehow, we roped my landlord into helping.

And there we were - me, my roommate, my friend and our landlord - four queers trying to move a couch. What a site! We went through the garage, around the stairs, under a tree, over the wooden frame, up three flights, into the kitchen, over the banister, through the living room. Of course, it took most of an hour. But we did it. We kicked ass and we got that couch in the living room. Needless to stay, i was strongly told that i would have to take it out in pieces or it would have to be a permanent item.. No one loves my couches as much as i do. And oh do i love them.

And then there were the cats. Marbellio sat and cowered at the bottom of the stairs until 2AM when she got curious about the boxes. Theo thought everything was utterly fascinating and romped around looking for play toys.

All and all, i'm moved into a new swank home in Mission Dolores and ready to be in a neighborhood with cafes, queers and food. My beloved neighbor already made me dinner to welcome me to the hood. I walked to Safeway to buy a shower curtain (which they don't sell) and i ran into two friends. I'm sooo going to love living here. Yippee.

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January 30, 2005

help with vacation planning

It is absolutely ridiculous that i haven't taken a proper vacation since January 2002. I'm longing to see a proper beach and do a shitload of reading for my orals while lounging in sand. The problem is that i have no idea how to best go about finding a cheap flight to some place warm. I'm curious if anyone who reads my ramblings has a good idea of where to look. I want to fly out on March 18 and want to come back on March 27 (could fly out after 8PM on the 17th and could land on the 28th at any time). Hawaii, South America, Caribbean, Asia... i don't care. Just warm, sunny, beachy and not resorty (i.e. i want to find a hostel or a bungalow or something else that is low-key). Does anyone have any suggestions of how to get somewhere for relatively cheap? Everything that i'm seeing is >$700 and won't take my miles (American).

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December 28, 2004

i'm home

Two felines sat at my door with a foul expression, clearly upset that i was gone for so long. Or perhaps i'm projecting my guilt. The holidays have been wonderful - time with friends and family, gluttonous food and culture. But i'm really glad to be home and now it's time to get back into high gear.

I will be blogging some of the backlog even though my need to understand the tsunami's effects are trumping all other activities. Information on how to help is being posted at Tsunami Help.

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December 6, 2004

finals time...

Oh, it is most definitely finals time. And paper submission time. Leaving my couch happens on rarer and rarer occasions, food comes from cans and human contact is succinct and always mediated.

Thankfully, i have The Onion to remind me of what happens when hyper-focus goes wrong:

"Taking Ritalin to study is very dangerous. If you let your focus drift, you'll spend the night scrubbing your telephone."


Danielle Carlson

Novelist

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November 11, 2004

on being a talking head

I just finished giving a talk at Sosial og Digital. It is 10AM in Norway and 3AM in Chicago. I spent the last hour talking into the ether about Friendster with virtually no visual and absolutely no audio feedback. It was a very very very peculiar thing. Here's a segment of my pre-amble for everyone's amusement:

There's something very odd about this situation. It's 2AM in Chicago. I'm sitting in a musty hotel room by myself, talking into a camera that is being projected into a different time zone. It is dark outside and even with all the lights turned on, it is still dim here. The ethernet cable is screwed into the table so that i won't steal it. As a result, i'm sitting at a wooden desk which faces a very large mirror.

If i look above the camera, i'm staring at myself in the mirror. If i look below the camera, i'm staring at the captured version of myself on the iSight. No matter where i look, i'm staring at myself talking into the ether. I'm trying very hard to resist the temptation to make faces at myself because growing up, that's what my brother and i did whenever we saw ourselves on surveillance cameras and in mirrors.

I cannot really see you. I have no idea about the temperature of your room, the smell of the morning coffee, the sense of shared presence that you're currently relishing, the looks on your face as i speak too fast. I understand that if i look down at my notes, my eyes move away from you and this must be very disconcerting since i assume that my face is ridiculously large in front of you. In order to get feedback from you, i have to wait for information from iChat, which results in me appearing to turn away just as you talk to me. It is a very peculiar situation that we're engaged in.

Of course, as a blogger, one might assume that this is a comfortable position. After all, i write long treatises and throw them into the wind, never aware of the reactions of my readers, never even aware of who my readers are. [interlude about Walter Ong and embodiment]

The difference has to do with my conception of my audience conception. For me, the plausible deniability invoked in blogging is strong. I can convince myself that i write for me and me alone ::wink:: and convince myself to be shocked when i receive feedback. I can check my stats, but those are just numbers - nameless, faceless people. Yet, here i am, speaking to nameless, faceless people, only i'm required by this situation to convince myself that you do really exist, even if i cannot see you. In this situation, i have the expectation that i am a face to you and you're just an assumption to me. It really brings life to the idea that i'm just a talking head.

Of course, the first question i got was to prove that i'm not just a Fakester talking to them from next door. I love it!

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October 28, 2004

peculiar synchronicity

After work, i stopped by to see a friend. We talked at length about research and she told me that i needed to track down a NYTimes Magazine article from about two years ago that discusses the Pro-Ana community. She thought i'd find that report fascinating.

I went home, poured some OJ and picked up the magazine on the top of the magazine stack to read some non-theory before going to bed. On the top of the stack was a NYTimes Magazine with a discussion of the architectural replacements for the WTC site. I groaned since this was one of the topics in my theory reader that i was avoiding. I noted it that it was an older Magazine, thought it odd to be on the top of our stack, put it down and went to bed.

My roommate woke me this morning when the cable modem guys came. He said that it was really strange that there was an old NYTimes Magazine in the kitchen. I told him i'd seen in too. I poured some cereal and picked up the same Magazine, avoiding the cover story. The first page i turned to after the cover story was the Pro-Ana story.

I didn't live in that house on the date it was printed. No one in that house at that time had a subscription to the NYTimes. I had cancelled my subscription to the NYTimes after their dreadful coverage of Afghan bombing. We only have about 4 other NYTimes Magazines in that stack. Strange strange strange.

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October 15, 2004

a new word: starts with 'n' ends with 'o'

When i was a little girl, my mother worked absurd hours to keep food on the table. She was always on the brink of collapsing (and on a couple of occasions did). We had this amazing babysitter - a grandmother type figure who would come and pick us up from school, take us to soccer practice and otherwise help my mother out. She loved us and my mother was beyond thankful for her help. One day, my mother came home a complete mess. I don't know exactly what prompted it but Mrs D looked at mom and said:

"Kathryn, you need to learn a new word. It starts with 'n' and it ends with 'o'. The word is 'no'!"

The memory of this tale used to always make me smile, but i never quite got it. Nowadays, i'm trying to learn the same lesson. Like my mother, i'm always excited about a new possibility, a new opportunity. But i'm definitely cracking under the weight of what i've committed to. There's nothing that makes me feel more guilty than flaking, yet i flake because i'm avoiding a more fear-driven action: having to say no. I want to be involved in everything, i want to be helpful to everyone; i want to be social and a workaholic. Much to my dismay, i cannot take on anything more for a while so i'm trying to learn the lesson my mother tried to learn 15 years ago. Of course, i don't think that my mother succeeded.

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October 10, 2004

g'bye superman

I am stunned. When Derrida died today, i chuckled at the NYTimes label Abstruse Theorist. But Christopher Reeve's death hits home on a much more personal note.

I broke my neck only months before Reeve broke his in 1995. Our injuries are very similar, only a calcium deposit in my spinal chord from an earlier gymnastics accident prevented my destiny from looking like his. Every time a doctor looks at my chart, they are stunned that i am walking. I am very lucky and very thankful. Every time i see Reeve, i am humbled.

I lose vision and hearing often and have ongoing chronic pain. Still, this is nothing compared to Reeve's story. Yet, i have always held onto the dream that through his celebrity, research would continue and there would one day be a cure that will stop the deterioration of my neck. When Kerry referred to Reeve in his answer on stem-cells, i couldn't help but get teary-eyed. Reeve has been an icon for my quiet struggle. I just hope to god that, in his memory, the fight will go on. I am sad to see my Superman depart this earth and i hope that he is dancing in the heavens.

Category: reflections & rants

   

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October 2, 2004

Love Parade

Yes, i attended the Love Parade and Mie kindly snagged a picture to prove it. What a goofy San Francisco day!

Category: reflections & rants

   

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September 25, 2004

my HIV test

I try to get an HIV test annually, but i realized it had been far longer than that and i felt guilty. I wasn't actually anxious or concerned as i haven't really been dating. Yet, ever since i started doing AIDS education in the 9th grade, i've felt that it is my sexual duty to get this test annually, just as it's my civic duty to vote. So, i phoned up the AIDS Health Project Service Center and scheduled an anonymous appointment.

The last test that i had was an oral swab; this test was a finger prick. The results come back in 20 minutes so you spend the time in between talking about why you got tested. I tried to tell the guy that i wasn't worried and that i was only doing the test because i believed in doing the test. Annually. I told them that i believed in treating it like a ritual, something you did to protect you and those you love. I think i confused the poor guy. I realize that most of the people he deals with are not in that stage.

So, instead, we talked about the role of meth in SF, the increase in STDs, etc. We talked about what it meant to be a part of a community where testing was ritual, while risk was (relatively) low. I found out that the finger prick test was because Glide kept having people come in anonymously, get tested and the test would turn up positive but they would never return to get their results. They hoped that this would help them help people be more informed. I was quite thankful for it because i hate having to go back.

I wonder if younger people still have the philosophy that you should get tested annually. I'm very thankful that i grew up with that assumption. Besides, it brings relief to confirm that i'm still negative.

Category: reflections & rants

   

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September 15, 2004

Jimmy Carter at Google

Former President Jimmy Carter spoke at Google today. He came to speak about The Carter Center, a non-governmental agency that does amazing work around the world to help the poor and suffering.

He spoke about human rights: the human right to be free, the human right to live in a good environment, the human right to be healthy, the human right to be alleviated from unnecessary suffering, the human right to live in peace. Human rights were the cornerstone of his presidency and he proudly boasted that during his four years, he focused on promoting peace - no guns were fired, no bombs were launched, no missiles were dropped. We saw a film of the great things that the Carter Center has done and he spoke of his work at Habitat for Humanity.

He answered questions from the audience. My favorite was when a Googler asked how he dealt with problematic or hostile governments - he responded with "their governments or ours? ... it's a lot easier to deal with their governments." ROFL.

(For Joe.) One Googler asked him how to assure a democratic election this year. He spoke of how in Venezuela, they use digital election ballots but everyone got a paper ballot printed out that they then submitted in a paper system. Thus, people were assured that their vote was identical to the digital system and there was a backup to be counted in case of trouble. ::sigh:: It's going to be an interesting election.

He spoke about how essential understanding other people were and encouraged Googlers to get involved in the poorer regions of their communities, to understand the people that provided services to them.

All and all, it was a bit odd. I got to shake his hand, i got to listen to amazing Democrat rhetoric with well constructed progressive framing. And yet, we all knew that he was there because Google(rs) have just made a lot of money and the Carter Center wants Google(rs) to donate.

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June 11, 2004

The privilege to not fight

[I posted this entry on Misbehaving and i would love to have folks comment over there.]

Pete, the author of the blog entry that i previously critiqued apologized in the thread. I was going to address him in that thread, but i decided that it belonged as a general discussion for all readers here.

In a sexist society, men and women do not have equal voices. Men acquires a level of auto-privilege; they don't have to fight to be heard. Women, on the other hand, are often fighting to be heard or must play into the cultural norms dictated by men in order to have a voice.

Pete argued that he was just trying to express his exasperation. I believe that exasperation must be deconstructed. What does it mean for a privileged individual to express exasperation over issues of marginalization? I mean, we've all thought "wouldn't it be great if inequality just went away?" Goddess knows i've felt more than enough exasperation in my lifetime, including the exasperation over constantly fighting to have a voice and still not being heard or being misunderstood as my voice is translated by normative culture into something unrecognizable.

With privilege comes responsibility. It is my belief that a feminist man has a responsibility to refrain from expressing exasperation over this topic because that expression is a dismissal, that expression is an execution of privilege with continues the power differential. I believe that a feminist man has a responsibility to be hyper-conscious about how he throws his voice around, knowing that his voice has undue power. In other words, i think that a feminist man needs to also take on the burden of fighting that women have inherently.

Disagree. Discuss. I want to hear what people think.

Category: reflections & rants

   

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