January 19, 1998
the last few days have been spent writing my final buddhism paper. (ok, so it has taken me more than just a few days... my writing WILL get better; determination is the key!) each nite, i have been reading school girls as a bedtime story. while reading mark's comments on writing, i realized that i have always used the pronoun "he" when talking about a single non-gendered person. thinking back, i know this is because i always got in trouble for using "they" and "she" was never allowed in my formal writing classes. why? so as i was reading school girls, i also realized that even though i used "he," the non-gendered character i envisioned had neither breasts nor penises. in addition, "it" never had hair. i firmly believe that this forcing of "he" only created a feeling within me emphasizing the super-importance as men, that they are the default sex. biologically, i know that is not true (as humans start out as women). how frustrating. i am determined to use "she" as much as possible now.
(Note: school girls is a non-fiction book about the confidence gap between men and women at puberty. it is an inside look at the difficulties that women experience and why they are so far behind men in many areas. it is a suberb book.)
Category: meditations
Posted by zephoria at 10:55 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)
January 14, 1998
last nite was an odd nite, my last nite of restfulness till i am done with all work. but it was a thinking nite. so much thinking that i could actually feel the pain in my brain. what an odd feeling. thoughts sped at a million miles a minute as we all wished we had a hypertextual tracker to keep track of each of the paths. certain things were constantly revisted: dan needs to get some; we need a hyptertextual tracker; what is thought? of course, we never did figure that one out but we ran thru philosophy as though we were reading Sophie's World. even now, i don't think that i could explain all that went thru my head so i am only going to transcribe the one passage that i managed to write down during my crazy thoughts...
-------
there is an odd sort of reality that goes on with mind altering substances. each of us has a though in our mind. we follow that thought through and through without shit. i am doing it right now. you go and go and progress all of a sudden wham!!! a reality hits you and then in each one's mind things fall off and hell, i cannot convince anyone of this since it is really hard to have a fluid thought... like he is disturbed that he is not a part of a converstiaon and that boggles him in hishead but the reality is that they are going off in a different trail.
weird constructions of reality.
like when he is talking now: great writers... total flow of odd augmented reality
my strange things: thinking how things will affect tomorrow, thinking about thinking.
a strange thought... when do you want to be a part of a conversation?
stop and reality just hits!
paths diverge and the path is ultimately interesting
ah.. solved... he gets to converse...
and it is so hard to make a point while here.. so hard to finish a thought and to say for sure this is reality
sociology.. where do these thoughts go? am thining about thinking...
we stop and make our points and go on with them until it bothers us...
Category: meditations
Posted by zephoria at 10:54 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
January 10, 1998
yesterday i ran across a begger. he was standing on the side of the road with a sign saying "Homeless: need work." it devastated me. every day at brown, i get to experience teenagers in pop-culture clothing begging for money for cigarrettes but this was different. as he passed, i could see that his boots were completely worn thru. he was about my mother's age with a long grey beard and a sad and aged look on his face, standing in the cold. it broke my heart. i wanted to stop and honestly, had i been driving, i would have. what do you say or do for people less fortunate then you? why has the deceipt of this country forced me into automatically thinking that every begger justs wants money for drugs and alcohol? why has the frequence of this horrid site numbed me to it? i have no desire to give money to large organizations because i constantly hear that they are just making money off it themselves, rather than helping people. what can i do? my heart cries in anguish.
Category: meditations
Posted by zephoria at 10:53 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)
January 7, 1998
i have spent the last four days working on a puzzle of a wizard surrounded by windlings (little faeries). it is a difficult puzzle but my mind is enjoying it. not because it is the world's hardest thing to do but because i have been able to have complete focus on it. for me it has been a sort of meditation, a working meditation of sorts and i have enjoyed it utterly. i forgot how great puzzles are...
Category: meditations
Posted by zephoria at 10:51 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
January 5, 1998
i practiced formally today (first time of formal mediatation in a while). it felt odd. i don't think my focus is strong; my mind still wanders terribly. i have decided that it is important to focus intensely on counting in my mediations. if i can focus on the counting, my mind will be clearer and that would be good. patience.
Category: meditations
Posted by zephoria at 10:51 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
January 3, 1998
Shoe and I spoke at length tonite and an interesting thought appeared: "What is romantic language and how should one deal with it?" It is an interesting question in light of Buddhism. In Japan, monks who marry do not marry individuals they love; they love individuals they marry. In the West, people are obsessed with romantic love. So what is it and does it conflict with the idea of compassion- love everyone no matter who they are. The more I thought about it, the more this idea appeared:
Romantic love is when two individuals decide to share every aspect of their life together- emotions, sex, child rearing experiences, etc. Any two individuals could fall in love with one another (assuming that they accepted the idea of compassion and practiced it). Thus, the Japanese marry and develop the love. Westerners feel that they need to find the perfect person before they can marry. Less compassion exists amongst Westerners. Although any two individuals could love one another, often it is more desireable to find someone with similar interests.
Romantic love is not bad; it is one form of compassion. Regardless, it is very important to avoid attachment in a romantic relationship. Attachment can occur whenever dependence is formed. Expectations and dependence can only aggrevate any relationship and can only shatter love or create unhealthy attachments.
An odd thought for the day...
Category: meditations
Posted by zephoria at 10:50 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
January 1, 1998
I created a group of New Year's Goals and here they are:
- Not allow others to define my priorities and ruin my goals. I want to practice diligently and relax at my house without stress over computer science
- Develop patience skills, both with myself and others.
- Meet new people and strengthen my relationships with current friends. There is no reason that friendships should falter because of stress. Friends deserve more.
- Determine my priorities and devote 100% effort into each one. No overextension of any sort. Time should be allotted for:
-- practice
-- exercise
-- three meals per day including dinner AT HOME
-- reading time
-- calling home
- Save money. There is no reason to go into debt or spend more than $20 per week. One half of all money earned shall be saved for a rainy day.
- Write with vigor. Bland emails and half-worded thoughts plague my days
- Volunteer.
Category: meditations
Posted by zephoria at 10:49 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
December 23, 1997
last nite it stormed; two feet of snow fell from the sky in confused hysteria. in attempt to see his friends, he braved the weather and for one and a half hours was on the foad. during that time his mother and i talked about many things, especially what caused his parents' divorce and what she could have done to prevent it... the conversation was great insight to Jon and his family. i firmly believe that a child is a replication of her parents with some personal adjustments based on her view of her family. without realizing it, one mimics her environment.
after he returned, the nite continued on with fun until we crawled into bed. we started discussing what i had learned from his mother. unfortunately, i scared him. like me, his father defines evil to him. what scared both of us was that his mother's description of his father could have described him. all of the traits jon has- quietness, unexpressiveness, emotional confinement- all of these were the attitude of his father (although he appears to be better than his father at expression...), the attitude that resulted in divorce. the more we talked about it, the more it killed him. he knew what i was saying but did not want to be anything like his father.
modern american society is such an odd thing. no longer do women need men for monetary survival. i have a philosophy about divorce. pre-children, every iota of a couple's attention is devoted to his/her partner and there is a constant feeling of ecstasy. when a women gets pregnant, her attention is diverted and her large belly becomes her obsession. since the husband is not nearly as attached (biology), he has two options.
1. accept this new attention and work to appreciate it at the highest level by being a pillar of support for the wife.
2. run away. seek attention outside of the home and look for other people to give him full attention.
if the husband chooses the latter, the marriage is over. not only do children unintentionally force their parents into a degree of repulsion, more often then not, if a faterh is jealous from pregnancy, he will never be an intricate part of the children's life. a parent doesn't just go thru the fun (playing ball, teaching how to ride a bike), a parent must also deal with the not-so-fun stuff (diapers, refusal to eat, fighting and temper tantrums). when parents do not work out a way to satisfiably share the responsibilities and joys of children, the child/parent relationship will always be uneven. both his and my father chose to seek attention elsewhere and neither of us knows our father.
peeking in a marital relationship's decisions is thinking zen thought. the attachment to complete attention from another human being only destroys that bond as natural changes occur. wrong mind creates jealousy of children; wrong attitude destroys marriages. accept changes with a clear mind and resolve any wrong thought before it wreaks havoc.
Category: meditations
Posted by zephoria at 10:48 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
December 22, 1997
i realized something about the CS department. i figured out what scares me about it. the department produces damn good CS students who know their shit but it does so at the expense of the students. in order to get a CS degree, you have to go thru hell. see, the classes are very time demanding and each professor expects your soul to be devoted to their class. students who want to get a degree have to give up much of their personal lives and well-roundedness. the basic requirements for the core classes do not allow flexibility for the students. the product is either CS burnout or CS obsession.
i've come to a realization that i am not the best at computer science nor do i want to be. i enjoy teaching and learning but i don't want to give up my life and my well-roundedness to be the best of the best at one thing. i often feel that i have given up so much to do computer science and that is frustrating. i still need to figure out how to successfully do this.
Category: meditations
Posted by zephoria at 10:47 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
December 20, 1997
competition is not for me. i love playing games (even "competitive" board or card games and sports) but i don't play with a competitive edge. if i win, i win. if i lose, damn... oh well no big deal. i think this is why games are fun... i don't put the world into them and i enjoy them for the general game. often when i play with others, the result of the game is that person's mood for the day this is rather frustrating and disappointing... when i was walking to a class last week, hyon gak sunim reminded me that the result of the exam would not matter in three years. the same goes with a game. when i am fort, i won't care that i lost one round of magic today in fifteen minutes. so why should i worry about it now? put the thought down; it just does not matter...
Category: meditations
Posted by zephoria at 10:47 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
December 19, 1997
what a refreshing experience. hyon gak and i ate lunch together today. after 2.5 weeks of email/phone/physical tag (the longest in his history). regardless, the experience was worth it. we talked about a variety of topics from teh formal robe that was stolen from his car to the idea of him being a lecturer at brown. no matter what the topic, the conversation was sincere and open and i felt like we were conversing 100% openly. i realized that quite often when talking with someone, we resort to talking about what that person wants to hear but this conversation was nothing like that. the conversation gave me happiness and i went back to programming in a good mindset.
Category: meditations
Posted by zephoria at 10:46 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
December 13, 1997
my efforts are noticeable. so, he and i had a fight this weekend. well, fight is an odd way of saying it.. lets say disagreement. so, he has been concerned that the fact that i am the only person that he has been with is bothering him and that we are too serious. although i do not feel that way, i understood his concerns and offered that i would not be disturbed if he wanted to see other people. he said that he was not certain but was worried about us being so serious, almost married and that it would mess us up in the future. i told him that i was not going to cage him but i could not guarentee that i would always be around when he came back.
i left and spent the nite at a friends and realized something there. although i love him dearly and do not want to lose him, i don't think my world will tumble if he disappears. i am not nearly as attached to him as i once was. he is part of my heart and soul and current happiness but losing him will not ruin me.
that was an interesting realization...
Category: meditations
Posted by zephoria at 10:45 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
December 12, 1997
sometimes an individual's karms plays such a role with another's attitude.
not as excited as i should have been, i awoke this morning grumpy about my exam. i never did feel that it tested my skills or knowledge.. so i started sulking to my exam. part of the way down waterman street, i heard my name screamed from someone's car. i looked around, confused and saw that it was hyon gak sunim. he looked at me, smiled and asked where i was headed. i explained that i was off to an exam and that we should meet later in the week. he agreed, smiled and said "don't worry about the exam. it won't matter in 4 years." he is totally right and when the professor asked how i did at the end, i said "it is over; there is nothing more i can do or say," smiled and walked out of the exam. jon looked at me, asked how i did. "it is over." every time someone asked me, i responded the same. i will know how i did in a few weeks but for now, it is over and i am happy. besides, i gained knowledge from the class.. does it matter what my "score" on the exam is? nah...
Category: meditations
Posted by zephoria at 10:44 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
December 8, 1997
why can't i just deal? why am i so attached to jon? i want so hard to let him go, to not control his life but when he does things that do not mesh with my morals, i don't know how to cope. i want him to run free and experience things but i cannot deal with the result. i don't like the idea of him with another woman without me there. i want him to understand what it is like to experience someone else but my emotions flip. it is such a battle between my mind and my emotions.
i am too attached to him. i know that. i cannot imagine being unattached. maybe this entire situation will help. i will learn what it means to not have him and then accept the unattachment. i am going to meditate on that thought.
Category: meditations
Posted by zephoria at 10:44 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
December 5, 1997
sometimes i shock myself. the last week has been brutal. too much has been on my mind. suicidal people approach me as a stable standing (since when am i stable??). my mental energy focused this week on helping people and i did so well. now, everyone is at least dealing with there current situation in one way or another. but i am not dealing so well.
to make matters worse, i have been having the most uncomfortable discussions with my boyfriend. i just want everything to work out. i just keep thinking that i cannot cage birds. i must let them fly, no matter how hard it stings. my mind knows that but my emotional state is rebelling hardcore and i don't know what to do. it is a no-win situation. grumble...
so, tonite, i got this bright idea that relaxing with a bunch of friends, willingly loosing a little bit of sobriety would be a good idea. WRONG! shortly into the nite, i was sitting in the bathroom singing two little girls by ani. let me tell you, that did NOT help. so, i walk out of the bathroom with my friend and the first thing we hear is a panik signal. i go off running, go knows what i am running from, running and afraid, afraid of me more than anything. i have never before felt out of control in myself. i learned that anti-sobriety elements really can be bad for you. i hid under someone's bed, trying to escape from myself. finally, i made it to my friend's dorm room where i proceeded to curl myself against the wall, convinced i was dying.
this whole dying thing was weird. my mind was 100% convinced that i was dying. i lay there, confused to all shit, feeling sorry for myself and trying to grasp any sense of reality or the mortal world. in my mind, i kept saying to myself, release the attachments. disengage yourself from reality. let go. it is ok to die. accept the dying. accept yourself. release attachments. clear your mind. slowly, i accepted my state, accepted the fact that i was dying and slowly cleared my mind. at one point, i knew that i was meditating. it was a strange thing because i was not thinking about it but my body was relaxed and accepting. suddenly, i felt whipplash. my entire body and mind whipped back through my entire history, backwards. trying hard to maintain a clear mind, i flashed in and out of prior experiences: the nite before's discussion wtih my boyfriend, the cheating incidents, this summer's rumor stuff... backwards backwards... clark's death, nicole's expulsion, governor's school, fracturing my neck, audrey's rape, her brother's death, camp.. backwards backwards... hideous birthmark experiences / chopping off birthmarks, breaking my arm, my parent's divorce, the adultry discovery, even back to ryan's hospitalization. i flashed in and out of my whole history, things i had forgotten about, good and bad, insane.
when i stopped, my mind was clear and i opened my eyes. convinced i was in another state (ie: heaven or hell), i openened my eyes and asked for the bathroom. it was entirely white. i wondered how i deserved heaven when i did not believe in it in the first place. slowly, i realized that i was just alive and back to normal. it was the oddest feeling. but i could accept it.
one of the things that it totally made me realize is how important clear mind is to me; i needed that in order to get by. i appreciated and loved the feeling of clear mind and it helped me thru the nite. my mind was racing and it was the only solution.
the nite is over, i hope never to go thru it again but i learned a lot about me from it. a lot.
Category: meditations
Posted by zephoria at 10:43 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
December 1, 1997
i despise dishonesty. it hurts far too many people. i have been hurt by dishonesty so many times. why do people lie and cheat? what advantage does that serve? do they feel like they get something out of it? what purpose does it serve? why do people do it?
i have been experiencing the results of people's dishonesty and i don't know how to react. i want to be mad at them while i want to feel pity for them. resolving these feelings is soooo difficult. above all else, i want to understand. what in me makes me want to understand everything? i do...
although i would like to remark more about this, i cannot unfortunately. the problems with unsecure technologies...
Category: meditations
Posted by zephoria at 10:42 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
November 26, 1997
my body conveys my gender. my gender conveys me. but why?
i am not attached to my looks, my personality can not be viewed thru a mirror.
everyone else does not seem to agree.
i am labeled, stamped, degraded, classified, clarified, portrayed and forced to fit into a persona that someone created on an anonymous server and called by the same name that i call myself. it is not me. why don't people realize this? and why do people continue to define people in such a manner?
i want to be free. free from other peoples' perceptions and midjudgments. i want to be me, not some self-degrading, self-pitying incompetent whore.
Adrienne Rich said:
If you are trying to transform a brutalized society into one where people can live in dignity and hope, you begin with the empowering of the most powerless. You build from the ground up.
Category: meditations
Posted by zephoria at 10:42 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
November 24, 1997
i turned 20 today but it did not feel much different- just another day if you ask me. why are birthdays so special? it is just a day that my mother was in agony- she should be celebrating the release of all that pain.. but then i am 20 years worth of pain.. odd how that works... regardless, another day passed and i became a year older...
Category: meditations
Posted by zephoria at 10:41 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
November 22, 1997
another san francisco nite
turquoise lights implode
entwined women shimmer
long legs end in stillettos
Manic Panik Glitter- silver
tangy tangerine dress yanked high
i never did like crayola naming system
old man rolls his eyes in disgust
"the world sure is changing"
[to me it appears to be less dungeon like;
i have a lot to learn]
dalmation drools from ten feet,
pink crayon a showin',
dog eyes a glowin'
lights from Golden Gate
make halos in the sky,
angel women
i lean back, nipples erect
frustrated that i never see Orion
Category: meditations
Posted by zephoria at 10:40 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
November 18, 1997
sometimes i feel alone. i think i have superficial comfort in the fact that jon is around. although i have been trying REALLY hard to not depend on him, not be attached, i know that i am not succeeding. i am not doing well at eliminating that crutch that his presence creates. when he is gone from me, i sometimes feel this emptiness inside of me that i don't understand. i try to not have that feeling but it just happens. his presence creates a glow that i enjoy. i like complanionship. i am bedridden right now and i don't like being alone. i want my housmeates around, not even to talk to, just to be there. i wonder what my mother experiences at home; she is so mortally alone. sometimes i realize that i wait for jon to go home, so that i won't be alone. i like having three roommates. i am never alone that way. this is unhealthy and i know that. i just have to kill my loneliness. this is my life goal- kill the loneliness, kill the dependency that i have on being with people.
Category: meditations
Posted by zephoria at 10:39 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)
November 17, 1997
uneveness bothers me. it is a silly bothersome but i was just thinking about it. it makes no sense. my body is even- left=right, symmetric. when one side hurts, it bothers me more than if both sides hurt. strange. if jon gives me a body message and focuses on one side, it bothers me. when my socks don't match, it bothers me. somethings are not even about my body though- i write with my right hand (but i like typing better because i use both hands equally). i cannot stand being mal balanced. if my body is leaning, it bothers me. i cannot sleep on tilted beds (even slightly), it bothers me. i don't like watches- i never know which hand to put it on (i used to wear two watches). when i exercise one half of my body, i must exercise the toher half equally. very odd. i never though much about it until recently but it is true. my mind always thinks of good thoughts with bad thoughts; a bad though with each good thought. i need to accept that not everything is balanced and flow with it, accept it. bringing my oddities to the surface is a good thing. that way i can think about them and not let them rule me. acceptance is good. realization is good. that is my focus of the week.
Category: meditations
Posted by zephoria at 10:39 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
November 14, 1997
november 14 i cried tonite. in fact, i bawled. not because of some torment but because i finally understood. i came home for the weekend, for my mother, to take care of her and keep her sane. it is her birthday and i did not want her to grow another year old alone. she is so sad as it is. we talked about her life and the pain she went thru. for some reason, it made sense tonite. she has told me many of the same stories many nites before and i would listen as a dutiful daughter but tonite it hit home. i understood. the realization that i finally understood hit home just a moment ago and i started crying. tears rolled down my eyes and i did not try to stop them. i did not need to hide from myself. the truth was inside me
we sat there for hours, holding each other, talking about this and that. the important things, the important moments. there has been so much sadness in the family and it is devastating. i am sad for her. both of us sat in our living room, bereaved in pain over the recent deaths and past frustrations. then, we both breathed and we both knew and that knowledge was shattering. i hugged her and we sat like that for a long time, knowing that the pain was over, the time was over and the past was finally in the past. it was one of those perfect hugs. and the tears flowed, releasing all of the past with them...
Category: meditations
Posted by zephoria at 10:39 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
November 10, 1997
i received an email today that made me contemplate some of my expressions. i have been known to use two expressions over frequently-
one summer i was at a program (one of those where you learn something). halfway thru the program many of my friends were paniking about their projects, concerned about their well being and sanity. i too had gotten that out of control enthusiasm combined with mental insanity that drives all of us nuts. suddenly, i sat back and questioned why were paniking. did it matter if we did not get the problem correct? no. the world would not end. if our attempts to understand something failed, rather than paniking we should seek out information. we started referring to the problem at a not worry problem.
not worry turned into no worries as the years progressed and the phrase has come to be of great importance to me. there is no need to drive yourself insane for menial tasks. it defeats the purpose. worry about what is necessary. forget what is in the past and don't panik about the future. sanity will come from there.
Category: meditations
Posted by zephoria at 10:38 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
November 9, 1997
recently, i have become rather good friends with a freshman (ie: newbie to brown). she mirrors me in so many ways that we have great discussions about what she is going thru, new to brown, dissimilar to many of her classmates. there is always something so majestical about looking back at your own past thru the eyes of someone else. having had most of those headaches and heartaches, i relate well and can give advice when she seeks it. but regardless of how much i can help her, i have been given the opportunity to reflect on my decisions from last year.
embittered by my unit mates horrid attitude towards college (stereotypical $30 grand party), i sought independence immediately. well, i found the opposite - the cs department. although neither group was me, i learned a lot about myself during my first year here- who i am, what i want in friends and how to treat friends. it was a good well needed lesson. i also learned the importance of accepting everyone even if you don't agree. regardless, seeing myself has been interesting..
Category: meditations
Posted by zephoria at 10:37 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
November 2, 1997
right attitude is important. i know that. or at least my mind does. it is not about sitting or what you do when you are thinking about being in right attitude. it is what is displayed when you are not thinking about right attitude. yet, that does not seem to hold true sometimes.
many of my thoughts are directed towards right attitude and "being good" but i am not always capable of keeping up with them... like when i am in pain. for some reason nothing good happens when i am in pain. all i want to do is crawl in bed until it goes away. i can comfortably overcome mental pain rather well and let it fly by, like when i am annoyed at something or angry with someone. but when my hands hurt, i am paralyzed from living. why? how do i make it better? that is my thought of the day.
Category: meditations
Posted by zephoria at 10:37 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
October 29, 1997
one of my computer science requirements is a course called cs51. although the professor is extremely nice, he is also known to be rather dull and confusing. to make matters worse, he knows that he is dull and confusing but this does not manage to eliminate this problem. every day i enter his class feeling semi-confident about the topic at hand only to be utterly confused by the discussion or shall we say lecture. i get angry at his inability to teach and am always smacking my head thinking "how can this man be allowed to teach?" i know that he is nice but i still always walk out of the class being pissed.
on a regular basis, i speak with both the tas and the professor about this problem, ask him to be concrete and he goes about his merry way. i depend on the tas to "reteach" me everything that i do not gain from class.
like any other day, today was a repeat of these problems. i walked into class feeling rather confident of my understanding of fsms and was quickly confused by every word that exited his mouth. i asked questions and he seemed annoyed by my confusion. my mental response was to get annoyed- pissed that he did not try to relate to his students, angry that he constantly told us that we understood and that is why the class was good (even though every person in the room had some form of perplexity on their face), frustrated that he did not try to make it better.
then something dawned on me. i was being completely unfair. he knew that noone understood and was frustrated himself. he truly had no clue how to help us. he felt out of control of the class because of the distance between us and him but he did not know how to fix it. rather than verbally acknowledge the problem, he constantly tried to convince himself that we really did understand by verbalizing this. when students asked questions, it was obvious of the gab and that flustered him. he was afraid of the truth and of the fact that he was doing a poor job. more than likely, he will never be able to communicate with us about models of computation. even his book that he constantly admires is only a way to cover his fear of our confusion and the reality that he is not getting thru to us.
so, i sat back and relaxed, no longer angry. i am now fully aware that, for me, the class is pointless. i will continue to go (and continue to be confused) because it would hurt him so much for us to not go. but, i will not worry about the material. i will talk to the tas and try to understand outside of class. and i will continue to give him advice but i will not expect anything from him. it is the expectation that makes me frustrated. when i expect him to teach well and he lets me down, we both lose. if i expect nothing but gain knowledge then i will not be at a loss.
Category: meditations
Posted by zephoria at 10:33 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
October 28, 1997
for the last few days, one thought has been on my mind- "kill your parents." it was just one of the words said at a dharma talk two weeks ago... i have no idea how to kill my mother. the monk was 100% right though- i am entirely attached to my mother. i had not thought about it before that talk but it is so true and i have no idea how to stop it.
it is a pretty uncomfortable battle. i love my mother and she me. we have a very close bond. she does not understand many of my decisions and we argue thru everything. she is often the first person that i contact when i need to talk thru something with someone. and she depends on me. it is definitely mutual dependence.
i am also attached to her monetarily- i am in college and i don't have the money to fund my way so she does so willingly but requires certain things of me because of it.
how do i kill my mother?
Category: meditations
Posted by zephoria at 10:33 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)
October 27, 1997
mmm.. good meditation this morning. i love meditation. it was the first time that my leg ever fell asleep and it was a weird feeling but not one that stopped me. i was awake and enjoying the meditation and relaxed within myself. i am still a bit nervous about interviews on wednesday but they can't be that bad. even jon came with me this morning!
and then tonite! wow! zen master dae kwong came and answered questions- i really like him too. he is relaxing and calm. also, we had a five minute meditation that flew by soooooo fast! it was amazing! i never thought it would go so fast...
i have been having this thought on my mind though.. why does buddhism say that drugs are bad? is it the attachment or the substance? hyon gak sunim mentionned that many people of his generation in zen got involved in zen thru acid and whatnot. even dae kwong tonite mentionned drinking in social settings. yet i remember readings saying that drugs are bad. what is the deal?
Category: meditations
Posted by zephoria at 10:32 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
October 23, 1997
i had a dream last nite (and not one of those world changing types).
for some reason, my entire community (composed of all my friends and loved ones) was away from our homes (which all existed in succession of each other in some far away world). late in the afternoon, we all came home to see that our entire community had been demolished. although some random items were taken aside to be saved (stuff like bed sheets and kitchen knives), most of our precious belongings were destroyed when they collapsed our dwelling. the entire community was hysterical- everyone was screaming and crying and angry and pissed off. but i wasn't. i was standing in the middle of all the hysteria, scratching my head and wondering why the government hadn't asked us ahead of time- we would have moved..
Category: meditations
Posted by zephoria at 10:32 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
October 21, 1997
well, i got frustrated today. actually a lot frustrated me today. it was a frustrating day. but one thing happened that was rather odd. i went to the religious studies building for their open house to check it out. i knew that i did not like one of the profs and figured that if i was going to possibly major in it, i needed to meet other profs. so, i went to the reception.
almost immediately, i started talking to someone, a professor. he asked me about my interests and if i had taken religious studies courses. i mentionned rs3 and started talking about my current religious studies course. very excitedly i mentionned that i was doing a religious studies course with mark unno about zen buddhism. he seemed disguested from the start for no good reason and started quizzing me about what i was doing. still excited, i spoke about the course and how everything was done over the internet and how it was a very rewarding experience. well, things went downhill from there. he was pissed off that i could get credit for such a thing, saying it was against university policy and was not in the name of education. he kept ranting. i mentionned that brown was specifically interested in helping people learn what is interesting to them thru alternative means. he flipped stating that it was only acceptable with tenured professors or something and i mentionned that it was thru a tenured professor, or at least the supervision was. and he flipped. he kept going, annoyed at me.
rather than getting angry or pissed, i just left. as soon as the conversation took a pause, i grabbed a cookie and slipped out the door.
i learned something today. actually, i learned a few things. i love brown's open policy. if it was not for my buddhism class, i would be absolutely off my rocker right now. i also realized that i do not want to major in religious studies. the topics intrigue me but this university does not have the quantity of profs for me to major happily. i love what i am doing and i will continue to do it.. but i don't care for the brown religious studies department- it is not me. that was my lesson of the day. now back to my frustrations with cs31..
Category: meditations
Posted by zephoria at 10:31 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
October 20, 1997
ok, so i had a _complete_ mental breakdown last nite - 100% crashed, on the floor bawling, uncontrollable hysteria, hyper-confusion, hyper-furstraion, anger, annoyance, loss of any contral whatsoever - complete breakdown.
so, it was 12 o'clock and i was working on riscque, my current cs31 assignment. it was the only time that i could meet with someone to discuss my frustration and confusion, to be set straight so i could start the assignment. all i wanted to do was go to sleep so that i could wake up for morning meditation. it was the one thing that i wanted to do. but as i watched the clock tick minutes and my confusion grow, i realized that i would not be in bed in time to get up... (i have found meditation futile with less than four hours of sleep).
as i was trying to understand the assignment, thought os the weekend seeped into my brain. [what a wonderful friday with the monks!] [you spent all of saturday doing cs51!] [fire and water was soooo cool and relazing] [today was stressful- all day in teh CIT and it was such a beautiful day out] [why are you doing this anyhow?] [you are not enjoying this!] [you have sleep class tomorrow and have not done any of the reading!] [idiot! when is the last time you did any reading for sleep?] [or for classics? you got an "a" on a paper without doing any reading!] [classics reading is fun but you don't have time for it!] [you have been skipping exercise on a regular basis lately!] [where is all your time going?] [COMPUTER SCIENCE CLASSES!!!!!!] [the only thing that keeps you sane is your buddhism class - not the readings but the practice] [but computer science is eliminating all time for practice and reading] [your life revolves around computer science!] [why? you are not enjoying it!] [what aobut cs32? you won't make it thru that class - your wrists will give way!] [if you get thru that class, it will be all good, you would be home free...] [but if your hands crash, it will be the final time - you will never be able to do anything with your hands again - look at todd!] [but your mother will kill you if you drop it! it is your only worthwhile interest!] [but your life will be ruined by it] [but there is no way of getting around it. you have eliminated everything in your life to be able to do it - just get thru that one class!] [but what if? why? AHHHHHHHHHHHHH]
and i lost it.. my mind exploded. i was so frustrated, so confused and so angry that i had to make this choice. i was trying to figure out what i loved about it anymore and the only thing that came to mind was cs15. i loved that course, for all the glitz and the glamor! it was fun, caught my interest and intrigued me. but i have not enjoyed anything beyond that. 16 was fun. 22 was horrid. teaching cs4 and cs15 was an absolute delight. the people are terrible. the hours are horrid. the pain is unbearable. and why? my hands hurt now! why?? and i couldn't hold it in... i made friends with my only privacy - the bathroom.
curled up in the corner below the window, next to the tub, face in one hand, roll of toilet paper in the other, i let the tears stream down my face in agony. i cried, i bawled... hysteria set in and i could not control it. all i wanted was a panacea to this whole big problem - the problem of where my life is going? the problem of what am i doing? the problem of why?
stuck in that level of insanity, i did not know where to go... the only person i wanted to talk with was my mommy... it was 3am or so. jon came in, hugged me but had no idea how to help me. i had no idea how he could. i made up my mind to call my mom...
i tried to calm myself down as i headed downstairs towards the phone. luckily no one was home so i crept into the living room, put on someone's sweater which lay in the middle of the floor and curled myself in a ball on the black fancy couch. i picked up the phone. it rang three times and ryan picked up. i know he was confused... he got mom and once i heard her voice, i lost it again.
Well, she calmed me down and we started talking. her voice is so soothing. i spilled my brain, telling her all my frustrations with cs and with my work and with where i am going, etc. she started asking questions.
how are you feeling about your house? i love it - i love coming home to it, it makes me so happy! but i am so jealous when i look outside the CIT and see my housemates reading or relaxing, playing music or doing art on the front porch. i want to be home more. if i had time to read, i could do it at home... but i don't... hmmm...
how is jon? one other good thing in my life! i feel so good around him. i chuckled and we talked about how i could never imagine breaking up with him and how everything is perfect and whatnot. how are your friends for the most part, everything is fine. xxx is super-hyper about everything and i never see her. somehow, i don't think we are on the same wavelength about everything. that is frustrating. she is constantly annoyed at me but does not tell me why. and she always bites my head off for no reason. xxx is really good although i never see her either since she has too much to do all the time. my housemates rock. jon rocks. all that is good...
actually, the only thing right now in my life that is going terribly wrong is computer science and my fear of cs32 and the amount of time i spend dealing with cs!
are you enjoying taing? again, i love it. i love teaching. i love the lightbulbs.
but it is cs. but it is the glitz and glory class. yeah, it was hard but it was fun and the results were cool and the class was exciting!
how are the people going in cs? it's at the whatever stage. i can cope with them. they don't impact my life much except to keep reminding me that i don't belong here. sad part is they are probably right.
what about san francisco and your exciement about working there? yeah, i am still psyched to do that but i can't do that if my hands crash in 32 and i can't do it if i don't take 32. it's a catch-22.
what do you like about your current classes? 51 is models of computation. i don't know if i like the material. since i don't understand the material as presented in class and the book is written by the same professor so it makes the same lack of sense to me. i love scheme, the language, but i don't understand what i am supposed to do in scheme. when someone explains the concept, the programming is easy. the homeworks are impossible since i don't understand the material. cs31 is a different story - the material is interesting, the class is interesting, but the work takes too much time - there is always more than one assignment out and the result of everything i do is that i don't apparently understand the material. i thought i understood what we were doing, but the exam did not test any of that. in fact, the only result i got out of the exam is "ha ha, we know more than you!" and it pissed me off. our exam did not test anything we learned. as a result, it makes the class miserable. constant negative feedback does not encourage me. it utterly discourages me. and the prof decided that the class is too easy so he is adding a hard core program to the end of the semester - a compiler! i don't understand a compiler and i am not accustomed to writing that much code! what am i going to do? i thought this class would reexcite me about cs since i found the material interesting but to no avail.
and they want to attract people! that is the big problem with computer science. courses are hard and they like em hard. pascal, the teacher of 31 said on the first day of cs31 that the class is too easy and that he wants to make it harder. no one wants to make the classes easier. they want it to be a more exclusive club. classes that are hard stay hard (or try to get harder). classes that are easy get hard. i expected that cs31 would be pretty simple but the prof does not want that. in fact, the average on the midterm exam was in the 40s! mom, remember a teacher can make the class hard- the tas are the graders and the people that hold hours, etc. the problem with computer science is that it implements the snowball theorem- always keep making it harder!
What things related to CS do you like?
teaching
HTML & web stuff
unix
programming on my own terms
I just don't think I can cope with the bullshit of majoring... it doesn't really relate to what i like... another friend of mine dropped cs on friday because of this...
but if you do cs, won't that help you with what you like?
assuming i can get through cs
don't you only have one or two classes left? 3 - cs32 and two classes of my choice... but cs32 stands in my way...
what do you want to study? and being a buddhist monk is out! why? being a monk (actually nun) is the only thing that sounds interesting right now! i am not paying $30,000 a year for you to be a nun! besides, do you really want to give up everything? mom, buddhist nuns can be married and have kids. regardless... fine! but i have no idea what i want to study! if i did, i would be studying it!
danah, what do you want? i don't have a solution for you! i know... i just needed someone to talk to... i need to take time off and get away from here.
you can't quit. in 6 months, your loans will kick in. you have a responsibility to yourself and to me. when you started, you knew that. when i started, i thought i knew what i wanted. i was wrong. and i just want to take a pause
danah, you can't quit and you can't pause... that is what the summer is for. you have been miserable since you have been at Brown. first it was your roommate, then your hands, then the cs boys, now this. what do you want? I DON'T KNOW! but i can't handle this anymore. [breakdown]
discussion continued... we talked about possible majors and whatnot. i had no clue what i wanted. all i knew was that my life is completely out of control. i don't know what the direction is that i should take, where i should go or what to do.
we agreed that a solution could not be reached tonight and started talking about next semester. mentioned that the one thing that i really wanted to do was coordinate BACH and we agreed that that is a bad idea. my life is too out-of-whack for that to be feasible or even reasonable. being responsible for other people is stupid when i don't know how to be responsible for me...
what a mess! still confused and frustrated, we acknowledged that a decision could not be made any time soon and that i just need to figure something out...
so we said goodnight and i went upstairs. i didn't want to be touched or anything. my hands hurt so i just went to bed. hours later, i should have gotten up for class but i had no desire. i was too burnt. so i didn't. and i didn't get up for exercise. i just stayed curled up in my ball avoiding the world happily.
when zephyr finally woke me, i took a relaxing shower and went back to my room. dan and i started talking about the previous night. he had no advice so we started talking about the one aspect of cs that i currently enjoy - teaching. he asked why i didn't just go off and teach cs in high school. in many ways, he's right - i would love it but if and only if my students wanted to learn... i don't know how to teach people that don't want to learn. and could i cope with the politics of education? my experience was so miserable... regardless, it is an interesting option... so my miserable night ended...
Category: meditations
Posted by zephoria at 10:30 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
October 19, 1997
i am peeved. i just sat through an hour and a half of two tas yelling at each other over what the correct answer. this would be perfectly acceptable if it wasn't a class where i have a midterm in two days, don't understand one word of what is going on and this was the help session. so, confused and frustrated i started to think...
why am i in cs? yeah, i enjoy programming; it is fun. i don't even know if i want to do it for the rest of my life and the classes that i have to take confuse me more than help me. i don't understand what i am doing and i spend more time on those activities than on anything else. most of the computer science classes should be the only thing that you do that semester for the amount of time that it takes up. shu had one good point the other day: computer science warps your idea of "long time." someone tells me that something will take a lot of time so i think 30/40 hours and they thing 8/10 hours. weird.
doesn't it seem pointless? i am just so confused and i feel like i am wandering with no direction and that that is bad. i am failing exams (even though everyone else is, it is frustrating). yeah, i can let it go but isn't that a problem? i am letting everything go so now i am more confused. argh! frustration!
Category: meditations
Posted by zephoria at 10:30 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
October 18, 1997
i have a question in my mind: what are my priorities?
just in the simplest, should i get up at 6:30 am for meditation when i went to bed at 2 or should i make my own meditation time that fits my schedule? what is the advantage of doing 6:30 am meditations on non-mwf days? quite often due to committments it is not possible to go to bed early- if i could, i would gladly get up but i feel that i am depriving myself when i don't sleep in order to meditate. maybe i am wrong or have a bad attitude, but that is where i am uncertain. regardless, it bothers me...
and what about other things? zen readings say that one should not forget meditation in order to do something else. well, this is my frustration. quite often i feel responsibility to that something else and would like to do it. i have found that it is better for me to skip that timed meditation and do what i need to do in the "real world" with a meditative mind. my life is going so much smoother now, not because i meditate at 6:30 am but because i apply that mentality to my daily rituals. for example, last nite... i love cooking but quite often it can be such a drag. you cook for many many hours, build up a sweat, smell and don't get much else done. often my mind starts to view it as a chore. but, with a clear mind (cook after meditate), cooking is an enjoyable venture- building something with your hands and relaxing after the day. same with most chores. now, if only i could get that view when doing school work...
Category: meditations
Posted by zephoria at 10:29 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
October 17, 1997
what an enjoyable, exhilerating evening! a few weeks back, i extended an offer to hyon gak sunim to come to finlandia and experience what our coop was like- dinner and everything. last nite he came. the house got super-excited and cleaned! well, at least as much as is possible when you are dealing with a coop. john and i made veggie pad thai. well, that was all we were going to make until we looked outside the kitchen at 6:50 and saw 30 some odd people (many new faces) who heard about the monks and were excited to hear them speak! so, we all rushed and threw together some couscous and tofu and veggies and whatnot... all was good.
the monks came (hyun gak sunim and hyon moon) and seemed delighted by our atmosphere (and we were excited to have them there!) everyone ate lots of food (to the point where tummies were overfull). questions went both ways- housemates asked about zen, monks asked about house, both groups discussed zen and philosophy. hyon gak sunim entertained everyone with stories of how many buddhist/zen people got involved thru illicit drugs and how they got their master to explore it (his only thoughts were: same as always, nothing different even after 4.5 hits of acid). the coop was rolling on the floor. both monks told stories for hours and the coop responded with joy!
then there was zephyr. we have this 6 month old mut of a dog who is precious. zephyr is always around and is the most friendly of all dogs alive. the monks loved him and he loved the monks. they were so overjoyed by showing his zen nature to others and playing with him, wishing the zen center could have a dog.
after the meal, we gave the monks a tour of the house and hyon gak sunim and i discussed the possibility of a zen cooperative. they were impressed with the similarities between their atmosphere and ours and we were impressed just talking with them. the final laughter of the evening was when hyon moon (who is not fully comfortable with english) blurted out "what are pot heads?" after seeing the wall. we lost it and hyon gak sunim had to explain...
the nite went so well. i walked out of the house afterwards with such a large smile on my face. shu and i went on to fire and water where i was just at peace with myself. i went to bed smiling....
Category: meditations