Category Archives: prosperity

what an emotional time of the year.. i always think that i am not handling it until i look at my friends around me…

i just got a message from a friend who just got out of the mental institute… he can’t come back to school any more. it’s scary because there is a high probability that i won’t ever see him again, a high probability that he will lose it at one point kill himself. and i don’t know how to prevent that and that terrifies me.

and then another friend is a bit haywire in his own mind… and i feel at a loss of what to do and feel like i make things worse rather than better.

not being able to help friends who have completely lost it is quite scary, quite bothersome, quite disturbing. what to do? how to help? i don’t know if i can or if i should or what i could do… it is frightening, so frightening…. it almost makes me numb because i don’t know what else to do, what else to be. imagine.

ok, life went on hiatus for a while so, not surprisingly, so did the diary writing… but i am back, writing to a silly little online diary because i am lonely again. i don’t think that i could ever do well by myself alone – i think i would drive myself insane, possibly to my complete and utter detriment. i mean, maybe i would learn but it aches so badly…

i have a friend here who is quite content in his own world, quite comfortable in self-sustained life, life by himself. it absolutely dumfounds and amazes me because i am so incapable of living like that… you see, i need people around me, the sound of life, beings intertwined and mingling. i don’t like to sleep alone, i don’t like to be alone. i would rather be unproductive and with people that be by myself, although i admit i write more and do a lot more when i am alone. constant reminder to myself that i will not be the most productive individual in the world, but i can also accept that. so what does it mean that i cannot handle my own head? what am i afraid of? what pushes me to different places, makes me so depressed and confused and creates this aching feeling that i only know how to call loneliness?

i am (trying to) finish up the school year.. what a bi-a-tch. i am just not very motivated to be doing schoolwork right now, even though i should be, or at least need to be. i don’t know why but school just doesn’t feel right right now.. i guess i am not in the mood or something. but i just need to finish and get it overwith, as much as i am going to regret the rush later… i like school, i like learning, but right now i am just not handling it. that creates a stale reality – where you know you want to do what you are doing but you can’t mentally afford it. hrmmpft. i think that is why i can’t do cs grad school next year. i really do want to do it but i am just not in the mindset for it yet and if i go without being in the mindset, it will become a waste of time for both me and my prof. i am motivated to learn though.. which is why i am thinking of going to art school, as nutty as that seems!

it is funny how a semester sorta just runs past you and all of a sudden BAM! that was the end of it. well, i am sorta seeping towards the endline on this one yet everyone around me is done, complete and happy! so difficult.. but i partied with them last nite to indicate the beauty of finishing up, of getting to the end. two people that i adore and know well and two people that i barely know and i got together and had a flipping good time, complete with cuddling and comfort, lust and passion, happiness. it was quite intense and in so many good ways. i got to see the mental insides of this group in so many new interesting ways, interacting and playful. it was a good way to spend the evening and well worth the craziness to make it happen.

ok.. must motivate.. must work.

arrived in venice today after flying through de gaulle. somehow, i was just utterly confused about the entire process. but that is also me… i crashed pretty hard at the hotel upon arrival (figures) because i just preferred to sleep than to be tired and touring. besides, it was raining and i still don’t like rain. i listed to ani’s new album over and over again; i think i will have it memorized soon.

so i am spending large amounts of time with my partner for the first time since our big fight and i am starting to realize something about him. i think what drives me nuts about him is that he brings out so many things about me that i don’t like. for example, around him, i feel lazy and clueless, confused and disinterested, generally inadequate. i don’t know what about his presence does that to me but i recognize it more and more that this is what has been driving me nuts. what is it about his mannerisms, his way of action that makes me feel this way? i find it so peculiar, and quite disturbing within me.

so, we awoke at 7pm this time and decided to wander for food. we wandered for a long time, only finding snack shops and mc’ds and a really expensive restaurant. i started noticing how much i glared at the italian men and avoided their glaze. i think that italian men sketch me out in such a big way. part of me wants to look like a big dyke so that they will leave me alone but i am also afraid of the consequences of that decision. either way, i want to avoid the italian men. eek! i don’t get why i think they are so repulsive but they really really bother me… damn, all of my negatives are just seeping out of my pores!

so, my partner and i found a place to eat, a little caffeteria type place and we went in and got really good pizza and other foods. as we tried to pay, the lady kept trying to tell us something in italian but both of us looked sooo clueless. apparently, it was 1/2 off day if a boy brought a girl. and there i was, a girl, trying to pay for the two of us. to make matters worse, i tried to pay 10 times as much since these liras confuse the hell outa me. so, only hours into being in italy and i have to deal with machismo! i looked around and realized that not a single woman was there alone or with other women; they were all there with men! i don’t know if i am prepared to be in a male male male culture, as if mine is not.

so, strange days emerged and there are more to come, i am certain. for now, i think it is bedtime!

i called my grandfather today and i started crying. i don’t think he realized that i was crying but i was. see, as much as i tell myself over and over again that everything is going to be all right, i am partially afraid that it is not going to be. i am afraid that he won’t make it and i don’t think that i could handle that. what if that was the last time that i heard his voice?

to make matters worse, it think he is scared too. i have never heard him mention the crash from the war but when i asked if he was nervous, he said that he learned a lot from the crash about how to deal with hospitals and what to think. thus, he is not nervous, just ready. well, i am glad he is being at least verbally sane because i don’t think he is as calm as he is pretending to be.

anyhow, surgery in two days. let’s pray.

I HATE COMPUTERS

Today has been a bad computer day. My keys are now broken; I have to send my computer back to the manufacturer. How annoying is that? Frankly, it annoys me oh-so-much. I just want to have a working happy computer.

And computer companies piss me off. I lose my warranty if I open my computer up. I lose my warrenty for practically everything. How irritating. They won’t send me a new computer; I have to wait forever to get one.

Grr.. damn computers.

i am fighting with my body again. not surprisingly, i am on the rag and angry with my body. i find myself tearing it apart constantly, as though that will make me feel better. i look into a mirror and genuinely don’t recognize myself. yet, if i pick at the small itsy pores, it feels a bit better until i move away again and recognize that i tore apart something that i don’t recognize. i see my eyes and i can see into me and know it is me, but it doesn’t look like what i imagine myself to look like. it is as though each time i pass by a mirror, i am always shocked. you would think that i am at least used to who i am by now but somehow, that doesn’t seem to be the case. i am just confused. what is this self-loathing? why am i so down on myself as a person and as a physical entity? i think that i intentionally treat my body like shit because i feel so disconnected from it. only that cannot be a good thing. but i don’t know anything more appropriate. i love ani’s quote: “this is not who i meant to be; this is not how i meant to feel.” somehow, i feel that is so true. no matter what, i don’t feel like i really know myself and certainly not the physical creation that is me… oh, what to do?

what an amazing weekend i had! i went to new york for the conference on vagina monologues. there were 100 women and 4 gay guys there which was great. i arrived in new york all tired and cranky, not so thrilled that i was having to be there.. but things changed.

at one point, i was sitting outside smoking a cigarette. a crazy girl came up and asked if i could share. of course. we started talking and she already knew everything about me! one thing led to another and she came with me to meet various friends downtown for some drinks. we went, had a good time, chilled out. at one point, this icky boy tried to hit on me and the girl just kissed me and got him off my back. teheh. so we bar hopped and got drunk and got to know each other really well. she is super super cool. we had a great time.

next day, organizational events actually start. craziness begins. i met some wonderful people instantaneously. talked to a gonna-be-lawyer dyke over a cigarette. she was crazy, following the system just in order to change it. tremendous.

the dykes teamed up… slowly all of the dykes were friends and we just started hanging out. at one point, eve has us all moan. that was the end.. now a lot of horny dykes.

we went to see the broadway version of the play (i cried in bosnia, of course). then we headed to the dinner with everyone and the dykes sat together getting to know one another. intense. i lusted after a girl with an amazing body.

we headed to the meow mix, a lesbian bar downtown. the girl that i thought was so unbelievable starting flirting with me. we danced and played, relaxed and drank. it was beautiful. not too long later, we were kissing and she was so amazing. i couldn’t believe it. we talked all nite, got to know each other and have a blast. it was amazing. we took a shower together and curled up in bed together. ah.. so nice.

a description of my halloween:

So, its me. Post halloween and (surprisingly) still alive. So last nite, all hallow’s eve.. nite of mass insanity. Well, a party was to be thrown called “stargazer” and it was going to be the party of parties. The organizers had it all planned out.. 150 tickets only, prepurchased treats (so no random putzs selling), the place was SET for the picture perfect rave. Costumes mandatory, anything goes.. bizareness. Location not disclosed, meeting points.. — basically a damn well planned rave!

So, me being me, recognizing that it would be UNFUCKING BELIEVABLE HOT inside of an indoor rave with lots of people, decided to bring out her Burning Man wear… well, sort of. So that I was not ENTIRELY naked, I went to Miko (sex shop) and bought a cute little pink thongy things. So, donned in silver powder (same stuff inside an etch-a-sketch), I had a bitty pink thing to cover my parts. I had shaved off EVERYTHING so it looked a bit surreal. Add my pink feather wig and damn, was i cute and unrecognizeable. Perfect. Thinking rave rave rave, should be fun.

So, meander, wander, end up at meeting point. Surrealness starting, people crazy. We end up at the party, it is PHAT… craziness everywhere, absolutely unbelievable.. Party party party.. people are starting to peak on various substances (I would say 10% of the people are actually sober). I am sitting with various people smoking pot in a room after ?1.5 hours? of the party. My throat starts itching so I decide to leave the room and head for the more airy part of the place. I start notice that EVERYONE is coughing and I see someone cough up blood.. My mind is really confused. I head towards an open window and, outside, there are 3 cop cars and a LOT of random people. As I am leaning outside, I notice that a guy is breaking into various cars and everything in me starts racing. (I have my car here.) Word gets out, the cops were trying to get in, the producers weren’t letting them, they peppersprayed the entire place through the one door. Everyone out now. They will be back to arrest in 20 minutes.

SHIT. Having planned to stay the entire nite, I was nowhere near capable of driving nor had any desire to do so. Generally, bad idea. Well, thank goodness for straightedged vegans. One of my housemates was dressed as Waldo and I’ll be damned, Waldo can be found when needed! So Waldo agrees to drive my car and the other straight-edged vegans split up to take care of all of the not-so-straight VERY FUCKED UP people. 150 people rush outta that place, all practically puking.

Well, this was not exactly the part of town that I wanted to be in, dressed as a silver and pink poofball, practically naked. Apparently a lot of the locals hang out in that parking lot… So, catcalls start, noises, everything. All of the women who were wearing not-a-lot were getting eyed and grabbed at. Needless to say, I am in an anxiety attack. I had just seen more cars with their windows smashed and I am FRANTIC. Waldo and 2 friends and I are rushing towards where I parked the car. People were circling around me and I was paniky. Then I saw this guy getting into a car with a club on it and the person fiddling with the club. It was a dark car and I just POUNCED on the poor guy. Me, pink and silver poofball, threw a random guy in all black up against a car very hard. Oops. Well, it wasn’t my car and I realized that after about 10 seconds and the fact that the guy had NO idea why I had pounced on him.

I apologized profusely and ducked into my car (literally next to his). Well, the black-donned individuals starting circling my car and Waldo was FLIPPING out, trying to get my club off of my wheel and being like shit shit shit… Cars coming at us, general insanity. We get outta there. Now, for those who know Providence, we are in some sketchy district of Federal Hill. Egads. So, on the way back we pass a million coppers because of where the station is. People are puking blood out of the car windows, everyone is just trying to make it up the hill safely.

I am still a naked poofball.

Everyone agrees to drop me off at my old house, a coop that is having a party, because it is a safe place for me and I am still quite naked. They drive my car back and bring me back safe clothes for later. Well, nakedness amongst random drunken guys did not suit me so I headed upstairs to the bathroom that I knew and loved and talked to myself… calming myself down and back to reality. Definitely a one-on-one scenerio.

Do-de-do, friends came back things calmed down, another party trashed by cops because there were people walking in stilts, playing drums and flutes in the streets in front of the house.. I retreated to my safe-haven of home home home.. Mind you, my room is covered in silver, I am covered in silver, mess mess mess… But SAFE, very very SAFE.

Very surreal nite. Gotta love halloween for a bit of adventure!

i am overly dependent. i have known this for years but still tend to avoid it, as though it does not really exist… but i can feel it within me, every time i am alone. i thrive on dependence, it makes me feel whole, and yet it also makes me feel terrible.

is dependences a bad thing? others always say it is but i am not quite sure. having a relationship with another person, especially a symbiotic relationship teaches you about yourself and another person, how to give up what isn’t important and hold on to the things that matter. i don’t like being a parasite (or a barnacle as my lover calls me). i prefer when the other person has a dependence on me as well.. i want that cooperation in a relationship. without it, i feel lonely.. i need to be needed and i need to need… is that abnormal?

movie nite part a million… this time, saw “fight club”. i walked out of the theatre feeling as though i was stoned, even though i was totally sober. it fucked with my head in the manner that twelve monkeys did… and i enjoyed it. that was the odd part.. i loved the feeling of being fucked with…

it made me rethink my life in so many ways as well.. for example, why do i put such importance onto things that don’t mean anything? how can i change this tendency? why don’t i just _live_ and experience life… instead, i am focused on bullshit and that kills me.

lately, though, i have been standing well on my own. i have written quite a few interesting emails that make me quite proud… i will share them:

to a company
to a women’s organization
i know it is difficult but i just want to figure out how to be most happy…. hard problem though isn’t it?