Comments on: friends with benefits

By: kei

kei — Sun, 25 Jul 2004 15:38:18 +0000

some may think it “pathetic” that rather than find a real relationship this is what i resort to that’s fine. any type of relationships has bumps one must grind through. if i am not romantically interested in neone and have not been for a couple years, but i still want sex. is that wrong? even if there are no emotional ties. people still want attention and loving. thsi is perhaps how it happens. cuz in the act there is someone holding u, pushing back ur hair, listening. not for everyone, and maybe i a little deluded. but it’s all good.

By: kei

kei — Sun, 25 Jul 2004 15:35:52 +0000

By: kei

kei — Sun, 25 Jul 2004 15:29:34 +0000

being an 18-year-old female. with no previous sexual experience, no boyfriends, no close ties. i suppose i am a “friend with benefits.” despite the lack of attention from the opposite sex, i am still very sexually driven. this may seem very odd. and i admit. i am an aloof person and i don’t often talk sex with close friends in real life, nor do they know the sexual side of me at all.

however a mostly online friend that i had met from college approached me with the idea of getting together through instant messenging. i am much more open and playful online and after much deliberation, nervousness, and worrying i agreed to it.

i was looking for more information online about what happens to friends with benefits. do people actually develop emotional attachments while the partner does not? undoubtedly. it is sex without love. but i wanted it. or something close to it. do i regret it? no. it felt good. and perhaps some might think this is a bad reason to engage in sexual activities.

the range of opinion on sex acts is enormous. there are some that believe sex is a sacred act, reserved for only after marriage, and then there are others that go around in life. just having sex because it feels good. each person is an individual. i was not pressured into sex, it was something i wanted. works for me. i think the way sexual favors should work is give and take, but often it doesn’t work this way. with the woman/girl doing most of the work. however. has it crossed people’s minds that the girls engaging in the act, may actually enjoy pleasuring a man? so perhaps it’s unequal and unfair. until the woman demands her part. mmm…

By: Tess

Tess — Sun, 11 Jul 2004 14:31:11 +0000

Well, I didn’t even read the article, but it sounds to me like everyone is focused on the intercourse part of the “friends with benefits.” Having had this myself, as a 16 year old girl, i had no emotional ties. We strictly made-out and it went no farther than that. It’s getting just a little sexual tension out and you don’t have a guy calling you every night. Committment can be a good thing to some people, but some don’t want it at certain points in their life. I think friends with benefits is just a great way to have some fun and have no afterthoughts and reprecussions.

By: Mike

Mike — Sat, 19 Jun 2004 10:16:48 +0000

Yeah, the NYT article just amazed me. It really didn’t seem as if young women were calling the shots- it seemed as if there is simply a shift in the dynamic of how exploitation occurs.

It is discussion like this that makes me think a bit more about some of the radical feminist’s (Mackinnon and others) arguments on the not truly consensual nature of “consensual” heterosexual sex.

By: Ryan Schultz

Ryan Schultz — Wed, 09 Jun 2004 19:42:22 +0000

What I see as interesting is the quote about gay teenagers wanting to date. In the case of queer youth, the pendulum has swung the other way from the sexual promiscuity and hook-ups of their elders. Fascinating article, thanks zephoria!

–Ryan.

By: Ryan

Ryan — Wed, 09 Jun 2004 12:31:07 +0000

Something to ponder along these lines:

http://www.philly.com/mld/philly/news/columnists/jane_eisner/8847615.htm?1c

By: neilfred

neilfred — Wed, 09 Jun 2004 11:34:16 +0000

I dunno, seems to me that even if these kids are deluding themselves in claiming that they have no attachment and it’s just hooking up and nothing more, I would say that that’s better than what I think has been historically more common among teenagers (and a large portion of adults, for that matter), namely to delude themselves in believing that they’ve found the love of their life and that they’re going to be together forever, blah blah blah.

The fact that they’re hurt when the hookup-relationship ends doesn’t necessarily mean it was wrong to have the hookup-relationship, any more than any adult relationship that ends painfully was necessarily wrong to enter into…

By: Tiffany

Tiffany — Wed, 09 Jun 2004 07:42:15 +0000

As Linda said: it’s a pseudo-relationship. There’s no change in the dynamic; that’s how the writer interpreted the situation.

In order to get a guy, they do things that would *in teenage girl theory* get a guy to like them. Guys, of course, thing “Whoa! I’m getting ‘free’ sex” (sex without strings).

When the girl realizes that the her efforts aren’t working (i.e.: he’s not going to be her boyfriend), her reaction is either:

1. Tears and anguish
2. False bravado about being able to have detached sex

Either way, her feelings are getting hurt.

On the other hand … as you point out: “Girls acquiring control over what they do does not mean that they’ve acquired comfort with their bodies.”

There is something personally empowering about realizing that your body — with its scars, pimples, stretch marks, cellulite, extra 10 lbs., etc. — can be a source of pleasure and desire for someone else. I’m not completely convinced that there is *no* benefit to the girls.

It’s clear, though, that these teens are still working in our current heterosexual paradigm and its over-emphasis on male pleasure.

By: DeCloah Blog

DeCloah Blog — Wed, 09 Jun 2004 07:34:06 +0000

Links That Make You Go “Hmmm”

Here are a few lil links that I felt were just too… interesting to pass up writing about. Yesterday Danah Boyd linked a New York Times article on the growing shift away from dating and the formation of relationships…