(It also could have been switched around genderwise, although given the overwhelming gender ratio in Orkut a straight woman or a gay man would have been unlikely to say something of the kind.)

Not trying to discount your feelings, just making a peripheral comment.

If I were said guy, I would’ve felt attacked by that. I probably would’ve gone on the defensive, and said “well, that wasn’t my intention; lighten up!” These sort of things easily escalate into a battle. I know you’ve experienced that sort of thing before.

IMHO, I think *just* expressing how you feel or reacted to something doesn’t leave much room for argument or defensiveness. It’s just a statement of your experience, which you can take full responsibility for, and nobody can argue with. If making you feel like shit is something the other person cares about, they’ll probably take it to heart. If it’s not, then there’s probably nothing you can say that would sink in with them.

(Note: I’m not saying analysis is bad. Just that sharing and analysis are two seperate things.)

My $0.02. YMMV.

I’ve witnessed others who have had danah’s reaction to being included as part of a joking comment. I’ve seen it online and offline where someone is surprised by the sudden attention of a group. It seems to heighten the sting and so, her hurt is genuine and deserves some acknowledgement. She’s not screamingly mad (but was observant) and the fellow who sent the message took a step back to see the situation from another point of view and learned from it.

I see the issue as less about sexism than I do the consequences (of which sexism is one) of social networking systems that focus more on power laws, nodes and pictures than on people. There are a hundred little ways most of these systems encourage us to simplay manipulate little pictures on the screen. A joke sent to friends pierced the veil of the avatar and revealed the presence of a person.

As a thought excercise, take that situation, and switch the genders of all participants.

Do you think that the situation would negative to a similar extent?

I’m not challenging the validity of your feelings, or accusing you of anything at all here, but I am curious as to your opinion.

A fascinating series of blog entries shows the promise and peril of social software and Blogs as a medium in a male-dominated technocracy…[pointers to two of Dana Boyd's blogs, and one to Christian Crumlish's blog, as well as some commentary.]

A fascinating series of blog entries shows the promise and peril of Blogs as a medium in a male-dominated technocracy…[pointers to two of Dana Boyd's blogs, and one to Christian Crumlish's blog, as well as some commentary.]

The immediate criticism you got for admitting your emotional response probably indicates why most of us spend so much of our times pretending that things don’t bother us when they do.