Going to the desert is always an extremely intense experience for me. There is nothing like spending a week in an extremely hostile environment to shake everything up. So, needless to say, the desert taught me a few lessons. I’m now back and processing.

To back up… Burning Man is an annual festival held in Black Rock City (Nevada). 30,000+ people trek to the desert to build a community, construct large art projects and party. By Saturday, hedonism is at an all time high, in preparation for burning the man, a large glowing structure at the center of the city. On Sunday, repentence is had as people burn away the year’s sorrows at the mausoleum (called the Temple of Honor this year).

I am in awe with the creation of the city and the community. In theory, there is a balance between construction and destruction, as everything created is burnt or torn down… leave no trace. Unfortunately, a rush of people come towards the end of the week to party and help destroy. It feels so odd since these people are not the same as those who help create. As a result, i always feel myself going from awe to irritation.

I remember standing at the Burn last year listening as folks on my left yelled slurs at the girls in their drunken frenzy while those on my right repeated their vows of love over and over again in their ecstasy-driven cuddle puddle.

This year, i went at the absolute beginning of the week, in part for personal reasons and in part to watch the community evolve from an anthropological perspective. I vowed to leave when i had enough, when i was losing track of the beauty of it all. And thus, i came home early, on the day of the Burn.

[more personal reflections inside]

Now that i’m home, i’m starting to process the personal lessons that i learned. It was an intense week, full of constant dust storms and i was camped at the heart of the dance camps with almost 70 other people in my camp. There were lots of people that i barely knew so i spent most of my energy getting to know those folks (or wandering around observing the chaos).

At the beginning and end of every summer, i love to travel or otherwise break up my pattern. This is particularly necessary at the end of the summer, as i feel that Labor Day signifies the beginning of a new year for me. School has always been my operational calendar and the New Year never felt like much of a transition for me, just a guaranteed day off. For many years, i’ve either attended Burning Man or driven across country during the last week of the summer, giving myself plenty of opportunity to contemplate what i want from the next year. This year was no different.

What was most shocking was how anxious and excited i was to return to school and get back to reality. For the last year, i’ve been wandering around, spastically attending to various ideas and whims. Although i’ve been utterly blissful being in San Francisco, i haven’t felt truly grounded or directed. Now, as i’m about to start my Ph.D. program, i’m completely ecstatic and ready to be back on target.

As i reflected on my post-college years, i noticed how explicitly my life has resembled koyaanisqatsi – life out of balance. I fling from one extreme to another, incapable of finding balance, afraid to settle down, utterly confused about my path and purpose. In the desert, this felt so transparent. I don’t like that aspect of me and i didn’t like how the desert exacerbated my insanity. Although i’ve been reveling in the extremes in recent years, i’m finally at a point where i just want to find balance and calm the fuck down. I want to remove myself from spaces of negativity and truly find center. It’s tricky of course, but i finally feel like it’s time to grow up.

The desert is about childlike play, creativity and extremes. It’s a blessing and a curse. For those who have gotten so stuck in the rigidity of daily life, it allows for a break and an opportunity to relax. For me, it’s always been a place of finding the strength in calmness, meditation and peaceful existence. One day i will return to the desert to find the child in me, but right now, i’m ready to find the adult.

As i watched the sun rise over the desert this morning, i was so overwhelmed that i started to cry. Not everything needs to be complex to be beautiful, as there is nothing more awe-inspiring as the sun rising over the raw and arid desert. I took the beauty in and i walked away. A new year has begun.