a friend today told me that i know myself pretty darn well and that has stuck in my head for quite some time. first, do i really know myself? to what degree can one know oneself? and why do i get this gutteral feeling that this is a curse of intelligence.. tonite, i went and saw american movie this evening – made me realize how lucky i am to have been born, raised, etc in an educated community. middle america genuinely scares me. but back to the question – do i know myself and if so in what ways?

i am most sure of myself as a sexual being. it is definitely the area that i am most confident but i cannot determine when that started. i mean, i have almost developed an ego re: my sexual capabilities. and i don’t know if i am actually proud of that. especially when i am uncertain on other fronts, that is a front that i feel safe. egads: who am i??

i know that i don’t deal well with loneliness. well, noone deals well with actual loneliness because the word implies that pit in your stomach where everything seems wrong.. but i also don’t deal well with actual social loneliness – not being around people. y’see.. being around people makes me forget any pain i might be encountering or any confusion that i have. thus, i thrive on it. scary, eh? if i don’t have people around, i get completely batty… hmm.. ok.. enough self-analysis.. i should work.

well, i am back at home after some fun and adventure in san francisco. i went there to be with my (now ex) partner and in many ways it was a good thing but in other ways, i could have done without the experience.

the thing is that i still adore my ex, at least in my head… there is just this tension between us and it doesn’t feel quite right. i have yet to figure out how to express the emotions that i am having with regard to this situation and it is kinda frustrating that way; i just want to understand what the fuck is going on and why i feel like i do. doesn’t make sense does it? sure as hell doesn’t for me…

but the actual trip was quite fun and silly.. i spent time shopping (always fun) and now have some mighty kickass sex toys! plus a few good clothes. i took a friend drag shopping and that was kickass. plus, i got my ex a suit at macy’s.. suit shopping is cool! i also spent a great deal of time with a friend of yore. we applied to graduate school together and i sure as hell hope that we manage to get in- it would just be too fucking cool…

i did come back home early though, mostly because of work but also because it was just strange to be there and a part of this life that was not mine. that is quite peculiar.. i don’t feel _comfortable_ with the situation. erg.

i did have an amazing interview with microsquish. who would have guessed?? it was the best interview i have ever had.. i got to design microsoft word for kids in the interview and it was fun!

erg.. mental confusion.

what a strange and funny nite… so i went out with some women-loving friends of my san francisco friends. i say women-loving because neither identifies completely as a lesbian and one is particularly waffling between straight and bisexual. still, quite fun.. went to an all women’s space where there were guys there but all the same, it was quite fun and humorous. some gorgeous women were there and i was definitely oogling one! plus, all different types of people which was super cool. has a grand time at the party, just watching and observing, remembering all that i had forgotten…

like lesbian drama – club-based, who is ex-girfriends of who and therefore cannot talk to new ex-girlfriend’s best friend of whoever.. egads!

like the fact that lesbians can take pride a bit too far.. so, you aren’t GAY???? then why the fuck are you here?

like the reality that not everywhere in the world is appreciative of the culture that i come from that i am.. i like education, i value it. i don’t ask someone if they are smart… some of it is just “normal” or doesn’t matter.. but i guess it does to some.. makes me realize another privilege.

like my observation that the bay area should be a sci-fi novel. anger management classes for those who are reckless drivers? photographing cars going through red-lights and then sending tickets in the bulk? a pacific bell stadium? $20 covers on a regular friday night? billboards with statements like “paper is passe; online flyers” (and no one blinks at that)??

that people put true importance in metaphysics symbols as determinents for dating and for friends?

that combinations of vitamins can cause great highs…

i idealize too much.. and i think that things that i recognize in other people are because i recognize them in myself.. and therefore i wonder what i don’t see in myself, what others can teach me and show me. there is so much out there that i don’t understand or don’t know about.. how can i get at it?

and why is every element of my body constantly rotating who is tingling and numb? that is disconcerting…

so it wasn’t the type of new year’s that i was hoping.. i mean, i was hoping/planning/wanting to be in baja or someplace warm and exciting and chill.. and instead ended up at a party.. so it became like any other nite at a san francisco party… i guess it was fun but it was a bit disappointing. i did get to cuddle with a girlie which was cool but i just wished that it was all huge and fun filled with stories to remember…

i remember as a little girl, planning weddings with my best friend. she wanted the total june white wedding.. i wanted to get married on new year’s of 2000… throw a huge party. well, i am glad that did not happen (hell, don’t even believe in marriage any more and don’t have him anymore either!)… but still, i wanted some fun…

it was nice.. on the actual day of new year’s i got to sit in hot tubs with friends.. i love hot tubs and chilling… reminds me of the conferences…

anyhow.. not a lot to tell about the new year’s experience…