boy do i feel like shit. and stupid at best. i am in california now, land of the overly rich and too-much-to-do crowd. i knew ahead of time that i could not economically keep up and i expected as much, planned accordingly. i didn’t want to come out for very long because i knew that i did not have enough time to work and make up for it. my ex had promised to pay for my expenditures out here because he wanted me out here. i didn’t feel comfortable with this idea and resolved in my head to pay for what i could but to try to keep things to a minimum. well, that hasn’t happened. i am already realizing how far into debt i am going and this morning mentionned this problem, needing to put a halt to the entire situation. i need to stop doing $20 dinners and i can’t afford to keep up on new year’s or other events. i am not making money but i am spending and that does not work well. and what did he say? he said that my asking for money made him resentful and not wanting to help. its funny because two weeks ago, he realized my predicament and now is completely forgetting.

so, this raises a question… next year? see, he suggested that i come out here and “relax” for a year before going back to grad school on the east coast. and i thought this sounded like an excellent plan. i really wanted to go to art school. when we were still together, i was going to live with him, go to art school and work part-time. i was going to get health insurance covered by him and borrow money when absolutely necessary (hopefully as little as possible). now i feel like i shouldn’t even come out here. i can’t afford to live here, i won’t have health insurance, car insurance. i don’t have money for my own rent and i can’t keep up with my friends life-style-wise. what is the point? i am not certain. i won’t be any more relaxed then when i came out here. because, either i need to work in industry and pay my own way to live out here or, if i go to art school, i will still need to work 3/4 time to pay for being out here. thus, no matter what i have to work, something i don’t want to do just yet.

AHHHHHHHHHH