October 1, 1999

i am feeling very strange, half depressed, half neurotic, one hundred percent sad... and it doesn't make sense. i mean, my life is relatively happy... things are going relatively well. i have friends, the most amazing lover, etc... and yet i am just not happy. it makes me really question myself and who i am and whatnot. what would make me actually happy and why do i go through these bouts of gut wretching depression? and who can help me? one of the things that kills me is that my lover is so far away.. and yet he isn't. in fact, right now he is on a plane to visit me.. and yet it doesn't feel right. part of me wonders if i would be more sane if i just dropped outta school right now and ran out to be with him... i am just so lonely right now.. internally lonely, painfully lonely.

right now a kitten is playing at my feet.. he is only 7 weeks old and i took him from his parents and brother and sisters two days ago so that my friend can have a kitty with her.. it will make her happy and that is a good thing... she will be content and happy.. and he is adorable.

tonite i went to see a socialist play... well, marx in soho, sponsored by the international socialist organization. something about it didn't sit well with me. i mean, i have always loved marx's ideals and thoughts but never believed they could ever work. unfortunately, i forgot how much i do _not_ like socialists. i find them to be highly hypocritical. i watched as the head of the socialist organization downed a coca-cola. it is one thing to believe in something, another to practice but it is atrocious to preach and not practice.. i don't handle that well. strange thing is that after the play, the guy who invited me asked if i liked it and i auto-responded with "yeah".. i feel shitty about not being able to say how i felt.. not like i really know how to express how i really feel.

losing my love of adventure
losing all respect for me and myself today
i wonder what happens
if i get to
the end of this tunnel
and there isnt a light

ive worn down the treads
on all of my tires
i've worn through the elbows
and the knees of my clothing
and i'm stumbling down the gravel
driveway of desire trying not to
wake up my sleepy self loathing

do you ever dream
when you open your mouth
and you try to scream
but you cant make a sound
thats everyday starting now
dont tell me its gonna be alright
you cant sell me on your optimism today

....

i dont think i am strong enough
to do this much longer
god i wish i was stronger
ok.. i need to leave this..

Category: prosperity

Posted by zephoria at October 1, 1999 11:43 PM | TrackBack