i have been so angry this week. i don’t quite know how to manage it. i didn’t want to write it up on my diary because i was afraid of thinking about what made me angry, letting the frustration flow onto paper, making it a document for my anger and frustration, a way of revealing to the world why i am so pissed. but, yet, i had to. i have tried other “positive outlets” this week but to no avail. i don’t know how to get advice on this and yet everyone tells me to go to a shrink, the last possible thing i would even consider doing. there is nothing i hate more than dealing with shrinks all the time. they drive me insane. literally.

so what is it? what is driving me nuts? it is quite simple – feeling powerless. i hate that feeling – knowing, truly, in my heart that something is inherently wrong and not being able to do anything to fix it. this drives me bezonkers. i cannot cope with this. i want to fix it, i want to fix the problem in our society, and yet i am powerless to do so.

sex is complicated. this was another lesson that everyone keeps trying to shove down my throat. frankly, i don’t think sex is that complicated but that society keeps telling us that it is so if we don’t make it complicated for ourselves, someone else will just to continue that attitude. what a pain in the ass.

well, as we know (thanks to foucault who i currently want to kill.. except that he is already dead)… anyhow, thanks to foucault, we know that power is a part of every relationship and every interaction, including mine. well, that is nice but what the fuck does it mean? does it mean that someone else can describe the power that they believe should exist in that relationship, regardless of the actual power relations that we have forged? does it mean that power relations can be stereotypes and labeled, just like that which they are describing? does it mean that a book can tell me how my relationships are managed because “that’s the way it always is”?

i know i know.. i am being damn ass vague (although i am certain that those who are reading this and actually know me understand every gripe that is not said but seethes from between the lines). unfortunately, i have this uncomforable feeling about talking about it.. talking about it seems like validifying it and i cannot. how can i put words to a situation where the words were created by the opressors? how can i define something in a way that is appropriate when what is appropriate can only be measured in emotions? why must these complications exist?

all i know is that i have once again been reminded of what true anger is.

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