November 18, 1997

sometimes i feel alone. i think i have superficial comfort in the fact that jon is around. although i have been trying REALLY hard to not depend on him, not be attached, i know that i am not succeeding. i am not doing well at eliminating that crutch that his presence creates. when he is gone from me, i sometimes feel this emptiness inside of me that i don't understand. i try to not have that feeling but it just happens. his presence creates a glow that i enjoy. i like complanionship. i am bedridden right now and i don't like being alone. i want my housmeates around, not even to talk to, just to be there. i wonder what my mother experiences at home; she is so mortally alone. sometimes i realize that i wait for jon to go home, so that i won't be alone. i like having three roommates. i am never alone that way. this is unhealthy and i know that. i just have to kill my loneliness. this is my life goal- kill the loneliness, kill the dependency that i have on being with people.

Category: meditations

Posted by zephoria at November 18, 1997 10:39 PM | TrackBack